You may have a lot to say to your spouse, yet if your spouse is not listening, your words are wasted. In some cases, your spouse could be tired or distracted, which are common excuses. It is often easier to cite those excuses than it is to honestly address what is at the root of the issue. What is often at the root is your attitude. If you are wanting to scold or preach at the cheater, they will tune you out. What you have to say may be right, correct, etc., but when your attitude is not a loving one, your message will not get through.
Besides attitude, the next roadblock is that you may not be getting their attention before delivering your message. If you do not have their attention, the message will not be delivered. Yes, it will reach their ears, but they are not tuned in. You need to get them tuned into you before delivering it. You need to get their heart. If you are speaking to their head, you will get a head response. If you want to reach their heart, you will need to speak from YOUR heart. If you are like many, there is often confusion between speaking your mind and speaking what is in your heart. There is a BIG difference, and mixing them up will lead to confusion and heartache.
The third biggie, is that of not overloading them. A person’s attention is limited to seven items. If you load your spouse down with more than that, I can guarantee that they will not listen or take it in. They may be ‘smiling and nodding’ but nothing is going to change. Given the limited functioning of our human memory system, it will work best if you only give them one or at best two items. You will also need to give them space and time to respond. Filling in the quiet space will only water down your message and increase the likelihood that they will ‘tune you out’. The more words you add, the less is going in. if you are doing all the talking, nothing is going in.
These guidelines will help you get through this situation.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
Very good advice. I am pretty sure that these days there is a tendency to break many if not all of these in our case.
Healing from infidelity is somehow just more difficult to do these.
In the past I tried to impliment all of these ..’tactics’ because I learned them and endeavored to apply them to our marriage .
In our case it did not result in any more impact upon my husband
His attitude was pretty much turned away from being faithful to me while thinking he was ‘faithful’ simply because he paid the bills and as far as the rest of his life …THAT was HIS business to carry out any way he could as long as he did not ‘mistreat’ me or neglect paying for our physical needs
Other than that sharing time, entertainments, social life and thoughts was just not something he was going to do not matter WHO ..including our children ..his desires impacted
His life was all about making sure OTHERS were taken care of .
As long as he APPEARED to be a good husband to the outside world he was fine with our not getting his first time and attention on his calendar
To his credit he did come to the rescue when there were emergencies , or some event that was assumed a parent would be there for ,…like special events at school …before we home schooled …or recitals…all of which he did for the children he had with the OW…
But as far as SHARING or INVOLVING or PARTICIPATING in life as a couple ..that was killed off soon after he entered the corporate world .
I was brought out of the ‘warehouse’ for events calling for me to be present …soon after arrival at events he departed from my side. I always thought this was evidence of how strong our relationship was that I trusted him and we could easily socialize this way …but our image as a couple was something that he found to be only useful on occasions calling for this sort of image.
Even on a trip to Hawaii he lined up a lot of activities for himself with other people rather than spend the time with me …it was not even HIS idea for the trip but it was a prize…so all of the other people he knew on the trip became my ‘baby sitter’ while he had made other plans to play golf …I was the third wheel …I wonder how those couples felt about that
My husband simply never cared to be identified as a married man . No amount of applying the advice you gave made any difference to him. It simply never penetrated his thinking that once married his wife too needed more than a roof , a bed , and three squares.
He has not been a planner for our lives but one who is more interested in the activity he is doing and not so concerned about WHO he does it with …so his ‘choice’ to have sex with the OW at first was all about sex….and even upon moving away he did not ask her to follow ..but did inform her that IF she wanted to she could …it was up to her.
He knows how to ‘demonstrate’ care …but is is superficial …something to gain others confidence that he can be trusted to care ….it is really difficult to tell anymore if he has really changed or if it is yet another con.