Breaking up with the lover often puts the cheater in a bind. There’s the twist of what’s right versus what’s right. Since the cheater has stepped outside of your marriage, they are operating by another set of values and ethics.
In the twisted world of affairs, “What’s right” becomes very confusing. Do they do what is emotionally right or what is morally right?
It’s at the time of the break-up that the cheater wants to treat people right and begin talking about being ‘fair‘. They confuse the value system they need to be operating under.
They feel the tug of emotions pulling them one way and the conviction of guilt pulling them another. They’ll talk about fair as a way of compromising between the extremes.
It’s not really a compromise, its a matter of them getting you to lower your standards. They tested the limits and want you to accommodate them.
How the break-up is handled tells you which value system predominates in their life. They’ll have to decide whether they are going to operate under the rules of the institution of marriage, the rules of law or the rules of the affair.
Although they don’t talk about it in these terms, the cheater makes a choice as to which system they are under. How they handle the break-up will be in accordance with the value system they choose.
Cheaters often beg and plead that they want to be back with you. Prior to breaking up with the lover, they’ll make a choice as to whether they will do right by you or by the lover. That choice will let you know where their values and heart actually lies.
If they insist on doing what is right by the lover, you’re already on the outs. They may be talking about being committed to you, but are operating according to the value system of the lover.
The value system they choose tells you which world they are choosing to live in. LOOK AT WHAT THEY DO, instead of what they tell you.
Your heart will hear what it wants to hear, which can deceive you. How they handle the break-up will show you where they are choosing to stand, whether by your side or merely posing themselves by you.
If they need additional help, the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery” will guide them. They can know what specific things need changing.
Best Regards,
Jeff
