A recent question that came across the SurviveYourPartnersAffair blog caught my attention. The person was looking for answers on ‘surviving the first couple swap’. These reactions are quite common.
When you have to use the word ‘survive’ in association with swapping or swinging, it tells me that the swap didn’t improve their marriage. It tells me that the experience triggered some unanticipated reactions.
Let me address this concern a little deeper.
When as a couple, you cross that line into swinging, your marriage loses any ‘holy’ connotation associated with holy matrimony. Your relationship is no longer exclusive, it’s no longer special.
At that juncture, your marriage turns into something else. You may have bought into the idea that it will bring fun, excitement and passion. Your spouse may have even talked you into crossing that line or worse, ordered you to cross that line.
Many of the swinger sites provide guidance on talking your spouse into swinging, including dealing with their reactions.
You may have even told yourself that since you had your spouse’s permission, it makes it ‘acceptable’. When the human mind is bent on indulging itself, it excuses just about any behavior.
Even the way the Bible words prohibitions on adultery, the element of permission is never considered.Think about that for a moment. Some behaviors are wrong, even when you have permission or have been ordered to do them.
This means that some behaviors are unacceptable whether or not you have permission to indulge in them. You know it your gut that a line was crossed. You know it was an affair, you know that infidelity has occurred.
When I’ve read biographies about people who survived tyrannical regimes, those behind the tyranny always had ways of justifying what they did. They excused their wrongdoings behind ‘just following orders’ , ‘I had permission’ or some other lame excuse.
All that does is confuses your mind so that your conscience doesn’t prevent you from doing it.
Crossing that line also changes you and them. Who you thought they were and who you thought you were changes. You start seeing what you are capable of and what your spouse is capable of.
The good news is that you can stop things before they get worse. You can start doing some damage control and save what remains of your marriage and yourself.
In the video on “Overcoming Affair Trauma for Swingers“, I address the challenges that come with ‘surviving’ swaps and moving away from the lifestyle.
You don’t have to stay trapped in a way of living that has you feeling more and more isolated. You can change yourself and your marriage. The swinger lifestyle doesn’t have to become that secret that you continually hide from the kids and hope they never find out.
You can instead have a life where you don’t have to keep the secrets and hide what you do.
You can do more than survive. You can move beyond that and regain those lost parts of yourself. You can move past what has happened.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
