Some cheaters put great thought into their infidelity. They not only select their lover before having the affair, they work at setting up the whole affair situation. They rehearse events in their mind.
Crafting the affair includes grooming the lover and grooming their spouse for the fallout. While getting the lover ready for the affair and exaggerating how happy the lover will make them, they often exaggerate your faults and their own unhappiness. The grooming includes the lover and yourself.
While they’re setting the stage for the affair to happen, you may feel that ‘things aren’t right’. Your gut is not lying to you, things aren’t right. The problem occurs when you assume that the source of the problem is ‘yourself’.
The cheater is creating a ‘self-serving crisis’. Some cheaters also include the extended family in their grooming, in terms of either developing support for themselves or convincing them that you are the problem and no one could live with you.
Such interventions often serve to alienate you from support. Once the crisis is full-blown, then they will escape via the affair and reduce the amount of guilt they experience.
The cheaters doing the ‘grooming’, know what they are planning is wrong. For that reason, they have to groom the whole situation in order to appease their own guilt. Their own guilt lessens a little more with each rehearsal.
They’ll often blame you for the problems and play up their unhappiness or how they do not want to be married anymore. They often intentionally make the marriage bad, so that their infidelity will be their salvation and escape.
In their mind having an affair to escape a stressful marriage situation is better than just going out and having an affair. If they just went out and ‘did it’, they would look and feel guilty.
By using the affair as a way of escaping the crisis, they add drama to the situation along with excitement and increased levels of emotion. It makes for a wonderful movie plot line, but this is not a movie. In real life, people get hurt by affairs. Not only are they hurt, the hurt lasts for years.
If you see your spouse either grooming the lover, or grooming your marriage for a crisis, you need to take action then rather than waiting for the trap to be sprung.
If you see grooming going on, you can obtain more specialized help with my ebook, “Why He Cheats“. It makes for a great starting point in exploring what’s going on in the cheater’s mind, the importance of fantasy and other matters of concern.
Best Regards,
Jeff
5 Responses
Very true.
Now we see….HE has FINALLY seen …that he was CONNED by a sociopathic women
She had many problems that manifested these qualities before he met her …and it has taken FIVE years and his having had contact with the children of that adultery for him to see this NOW .
She is manipulative and uses her ‘fears’ to get people to draw close and then she uses their having drawn close and their emotional investment to her advantage…
I have had already identified much of this behavior before by way of the Bible standards of what certain behaviors indicate…HE did not see it
Now he does and recent going on to study the diagnosis of Sociopathy has confirmed it on EVERY count.
It is difficult to diagnose for therapist ..especially in women because it takes SOME lengthy examination of their behavior over time in many cases. Their charming stealth and their ability to hide their intent enables them to deceive some of the brightest and the best in the field
It is also very difficult to make any kind of legal action “stick’
We are now in a situation where she is dangling the kids before him
All kinds of ‘crises’ are arising …as I warned him before …and he is so concerned about them he goes for it .
She leaves the youngest just turned 8 alone for hours at a time …he has epilepsy …she goes out and leaves both the 12 and 8 year old to go volunteer at a homeless shelter….or some other activity and has done so for several years now .
She has the daughter text that they have no food in the house…would my husband come and feed them
Once he bought groceries because they ;’had nothing to eat’ …and he was told NOT to buy groceries because they were of the ‘wrong kind’
She gets 3000.00 a month and for many years before d day would just call him up and ask for money …when I found out about the adultery at that point she had received over 800,000 dollars ..and that was over 7 year time..
He was shocked to learn this since he did not ask for her to account for any of what she was doing with it…mean time I had to economize …not realizing what was the REAL reason we needed to .
HE is worried about the children …and it is only right for him to want to care for them …we now must sell our home to keep up.
She continues to weasel even more money and does not work a real job…only a couple of hours a week a couple of days …Nothing like she is capable of getting ..she does not want to work …we are her bank.
He finally put his foot down and reduced the monthly amount from 6000.00 to the present 3000.00 It took three years to get him to do that ..since he did not want the kids to ‘suffer’ …so we supported her so they would not be without . She does not handle money well …has to have her various desires …therapist which is a waste of time seriously not working
She is simply a person who ‘works ‘ others to take care of her ‘ills’ and takes NO responsibility for her situation which SHE initiated AND promoted …he was in a weak state when he met her …and from then on she has been playing him for all he was worth …
He was simply blind to all of this ..they say sex with a sociopath is very exciting ..women have extra testosterone….it results is a LOT of sex and intense sex….HE always told her he would not leave his family and she never pushed for that ..I feel that was PERFECT for her plan
A man who had a sense of responsibility and was concerned about his public image and had built a stable and prestigious career …A LOT TO LOSE …she chose her target well
We are now trying to figure out how to protect him and us
I am concerned as I was all along since he told me about her …I had to pick most of this information out …but the MO fits….even the way she nagged him to ‘give her children ‘ ..using guilt [ YOU USED up all my years when I COULD have had a marriage! : THIS was NEVER her aim ..she did not bat an eyelash when he had the first dates and told her about us ….
This was a con a very LONG CON and it paid off big time
She observed our home and our homeschooling and then went on a ‘campaign ‘ to get children as an “insurance ‘ against having to work …
She would allow the first child to sit in the bath tub at the age of one or two ..while they went into have sex!~
She is an unfit mother and now has caught another man as another ‘insurance’ who is into martial arts
S
She has influenced her children who have told my husband that they HATE Christians….a very understandable outcome since she had come to my home and as I explained why we homeschooled I also testified …This only set her more against our family
Now I am concerned my husband may be being set up for false accusations of the kind I cannot even speak of …she is capable of ANYTHING
I petition the Lord for his protection and wisdom of what to DO . Faith is not passive …it requires a response and for us to DO what we are able
For the ungodly we do have the venue of man’s laws…the difficulty for us is that in starting any kind of action MAY get my husband fired …the morality issue is big ..and it SHOULD be in business…and that he was CONNED makes it very humiliating ..To commit adultery is not going to help …and to be conned in the duration of it ..it is just very seriously making his judgment look poor …WHICH IT WAS
NOW that he has been waking up and turning from it …as well as one can ‘disconnect ‘ from the adulteress…the children make the complete severing impossible for him as he is emotionally and feeling otherwise responsible for their welfare.
I could not love a man who could NOT care about them…that would make HIM sociopathic….but getting some kind of legal protection is going to be hard
ANd if this goes public our source of employment is in danger….he is very upright in all of his dealings and I believe now as I have learned more ..it was JUST this feeling of being responsible that SHE has used to trap him into this long term situation;
She used to use her ‘fears’ to cause him to feel protective of her. ..from the time she ‘feared ‘ her boss and my husband gave her a job ..a{ This was AFTER they had been having sex ] this was not an adultery begun in the work place…
She used ‘fears ‘ in every case once she learned he was soft hearted and wanting to help her …he “owed ‘ her so to speak once they were having sex…and he no doubt felt that he should “prove’ to her that he was not the kind of man that would just be using her for sex..so he was led along
I ask for prayer from those who are inclined to strengthen me in this journey ..I have been in some very dangerous situations myself because of ‘cluelessly ” trusting in the ‘goodness’ of mankind…and had learned long ago ..that I needed to be more wise…God lead me to learn more about this over the years, But I understand how people get deceived …maybe those who are upholding moral laws are not sexually drawn …but there are MANY roads to deception
Those who are hardened against godliness become FILLED with INIQUITY ..aka LAWLESSNESS
I pray for my enemies …as this woman but only GOD is going to break through to her…and SHE is SET against the word of GOD >>>This is what blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is I believe. ..one is UNABLE to be saved because it is through the RECEIVING of the WORD with MEEKNESS …an attitude that is set to obey it ..that the WORD which IS the HOLY SPIRIT is then working IN THEM
She has no inclination to submit to anyone or anything except what drives her..and that ‘influence’ is obviously NOT the LORD .
SO sad for all in this scenario …and WHAT and “Assignment ‘ for me in the LORD! WOW
Zaza,
I am glad to hear that he is finally waking up to what is going on. It is sad that it has taken so many years for him to finally see what is going on.
Thank you for your comments . He is seeing it but now feels really trapped by the woman’s use of the children to pull more money from him by emotional and physical neglect of the children which they report. to him …It is suspect and also very difficult to prove as she is very good at her sociopath methods.
I am not sure what we will be able to do about this
but it HAS sucked a lot of energy from the process of reconnecting and healing our marriage .
It is all he can do to try to recover our financial situation and to deal with his concern for those children he had with her.
I feel lately like a caretaker of him so he can get out there and take care of everything else. He has no energy or hope of being in a love relationship with me .
I look upon this ‘season’ as one as if I am caring for a victim of some kind of disaster.
I have the Lord and my daughters…and we all have to stand by him as he has so much that he feels is his responsibility that does include our financial needs but has little energy or interest in any kind of family or love activities.
In some ways I feel that the loving marriage I had invested and hoped to have ‘someday ‘ as I applied myself to love my husband and homeschool our children has been an empty hope in terms of his ‘someday’ having the time and interest in participating in our life as a couple .
I was deceived into thinking his absence and preoccupation was all because of his highly demanding work.
It was but his focus was not just there because of work …but to escape learning to love .
It is a very empty future in terms of this marriage . I am going to live through this ,but all of any effort he once made to express care for me has ceased ..and he admits he is not treating me well …not MIStreating but not making moves to love .
I once had an aunt and uncle who lived together for many many years in marriage into their late 90’s …but slept in separate bedrooms…all the years I knew them! from my toddler years. I often wondered about why they did that …I still wonder. It is not a marriage ..and it is very sad .
I can’t believe that I now am consigned to loving and caring for a man who has shown a GREAT deal of ability to love but now will not even do anything
He has been demoralized by his own choices …a 14 year adulterous arrangement resulting in two children while he would never sleep over ..but came home every night ..and covered his tracks so well …it is just too much for him now as he realizes what a terrible thing he has done ..and all with a woman who he now sees was a brilliant con artist….
That may be the most demoralizing thing for a man of all ..that a WOMAN conned him so well .
She never wanted marriage , only to ensnare him …it is Proverbs 7 in technicolor..
Adultery is shameful …but to have been conned as well is a TRUE blow to a proud man’s ego.
I feel like I have been stolen from all that was past that was special and now am having to forfeit the future because he had to connect with those children and he feels they have no one who will care properly but cannot get custody ….it is a mess.
I hope that over time I will somehow gain a true partner in my marriage but I don’t see that happening any time soon.
His sorrow and depth of shame is very deep and he has told me he is ‘dead’ and has no hope…
I am sorrowful that he has spent his whole career turning from the faith he once had …it is the seed that fell amid the thorns …sadly ..but I aim to ‘weed’ for my husband’s sake anyway.
Zaza,
I am glad that your husband is waking up to things. It has been a struggle. It sounds like the other woman is not only like those in Provers, but also like the one in Ecclesiastes 7, which are the type that ‘trap’ men.
Yes…as I read more on forums of the MANY people dealing with this ‘plague’ is would appear we are in the midst of an ‘overreaching scourge’ brought upon us by those who will not have the LORD as lord but have only their own flesh to direct them .
The various manifest characteristics seem to be of like attributes….the same ‘spirit’ of rebellion is working in and through such who are refusing the offering of a LORD who is LOVE and WISDOM to follow after their own ‘way ‘ which seemeth right’ which GOD has had recorded ENDS IN DEATH
Sad state but has been a long time growing in our culture which has detached itself more and more as the Word of GOD has been diminished and watered down …sadly
For anyone to CHANGE it needs to be from WITHIN….the heart / will ….and if being discovered does not effect a change of direction I don’t know what will …..further experiences with consequences …but even then some simply don’t and just find another way to medicate or someone to take care of them …and it continues on.
It is astonishing the many who are dealing with this but then if we look into historical steps away from the Lord and His word in truth …and also the increased ‘tolerance’ for immorality that was not only grown to be ‘normalized ‘ but deliberate efforts to legitimize immorality then we can understand the terms Jesus used with addressing those who thought they were working ‘in His name’ as “workers of …INIQUITY”
They did not just DO ‘lawlessness’ which is the definition of ‘iniquity ‘ but they WORKED it …they promoted rebellion against the laws of GOD and the moral law which is written in the heart of all .
This is a very distinct demonstration of what happens when people do this …and as a culture it has become a huge ‘tsunami ‘ of evil that now has flooded our world …
This is not ‘negative’ thinking ..this is what IS right in front of us daily in the news and now in our homes!
So sad !! but a ‘due recompense’ for spitting in the eye of GOD ….