Control is a fascinating topic, especially when it comes to marriage relationships. I say fascinating in that so many people try substituting control for love then wonder why they have problems in their relationships.
Where I see this is when it comes time for solving tough problems together. Rather than motivating each other by means of love, the default mode for problem solving for many is resorting to control.
The assumption is that it’s easier to control than to trust. Trusting for them is a scary proposition. Trust involves vulnerability.
Control, on the other hand is a way of getting things done and keeping distance. Although it gets things done, control damages your marriage relationship. Control is also related to affairs and puts your marriage at risk.
I discuss ‘High Risk’ situations related to affair relapse in the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse”, there are a few other items that will help you improve your marriage. Besides high risk situations there are qualities that make a cheater more susceptible to affairs.
Some of these qualities are old habits, experiences or lifestyle related issues that make a cheater more susceptible to affairs. The quality that concerns me today is ‘control’.
Controllers whether successful or frustrated, are at risk for affairs. For them, the affair is something they have control over.
The desire for control makes them want to ‘take charge’ in relationships.
By assuming control, the affair becomes mechanical. It like other relationship in their life are tools meant for control or places where they practice control.
Even in dealing with the aftermath of the affair, they control what get talked about, when to have sex and even who you talk to. They not only controlled the affair, they seek control of recovery.
Since controllers come across as mechanical, you wonder if they have a heart or any emotions. Control is way they keep the world at a distance avoiding intimacy and vulnerability.
If you’ve lived with a controller, it’s difficult bringing up some topics, like the affair. The controller has taken charge of so much of your life, at times it feels like they control your mind as well.
You may even struggle with guilt when you dare discuss things they wouldn’t approve of. For you, suffering in quiet desperation has become a way of life.
Rather than continue suffering in quiet desperation, you can instead find help. Consider joining the support community at Restored Lifestyle as part of your affair recovery. There you’ll find others struggling with similar issues.
There, you’ll find others who wrestle with choices involving trust and control.
Just knowing you’re not alone with the challenges you face is empowering. That empowering is important when you have been so controlled that at times you’ve lost your voice.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
