When the affair is over, it does not mean that the fighting is over. The fighting after the affair have their own set of dangers. One of the dangers in those fights is name calling. You may be thinking “What is the big deal with name calling?”. Name calling often stirs up hurts and damages the spirit of the marriage. In the aftermath of the affair you need an attitude of ‘one-ness’ in overcoming what just happened. Name calling destroys that one-ness.
I am not one of those therapists who discourages name calling based on its association with bullying. When you are dealing with an affair you have bigger issues that you have to face than bullying. My concern is how the name calling often puts your spouse on the defensive and when they are in ‘defensive mode’, you are not cooperating and you are not communicating. Doing the name calling keeps the both of you in a ‘trench warfare’ mode of dealing with each other. Being in that mode or mindset does not bring the two of you closer together.
You may not have thought about it, but your name calling and accusations may be keeping the affair and desire for an affair alive rather than killing it. If you make living with you hell, the cheater may be looking for some relief. Resorting to the name calling is one of the ways you may be turning your home into a hell-hole. No one wants to come home to a hell-hole.
Instead of launching into an attack on the cheater, filled with all the names and demeaning labels, think about what you want to accomplish. Calling their lover a ‘whore’ or a ‘slut’ (even though it may be true) may not be accomplishing what you want it to. Using such names either for the lover or their equivalent for your spouse often puts them into a defensive mode where they defend themselves or their former lover. Such name calling only serves to inflame things. If you want to be heard, consider how you are packaging your message. Name calling does not add anything good to what you are trying to say. If you are wanting to communicate that you feel uncomfortable with the ex-lover driving around, do not say “I want you to tell your slut to quit stalking us!”. You may be feeling that way, but your message won’t get listened to. Consider something like “It scares me when your ex-girlfriend keeps driving around our home. I don’t feel safe when she does that. Can you do something to stop it?” It may take longer, but it gets your message across without reactions to your name calling.
I address this in more detail in my book on surviving your partners affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
