When you take stands for your marriage or yourself against the affair, there will be reactions; many hurtful/hateful things will be said.
Dealing with Haters <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad you’re tuned in today and that you’re with me. Today we’re going to focus on the issue of dealing with haters.
Haters is a topic that you’re going to find yourself dealing with quite often when it comes to affairs. Part of the reason is that whenever you take a stand for your marriage or yourself, against the affair, there will be reactions.
Many times there will be angry reactions, hateful things said, hurtful things said. And I’m putting all these things together under that category of “haters” .
It’s almost like since you want to work things out in your marriage, there will be some people that will be working against you. And they will say things.
Many of these haters will think that they’re doing the right thing, or that what they’re doing is out of love. Granted they may be misguided, but you’re going to be dealing with them.
Sometimes they’re even people who you thought were friends, they may be family members. You may be shocked by who speaks out against you and what you’re doing.
When you take a stand for marriage there will be reactions, oftentimes strong reactions. You need to be ready for that and know how to deal with it. These people that are saying what they’re doing, they may even be thinking that they’re doing you a service in saying some of the mean things that they’re saying. You’re going to have to learn how to deal with that.
Oftentimes I’ve used the saying “Honesty without love is cruelty“, and many of these people will say that they are being honest with you. But their motives are not always pure. We’re going to be dealing with how do you deal with these haters.
In dealing with the haters there’s several things that you can do.
1. You’re going to have to give yourself permission to not react. Because when they say the things that they say, because they’re hurtful things, they’re hateful things, your first reaction is going to be to react.
And just because they say the things does not mean that they deserve a response. Because a lot of times we have that mindset, well they said this and that and I feel like I have to respond. No you don’t. You are going to have to give yourself permission not to respond.
That whole mindset that just because they say that you have to react, no. You’re going to have to get out of that. That’s oftentimes what they’re counting on.
It’s almost like they are trying to trigger reactions in you. Knowing that that’s how they operate, the way to get out of that situation is give yourself permission. You don’t have to react.
2. Fight fire with water rather than by more fire by reacting in like kind. I never understood fight fire with fire.
I know with serious firefighting techniques a lot of times they will burn a stretch of a forest to prevent the fire from getting out of control there. That’s one thing. But when it comes to human relationships, to use angry words to counter angry words, that doesn’t make sense.
In my mind it makes more sense to fight the fire with water than by reacting. They are counting on you being in this act-react mode.
Rather than feeding into their expectation you’re going to need to give them just the opposite. When they say something mean, respond in a polite, mannerly way. If you respond at all.
3. You’re going to find or build a support network with like-minded supporters. This is especially true if friends or family become part of this network of haters. You’re going to have to build yourself a support network of people that feel like you.
Taking a stand for your marriage, especially if you’re in a situation where the cheater’s family doesn’t like you, they want to get you out of the picture, they can suddenly turn on you. At that point you taking a stand to keep your marriage alive, when you’ve got so many people against you, it will feel like you’re standing up against a tidal wave.
In terms of dealing with that, you’re going to have to change your reactions. I’ve given you three ways to change your reactions. These are all aimed at short-circuiting that act-react model that they’re trying to get you to buy into.
The three things that you can do to change your reactions. One, give yourself permission to not react. And I know that’s somewhat counter-intuitive and it’s going to take some practice to get it down, but it is definitely important in terms of dealing with haters. Two, fight fire with water rather than by more fire. And number three, find a support network with like-minded people.
These are things that you can start even before the podcast is over. You can start putting things into place and start making changes. Because that’s what you’re going to need to do. Otherwise these haters are going to keep you all stirred up.
You’re going to find yourself emotionally agitated quite often, and you can’t change them. The only one that you can change is you and your reactions to them. That’s what I’m focusing on here.
I could give you skills on how to out-argue them and stuff like that. Many times they’re driven by emotions and by strong passions, and logic is going to be wasted on people like that.
These are some of the best ways that you can deal with haters, because haters by the very definition, they’re not being logical.
Some of the same tools I give you for improving communication in your marriage in the download “Affair Recovery Workshop” are useful in handling haters as well. The powerful tools are designed for opening up communication with your spouse.
Those same tools are also applicable to other people with communication problems. the haters are going to come, being prepared helps you in handling those tough situations.
Best Regards,
Jeff
