Parent Alienation Syndrome: A product of Affairs?
One of the dangers of cheating is the risk of you loosing your marriage. Whether or not you were the one who cheated, your marriage is at risk.
Although you may not want a divorce, your spouse might. or they could be talked into it by so-called friends, lawyers or family members that have it in for you.
With the risk of loosing your marriage is the risk of child custody issues. You may find yourself in a battle you never wanted.
Your spouse may turn into an adversary you never imagined. When lawyers begin coaching your spouse, things change. They can be very persuasive and their primary loyalty is to their profession, rather than to your marriage.
Although the courts may dissolve the legal aspects of your marriage, your families is not easily separated. The bonds which have grown over the years are not easily separated.
The bonds making up your family are very powerful, Even if there were times that you did not get along, the bonds withing the family are powerful.
Disrupting those bonds releases powerful emotions. You may feel overwhelmed by the power. The power can also turn ugly on you.
If you’ve fought with your spouse, child custody becomes another battlefield where you’ll fight each other. With child custody, the fighting becomes more personal.
During such heated custody battles, you may have to deal with Parent Alienation Syndrome. The issue of “Parent Alienation Syndrome” (PAS) stirs up extremely strong feelings and reactions. It attracts negativity like a lightning rod attracts lightning. You need to know what it is and how to deal with it before you have it thrown against you.
What is this Parent Alienation Syndrome?
The term “Parent Alienation Syndrome” came into popular use based on the research and writings of Richard Gardner. Richard Gardner began using the term based on research he conducted in the 1980’s.
Gardner was a psychiatrist often brought in as an expert witness in contentious child custody battles. As a result of those experiences, he began seeing patterns.
Gardner observed there are times one parent actively ‘alienates’ the other parent from the children. He saw that this alienation is often intentional, and created distance in relationship where it didn’t exist before.
His writings challenged the pattern of American courts routinely placing the children in the mother’s custody or the custody of the parent not having an affair.
Besides addressing Parent Alienation Syndrome, he also addressed differentiation between true and false accounts of sex abuse.In his experiences, Gardner encountered parents that would fabricate allegations of sexual abuse in order to gain custody and alienate the children from the other parent.
What makes matters worse, allegations of child abuse have criminal and civil penalties associated with them. With criminal cases, the allegations have to be proved, while with the civil cases, the possibility of child abuse only has to be proven.
With the lower standard of ‘proving’ the alleged behavior, the allegations snare many parents who have not actually abused their child. With all the expenses of court cases, the accused is often financially drained by the time the case comes to trial, which weakens their ability to defend themselves.
The legal concept that a person can not be tried twice for the same offense is often cast aside in such cases, since child abuse is viewed as heinous enough to override ‘rights’ to not be tried twice for the same crime. Since one trial is criminal and the other civil, they skirt the Constitutional right to not be tried twice for the same offense.
Prior to Gardner’s research, courts often believed whatever children told them without scrutinizing whether the facts supported the allegations or not.
His research exposed how some parents coached and coerced their children into saying things which were not true. The research gave the courts and mental health professionals tools they could use to differentiate between coached statements of abuse and when actual abuse occurred.
Although you may think that your spouse would never lie, deceive or manipulate to blatantly alienate the children from you, this could be a shock. Although Parent Alienation seems far-fetched, those who deal with families in conflict know differently.
Gardner claimed that 90% of the children he evaluated in custody disputes showed some signs of alienation. He differentiates between brainwashing” (indoctrination) and alienation.
Brainwashing is when there is a conscious, systematized to denigrate the other parent. Alienation occurs at a subconscious and unconscious level.
Couples often resort to using unusual tactics when dealing with their children. You may find yourself fighting harder and trying new things, just because they are your children.
In desperation, you may consider extreme things, just because it may give you your children. The many forces that once held your family together splinter and the forces released are powerful.
When your children are involved, feelings are more powerful and the feelings are stronger. When in the midst of those strong reactions and feelings, you or your spouse may do things to alienate your children you.
Gardner categorizes the factors that contribute to Parent Alienation Syndrome as :
1. Brainwashing
2. Subconscious and Unconscious programming
3. The child’s contributions
4. Situational Factors
Alienation does not occur in every divorce and child custody situation. Gardner found some connection between alienation related and gender. In evaluating his work, it is important to keep in mind that he evaluated the children of the couples in the midst of intense custody battles.
Many couples settle things before it comes to that, so applying his findings to the population in general could be misleading. Some parents are able to come up with workable solutions to the dissolution of their marriage and family.
Although many couples settle things, there are some that will use any method they can dream up in order to gain custody and win’ by obtaining the children.
Unfortunately, there are people who cheat and are have not considered the possibility of Parent Alienation Syndrome. It is a shock when you are accused of it and and have to deal with it in the courtroom.
It is aggravating finding yourself defending your parenting in a courtroom with well-dressed lawyers accusing you of things that you’d never thought your spouse could make up. You may be shocked at the allegations made about you and find yourself at a loss when having to deal with Parent Alienation Syndrome.
States Recognizing Parent Alienation Syndrome
Parent Alienation Syndrome has been recognized in 22 States, 7 Canadian Provinces, and 6 Countries.
The States recognizing Parent Alienation Syndrome Include:
Alabama
Alaska
Arkansas
California
Connecticut
Colorado
Florida
Illinois
Indiana
Iowa
Louisiana
Michigan
Nevada
New Hampshire
New Jersey
New York
Ohio
Pennsylvania
Texas
Virginia
Washington
Wisconsin
Wyoming
Infidelity increases the likelihood of Parent Alienation Syndrome
Two researchers, Green and Schetky (1988) pointed out how false sex allegations by mothers may be an extension of accusations against the hated spouse for sexual misconduct with other family members and other women. Their research has ramifications for parents who were cheating.
This research shows that some wives have accused cheaters of Parent Alienation for the sole purpose of paybacks. The wives wanted a way to get back for the cheating
When cheating occurs, what your spouse may have suspected are blown up and distorted into full-blown delusions, especially in the court room. Accusations made by one spouse against a cheating spouse have been known to involve allegations of sexual abuse.
Allegations often intensify when a divorce proceeding in underway. Once the divorce starts, the lies and stories about you get bigger. Although no sexual abuse may have occurred, you are faced with the challenge in proving that what is claimed did not occur.
You have to PROVE your innocence, even though you may have done nothing wrong. If you look like a bad guy going into the courtroom, you are assumed to be guilty.
In courtrooms, you are often not dealing with facts, but rather appearances and what is ‘plausible’. Your spouse only has to persuade the judge or jury that it is ‘plausible’ that you abused the children in some manner.They do not have to prove that you did, only that it is possible you might have.
Lawyers don’t play fair, especially In the court room. When the divorce proceedings are underway and child custody is at stake, they’re out for blood. They are nice when pumping you for information, but attack you when you are on trial.
They manage to twist and distort who you are and what you are accused of. They turn cheating into something horridly ugly. What may have been poor judgment on your part is now turned into evidence that you are an unfit parent.
The younger the child, the greater the possibility that your spouse will be able to convince that child that the alleged behavior occurred. What your spouse believes is reinforced to that child.
The delusions are given facts and evidence that make them appear real. Since children want to believe their parents, they are susceptible to being manipulated. Although the courts may know that parents can and do at times lie, as do the lawyers, young children do not know that.
In cases of parent alienation, no sexual abuse occurred. The “allegations” of sexual abuse are used to alienate and distance one parent from the children.
All your spouse needs is a reason to keep the children from you. There are patterns associated with false allegations of child abuse. It often takes mental health professionals which are trained in ‘Parent Alienation Syndrome’ to sort out which are real and which are fabricated allegations.”
Best Regards,
Jeff
