What do you do ‘after the affair?’ Although it’s easy saying things like “we’ll build our marriage stronger”, or “we’ll forgive and forget” or “we’ll just move on” making those things happen is challenging.
The best starting point for your marriage is at the point where things went haywire. That’s often prior to the affair starting.
Even after the affair, the two of you will have the same problems, the same habits, the same biases you had prior to the affair. Running away or escaping via an affair didn’t work. This time, the two of you will have to face those problems, habits and biases.
The two of you have to honestly address what your idea of marriage is. You will have to decide what kind of marriage that you want.
You’ll have to examine the commitment that each of you have to your relationship. That means that you will have to learn what it means to ‘commit‘.
Did the two of you agree to stay together until things get tough?
Are you staying together until the kids grow up?
Are the two of you staying together for a lifetime commitment?
Besides examine what kind of marriage you want, the two of you will have to address the trust issue. Trust was fragmented, if not destroyed.
Now the two of you have to piece together some form of trust. This requires time, honesty and risk. Trust doesn’t just ‘happen’.
It requires taking risks and allowing others to take risks. When you allow them to take risks, you have to let go of control.
Since trust and control have a weird reciprocal relationship, the trust issues will bring up any control issues as well.
One area that couples often neglect is that of the memories. It takes time for memories to fade. It takes time for them to heal.
When there are triggers that bring up old memories, you have to allow each other time to heal. Both of you will have to let go of the fantasies regarding the affair. That includes the positive and the negative fantasies.
Fantasies and memories often get tangled up with each other. Making your way through that tangle is often more infuriating than untangling fishing string, Christmas lights or kite strings.
At least with the other tangles you can see the tangible progress. With these tangles, it is not so easy to see what you need to do.
These items will get you started. It is by no means a comprehensive list, just what you need to start. Each marriage is different and will require different elements in different measures.
The video “How Can I Trust You Again?” guides you through this challenge. You can know what needs to be done and the specific areas to start. Rather than trial and error methods of rebuilding, you can instead have a proven method.
Best Regards,
Jeff
