Someone asked the question “How do you deal with a wife whose addicted to swinging?” After reading the question, I stopped and seriously considered the situation.
When your spouse has any kind of addiction, it’s tough. When the addiction is of a sexual nature, the challenge is multiplied.
The addict looks ‘normal’ on the outside, which is deceptive. They look normal, and may even do ‘normal’ things, yet life is anything but normal.
First, with sexual addictions, I need to cover a few basics. The problem lies in the heart and mind of the addict.
As unglamourous as it sounds, the action is happening in their head, not their body. They seek out a chemical release that happens in their head. They use other people in making it happen.
Other people are tools. (I will deal with the heart portion of the problem in a later post). This is important to understand. Although your first tendency is to see the people as the problem, the real problem is happening ‘in their head’.
The addicted brain, including the sexually addicted brain functions differently than non-addicted brains. It wants to be ‘turned on’.
It wants to be stimulated. The addicted brain considers ‘normal’ functioning too slow.
Instead of living life in low gear, they want to live life in high gear. Part of getting their brain in high gear includes the fantasizing, the dressing up, and the dangerousness of the relationship.
Even before they’re physically doing anything, their brain is ‘buzzing’ on the behaviors leading up to an affair. They may even have some secondary stimulation with porno as well. (Remember that the number of women with porno addictions is increasing.)
Many addictions, including sex addictions turn into a composite of other addictions. It’s as if the primary addiction is supported by a series of secondary addictions.
Those secondary addictions have a way of keeping the primary one going in a mutually benefiting way. Keep in mind that many sex addicts get into swinging as a way of ‘hiding’ their addictive behaviors.
The addictions feed off of each other. This way, if you make progress in dealing with one, the other one has a way of sneaking in and setting up the whole spider web of a mess all over again.
This ‘addiction web’ is often what many spouses find frustrating.
There are many other aspects of addiction that would be helpful to understand. For the moment, these basics will give you a place to start.
In terms of dealing with the addiction, there are several things you can start doing.
1. Study your spouse’s behavior. Look for patterns. Since addictions follow patterns, knowing the patterns will give you a place to start.
Do they act out daily, weekly, monthly? What is their cycle of behavior? What similarities do they have in acting out? With many addictions, the acronym HALT is used in finding triggers. (Halt=hungry, angry, lonely or tired).
When the addict is experiencing any of these or some of them in combination, they are at risk for acting out.
2. Once you know the patterns of their addiction, you can take steps to interrupt it. Even small interruptions can force them to make changes.
3. Map out the ‘addiction web’. Knowing what little addictions they often indulge in before the big one can give you clues as to where to start making interventions. Even seemingly innocuous behaviors can start their brain craving stimulation.
4. It will also be important for you to be honest with yourself about what is going on. If your spouse is addicted to ‘swinging’ there are a couple of points. One is that swingers are supposed to obtain the permission from their spouse before swinging.
If it’s the swinging that’s a problem, then you just have to say ‘NO’. It may be that they are actually sex addicts hiding behind the swinging.
By calling it swinging, they are fooling themselves and trying to give their behavior some appearance of acceptability. The honesty has to start with you.
If you’re not honest with yourself, it’ll be unrealistic expecting your spouse to be honest with you or honest about their behavior. This honesty also includes talking about the brain aspect of their behavior.
It takes the sexual excitement factor out of describing things. Sure it makes things technical, but it also makes discussing the addictive process possible without them turning discussions into a fantasy sex episode.
There are many other factors behind sexual addictions. This is only an overview. Once you and your spouse begin discussing the addiction, understanding the patterns and taking steps to interrupt the cycles, then you can take steps to identify the origin of the addiction, and stymie the fantasies that feed the addiction. You need to contain the behavior, BEFORE getting to the source.
When you have been traumatized, there are reasons for you not being able to get over it’ and bounce back. Discover the tools, exercises and techniques you need in understanding and moving past what has happened to you.
If that’s your situation, get your copy of the video on “Overcoming Relationship Trauma for Swingers“. Inside, you’ll find tools helping you escape from the situation you are struggling with.
Best Regards,
Jeff
