When you consider the cheater and their actions, do you consider them responsible? Do you hold them accountable for their choices? If you do, then you will need to quit blaming the lover, or the alcohol or the drugs. When you begin blaming the lover, alcohol or drugs, you provide the cheater a ‘loop hole’ or an out. When those issues are made the main focus, then the cheater can blame those items and avoid responsibility. For many cheaters, all they need is to avoid a little responsibility and they are happy. They may even blame you, claiming you didn’t do something or did too much of another thing. When cheaters are caught, they often throw blame around like a simian throwing their own monkey biscuits at anything and everything. They are looking for what sticks, likewise the cheater throws blame until they find a story that ‘sticks’ or is accepted as plausible. Once they find such a story, they often stick with it and milk it for all it is worth.
Before you rush out and blame the cheating on anything other than the cheater, think before you do. Your actions may be signaling to the cheater what the accepted story is and who they can throw their blame on, based on the directions you gave them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
7 Responses
Absolutely in our case…This was not a case of ignorance of the position we both agreed upon regarding adultery but it was a progressive and decisive turning down the slippery slope of choices based upon self centered and determined choice.
That slippery slope. Many couples often find that the ‘slippery slope’ contributed to their downfall as well. It starts with making soft, easy, self-centered choices. After a few choices, you find yourself progressing (or should I say slipping) further in the direction of perdition. Many of those falling down the slope did not have evil intentions. Instead they were often ignorant and naive. By the time they wake up, they are knee deep, if not deeper in a quagmire.
True enough in OUR case …it was WITH knowledge …simply CHOSE to go down the slope like a LUGE competitor…it feels like it …
Zaza,
I could not have said it better myself. The image of a luge is quite descriptive.
My husband has health issues and frequently those close to me want to attribute his online trolling and his overall nasty moods to his health but I remind them and myself that these actions were present long before his health issues. I’m learning and your articles are a big help.
Jane,
I am glad to hear that the articles are helping. The habits cheaters develop often aggravate health related issues. Online trolling may not have caused the health issues, but it may be contributing in a big way. Continuing the trolling is definitely not helping to improve his health.
Dear Jane
So sorry you are dealing with this kind of stress..
Whatever he is ‘trolling ‘ for …you did not mention ..but if it is PORN it is playing with FIRE….
It is really addictive and many can attest to what it does to a person’s mind…
One thing it works discontent with ones’ spouse…..and maybe one’s life
Illness may be tough to deal with ..it may cause confinement and boredom which increases ones feelings of isolation
If your husband can be ‘reached’ maybe you could talk over his anxiety which might be aggravated by his physical health
If you have someone close or if he is willing to talk this over with his physician if you can let him know it is concerning to you. …if not maybe you could consult someone.
It is hard enough to confront people when they are well and have fallen into some form of infidelity …but being ill does probably cause him to ‘rely’ upon the sympathy others are willing to offer..cutting him ‘slack’ but this cannot be the way he would want others to see him >Is IT?
I was reading a site on epilepsy and many of the parent find they still must find a way to train their children …and some meds cause them difficulty in this area…still they seek ways to deal with behaviors….
People are still going to recognize boundaries…along with your sympathy and care …he needs to hear you …and get some help for this condition attitude wise….
It may also help him in dealing with the frustrations that come with illness..especially when it is chronic.
May YOU find support from the Lord as you navigate this most difficult of circumstances.
For me despite any troubles that we often end up just having to live though [ notice I said ‘through’ not “IN”] my Lord has told me ‘ I have prepared you a table in the presence of your enemies”
SO I figure …dinner with my spouse is not such a bad deal…even at his worst! hahaha..
Not making light of your situation…but I have found that no matter how terrible things get …Jesus is STILL my Father in all things and YOU now how a father is when someone is hurting one of his kids…
AND how a father is when he loves one of his who is behaving badly and has to ‘step in’ with some reproof and correction
I am sure you will find some information here and perhaps other places too …the Word of GOD IS the will of GOD for me….and it is my ‘staff ‘ and my comfort’
Hugs