There are times that you or your spouse may ask whether or not you will stay stuck in what I call ‘affair survival
mode’. The shock of discovering the affair is bad enough. That shock is often strong enough to push many of you into trauma survival mode.
If you have a history of traumas, the possibility of getting stuck in Affair Survival Mode increases. The ‘Affair Survival Mode’ often becomes a link in a chain of hurts that have happened in your life.
You may wonder, ‘What is affair survival mode?’
This is the name given to when the cycles of your nervous system, disrupted by the affair, get stuck. Although you normally go through cycles and crises, it is possible to get stuck in ‘affair survival mode’. It amounts to being stuck in a loop of painful reactions.
When you are here, there are times you wonder if the affair survival will ever end. Even though the affair may be over, you continue reliving it and re-experiencing the trauma again and again. You may even find your moods going from one extreme to the other.
The two extremes are just that…extreme. From being hyper aroused, where you are on guard, anxious, panicky, and flooded with emotions to the other. The other extreme is when you are down, having little to no energy, feeling hopeless, feeling powerless, with no joy to your life. When you are stuck, it is as if your emotions are controlling you rather than you controlling them.
Bouncing between those extremes can be hellacious. Each extreme is painful in different ways. When you are stuck in this place, it is a grueling misery. What makes it worse is that when you are stuck here, your mind has difficulty acknowledging that the affair is over. You mind may know things are over, yet your body continues feeling the pain of the affair going on.
Although when you first experienced going to the extremes, there was a trigger that set it off, now you no longer need a trigger. When you are stuck, you do not need a trigger to set off the emotions. It is as if there is an automatic pilot trigger that activates the misery anytime you start feeling better or having any hope.
If you are stuck in Affair Survival Mode, there is a way out. You can get back to ‘regular’ moods and emotions. Although when in ‘Affair Survival Mode’ it seems like it will last forever, it does not when treated instead of being ignored or put off.
Stay posted for more on the “Affair Survival Mode” and ways of dealing with it.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
