Although your spouse’s affair is a challenge, it is not THE problem. When you are ready to put on your big boy/big girl pants, you will be ready to look deeper. By looking deeper, you will consider what problem the affair attempted to resolve. When you can face that question, you can make serious headway toward understanding the cheater, their needs and your marriage relationship. Affairs are often the cheaters way of solving a problem. They are just choosing the wrong solution. The problem remains unresolved, and you also have the mess of the affair to deal with. When you start dealing with the root problem, there are often changes in the relationship. At the root are often issues of inadequacy, fears, shame, and other unpleasant but very real issues and pains. When you look at the problem behind the affair, you will need to approach it with an open mind. Yes, the cheater is an adult, yet the feelings are often raw and more child-like in their view of the world. You are there as their spouse, not as the judge, jury and executioner. When you and the cheater operate as a team in addressing that issues, you will likely be very surprised at what can be accomplished.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
I have to agree with you that most likely the affair isn’t the real problem.
It took us a long time to connect all the seemingly unrelated dots and discover the underlying problem after my H’s affair. We each had our own separate issues that needed to be faced and dealt with…though neither of us could have initially guessed this in the beginning!
It’s been quite a journey…not one I would have ever said I wanted to take, but one that perhaps I needed to take. I believe my husband would say the same. I feel blessed that I have had someone who chose to risk his own well-being to help me grow beyond my self-limitations – as I also did for him. Ultimately, albeit mostly unconsciously, we did this to help the other. This isn’t a perspective I would have thought was possible for quite a while after D-Day, but I have worked diligently to expand my perspective, and not become his judge, jury and executioner as you pointed out in the blog. Thinking we have all the answers is really just another form of continuing to lie to ourselves. Lying to ourselves perpetuates the suffering. I do not want to be the source of any more of my suffering.
blueskyabove,
I am glad that you shared your comment. Many, many times what you assume to be the problem really is not the problem. It takes serious soul searching work to find it. It is worth the effort. Your story is a reminder that the real needs are often not seen at first glance. Thank you again for contributing.
Yes there a mulitplicity of factors entering marriage …much of it is ignorance of what marriage actually is …then there is the lack of humility and willingness to find out what one needs to know …and ONE partner may be open to that process but failing to have premarital counselling there are a lot of ‘revelations’ after the wedding …and also after D DAY ….
Healing of the shock and heart break is not something we are prepared to know what it would be like….it is like not knowing how pregnancy will effect one …or even our own death ….things like this are singularly unique and personal .
There are apparently many aspects that we may share as those who have had the distinct experience of this DDAY ‘event. No timetable can be scheduled.
But willingness to ‘face reality’ is always advisable and then to seek how to proceed …that is sometimes a lengthy and difficult search….but I seem to be on it ….and there is one way to help at least for me and that is to learn and find out and perhaps share with anyone who may benefit from some of what I find useful …my children for one.
My husband is still pretty much closed to learning anything ….he is happy with working and with trying to provide some kind of relationship for the children of the OW ….he is simply ‘here’ when he is home …perhaps that will change someday …but it is slow going ..He has been turned away from being ‘engaged’ with me and our family when home for a very long time ..it is now a habit of mind ,body and emotion.
I am sad that I have found out that he has never really found me satisfactory for the more glamourous and exciting parts of his life ..his social life ….He has chosen to view me in a way that is substandard for his more important “needs”.
I have examined myself and been available for accountability among others and have found I am more than ‘suitable’ and more than ‘equal ‘ to his various tastes….In fact I have come to the point of view that I am not sure I should even be wanting such a person….His mulitple infidelities FOR HIS OWN desires …does not really “qualify ‘ him to be the kind of man I would want as husband.
He turned from the Lord and thus me to invest HIS life into the worldly things and people who only use one another…He used my life and our children’s lives …as the backdrop for his own escapades….He is ‘a womanizer’ which is very hard for me to have to realize.
I pray for him to develop more and more toward a change of not just activities but of MIND ….to develop a conscience which he ONCE had to some degree…..I think I must sustain hope and prayer for him as well as all of us …None are perfect but one should expect their spouse to keep their word….stay loyal ,…and if they sin to not just ‘admit’ what they have done but show some ongoing effort to learn what to do to build trust , to learn what is needed by those they have hurt to help them through the pain , to stop lying and stealing …
This was likened to a wrongly imprisoned individual ..as my husband stole years from all of us of the life we should have expects….we showed patience,…..continually making concessions for his ‘being busy ‘ because he worked ‘so hard’ and so we waited …I waited for the day when he would have time, MAKE time …
He has made his apologies….but he moved upstairs to sleep a year ago …is diligent about his job [very thankful for this] he keeps a regular ‘dates’ with the children of the Ow ….and “being here” is supposed to be what communicates care and love to us …
32 years of not being on his calendar for ANY ‘dates’ has wrought the distance that he craved from me and the real life ….he created his ‘life’ using many superficial friendships …but faithfully keeping them over years…..short and sexual ….’fun’ because fun was the true meaning of life for him.
It did not apparently matter what we might be missing …HE was informed …not too often to be what one might call ‘nagging ‘ but it was HIS doing ..so he could think we all had our ‘happy life but separate from his’ as if WE had anything to say about HIS schedule!
He continues to make his life with all kinds of scheduling that does not include us. On weekends he goes out works out and has breakfast in the AM …and whatever else…then afternoons consist usually of computer games and watching football and golf and baseball which seems to be endless.
He does ask if I have anything I want to do or want him to do around the house ..>I try to give him a break since he DOES work all week but our home does need some maintenance that either I did or had someone else do those things or they went undone….
It has been important to me that my husband got his rest and relaxation since he works so hard …I felt guilty for not working outside the home even though it is actually a very important role that GOD himself has directed us to take seriously and place priority upon
The culture has diminished this role of parenting and guiding our next generation ….it is part of the deception.
I am glad I did what I did to try to obey the Lord ..and I loved being a homeschool mom ..I loved being at home….I had a successful career before marriage …but I am so thankful to have been able to stay home to teach my children …I just wish my husband had valued the opportunity to love ONE woman and to involve himself with his family …and to have refrained from giving all of what he had vowed to so many other people who only were on the look out for what they could take.
This is a lengthy learning process….as bluesky has said….I am glad she has had some healing and a partner who has been willing to learn …and to make application of so much of what we need …not just for our own lives but for exampling to our children and others that marriage really IS of such a great value and important for our family and our greater culture which seems to feel marriage is no longer anything worth bothering with or working through..
So sad for this situation but hope to be part of the solution and illustration of the overcoming ways we can heal despite the wreckage infidelity causes….