One of the incidents that really grinds on me is enduring a petulant child throwing a temper tantrum in public. Whether on airplanes or in grocery stores, they make everyone in the place uneasy.
I was reminded of this while recently on a cruise when the table next to us had several petulant children throwing tantrums in the Summer Palace dining room. The family was blatantly violating the dress code and shouldn’t have been in that setting.
Somehow in the name of ‘customer service’ all those around them in the dining room were forced to suffer from their tantrums. As a therapist, I cringed at the family dynamics I witnessed going on at that table.
What made this one bad is that one of the parents had the audacity to chew out the wait staff for bringing the matter to his attention.
Although they weren’t saying anything to the parents, they were talking among themselves about the unnerving situation in front of them. Their main question being asked was “Where are they from?” The staff was looking for answers or at least explanations for the spectacle in front of them.
When the parent coddles the child, the crowds often grit their teeth and whisper among themselves about how someone should “do something” about that brat. When children are out of control they holding everyone as emotional hostage.
Although temper tantrums should have stopped as children mature, in real life it doesn’t work that way. Some cheaters unleash their ‘inner child’ in such a way that you wonder if they ever grew up.
Once again, the child is out of control and holding your whole home hostage.
Even long after the affair is over, there are times when the cheater still blows up in tantrums. The blow up often includes accusations of you being controlling.
After accusing you of being controlling, there’s typically a demand followed by their reason for not being controlled.
Although the specifics vary, the patterns are common. At times the blow includes a statement about them being a grown man or woman. The pattern is that they act like a child while accusing you of being some version of the meanie parent.
It’s easier complaining about you being controlling than for them admitting that they can’t handle responsibility or have an adult level conversation with you.
They forget what happened the last time they ‘acted like an adult (in name only)’ and opened up the troubles that came with the affair. If you argue with them about what is or isn’t control, the tantrum escalates to a fight.
The real issue is that they are avoiding responsibility and don’t know adult ways of negotiating responsibility.
Being and acting as an adult level takes effort. Not everyone wants to set aside their selfish interests and listen to your needs and find ways of solving the problem of conflicting needs.
If you’d like to solve problems like this, you’ll benefit from my video “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” focused specifically on communication issues. It guides you through ways of establishing and handling adult to adult communication.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
