There are times when addressing affair-related topics challenges me. One place where those challenges occur is what to write on ‘special days’. This is due to special days being filled with emotions and expectations.
One day posing challenges is Valentine’s Day. It’s a day that should be happy, but for many it brings pain. Valentine’s Day brings with it a truckload of expectations and baggage.
Although each of you has expectations for good things, when there’s been an affair, Valentine’s Day is anything but pleasant. All the cupids, cards, and chocolate given to you only amplify your experience and remind you how alone and isolated you’ve become. It’s hard to feel loved and appreciated when the person you should be able to rely on for love has betrayed you.
I often get asked how to deal with this situation, as it can lead to a lot of confusion and hurt. I advise clients that one way to handle Valentine’s Day is to turn it into a day where both partners focus on healing rather than romance. Instead of trying to force happiness and pretending everything is okay, it’s important to acknowledge the pain and work towards rebuilding trust and connection. This can be done through open communication, therapy sessions, or even just spending quality time together.
Another approach is for both partners to understand that Valentine’s Day may not be the same as before the affair, but it doesn’t mean it has to be a negative experience. Instead, it can be an opportunity for both partners to recommit to each other and make a conscious effort to show love and affection. In this case, the love and affection need to be real rather than the romanticized hallmark version of love.
It’s also important for the partner who had the affair to acknowledge their wrongdoings and take steps towards making amends. This could mean planning a special day filled with meaningful gestures and acts of kindness. This is more important than making promises about faithfulness and love they will not keep. They may have good intentions, but their previous actions make their promises empty.
The day re-opens old wounds. It forces the two of you to face the discomfort of the distance that has developed between you. You may have even told your spouse in no uncertain terms about what they are not to do.
You made yourself clear, “Don’t buy me …….” This time, it’s not being coy, you meant what you said.
Gifts and flowers normally bring good feelings with them, unless there’s been an affair. After an affair, those same gifts have the opposite effect. Valentine’s Day and its associations are turned upside down.
Many cheating spouses don’t realize this. They are clueless about how what worked before no longer works. If you’re a cheater, you’ll need a different approach. The old flowers, card, and candy routine will have just the opposite effect from what you hoped for.
If you’re betrayed, all those associations of Valentine’s Day with being special and loved trigger both positive and negative experiences all at once. The positive brings back how things used to be. The negative reminds you of the pain and betrayal that has occurred. You may feel stuck between wanting to recapture those good times and feeling hurt by the current reality.
You’re not going crazy when all those reactions are going on. All those contradictory feelings are the result of a crazy situation and mixed messages. When your marriage is damaged, days like today remind you of how screwed up things are.
Take the time to figure out how you want to deal with days like Valentine’s Day. It may mean celebrating it differently, or not at all. Your goal should be to find a way for both of you to heal and move forward in your relationship.
It’s at times like these that the two of you need each other more than the chocolate and flowers. You need a connection with their heart rather than being bought off with gifts. Although you crave that connection, you may not know how to achieve it.
One answer is to download the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“. The presentation guides you in reconnecting with your spouse. The two of you have lost something. Rediscovering it requires the two of you to reconnect and work together.
Although you want re-connection, many of you don’t know where to start in making it happen. re-connection is possible when you know how.
This video gives you the tools you need for starting change in your relationship more than any chocolate and flowers could ever hope for.
Order your copy today and start changing your Valentine’s Day.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
