“You need to go home to your wife”

Tammy turned to Paul after their tryst and said “You need to go home to your wife now“. Like a teacher sending young students to their next class, she gestured to him that it was time for Paul to leave.

Paul was living a life with  a lover and a wife. Although he told the world that he was ‘master of his fate’ and there was ‘nothing wrong with his polyamory’, he knew that something was wrong with this picture.

Although Paul presented an image of being strong and virile to the world, he was still being ordered around by his wife and lover. He didn’t see the disconnect between a reality of being more of an animal performer that engages in sex on demand while telling himself that “there’s nothing wrong with me or my lifestyle“.

Despite telling the world that his polyamory is okay, he still needed people to approve his lifestyle and needed chemical enhancements such as his cherished viagra or cialis or other drugs to keep things going.

They made it possible to shut down the guilt which he considered ’emotional noise’. Besides shutting down the noise, they bypassed the natural checks and balances of his own body.

He never had to face that his body was telling him, ‘something’s wrong’ Instead he could medicate and gratify himself without guilt.

Whenever someone didn’t approve of what he was doing, Paul condemned them as being ‘judgemental’ and ‘unaccepting’ of his lifestyle. Those not approving of his affairs were just prudes.

He didn’t see that his own emotions and body were telling him that ‘this is not okay’. He even told his kids that sleeping around with other women was his ‘self-expression’ and ‘an acceptable lifestyle’.

They saw through his story and knew that he was disloyal to their mother, and to them. They squirmed whenever Paul brought his lover to public events. Although Paul told them everything was ‘okay’, deep down inside they were filled with shame and disgust at dad’s behavior.

Paul’s statement that his sleeping around was self-expression was a half-truth. It was definitely self-oriented. It was downright selfishness. By referring to his selfishness in modern terms, it made it sound more acceptable.

Terms like being ‘self-centered’ or narcissistic or pathologically selfish were too harsh. He considered those using such terms as being ‘judgemental’ or ‘unenlightened’.

It never occurred to Paul that Tammy was telling him what he really needed to do. “You need to go home to your wife” is the prescription for what he needed to do.

Paul needed to make home his priority. Paul needed to make his wife the only woman in his life. Paul needed to ‘go’ and leave the adultery lifestyle behind.

It remains to be seen if Paul took to heart what his lover, Tammy told him. If you are in a situation like Paul, you can turn things around. You can ‘go home to your wife’ and start turning things around.

If you need extra help or want assistance in knowing where to start, the Affair Recovery Workshop is available.

Best Regards,

Jeff