Although it is the 21st century the morals of some people are primitive. As strange as it sounds, there are some adults who still “don’t get it”. These are the ones who have a tribal/communal moral code. They see nothing wrong with flaunting their love in front of your children, they see nothing wrong with affairs, they see nothing wrong with serial relationships. They are not stupid, they are just primitive. Although we may ask “How can they think what they are doing is OK?”. There are some people who really do not see anything wrong with such actions. Trying to explain things to them or bring them to some moral awakening is futile.
Being married to someone with such primitive morals is challenging to say the least. Even when you take them to divorce court, it will not “turn on the light” so that they will see the “error of their ways”. They really don’t get it. Trying to wake them up or enlighten them is only going to frustrate you. Such people may have been fun to date, but that animalistic “let’s get it on” mentality does not provide a solid foundation for marriage and family. It also sets the stage for likely infidelities.
Recognize that not everyone has the same moral compass that you do. Not everyone views affairs as wrong. Recognizing this is the first step in dealing with such behavior.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, infidelity, some people dont get it primitive moral developement, Understanding Affairs
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Bringing Back the Lost Passion in Your Marriage
People who engage in an affair often do so out of a misplaced longing for passion. The problem is, they pursue it outside of their marriage. When they do, they hurt themselves and their spouses who love them deeply. What they do not realize is that passion brings pain.
When you are newly married and excited with your spouse, the passion is there. You can sense it and people also recognize it. Yet, as time goes by and children come into your lives, bills pile up and unresolved issues become bigger. The passion dissipates and both of you are wondering where your marriage has gone to.
And then your spouse finds passion elsewhere. The affair becomes full-blown and you discover it. The result of course, is devastation, betrayal and anger. Suddenly, all sorts of emotions rush to you. Jealousy, anger, rage and even love intertwine inside your heart.
It was misplaced passion that took your spouse away. Learning how to deal with passion can also help restore your marriage.
But it takes time and it takes work. Hard work. Restoring passion to your marriage is not a one-person affair. You will need to work with your spouse. You need to communicate more often, talk about your plans, your goals and even your deepest fears. Such small talks can help you stoke the fires of your love and your passion.
As you go through this, the small things that you do will add up until your realize that your passion for each other is building up again. Just be patient. Love might not be enough but at least you are working for your marriage and that will help bring back the passion into your marriage.
affairs, infidelity, passion, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, recovery from infidelity
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Turning Your Rage and Anger into Passion for Your Marriage
You’re angry. Bitter. Outraged!
And that is but normal for a person who has gone through the horrors of an affair. You feel the betrayal of your spouse and the way that your marriage vows were disregarded. But once the affair is over and you decide to stay together, you need to resolve your anger and turn your rage into passion for your marriage.
It is more easily said than done.
You should first recognize the symptoms of anger and rage before you allow them to control you. For one, you still react with utmost emotional passion whenever there is any reference to the affair. You ask your spouse about more details and you are not satisfied with the answers no matter what he tells you. You then feel a gnawing bitterness, which leads to depression. Then it turns to rage and anger.
When you realize that you are already falling into this anger cycle. Stop and listen. Don’t butt in when your spouse is speaking. Just listen. Allow your mind and your emotions to take control of your anger. This way, you are showing restraint and control against the rage and anger that could plunge your marriage into deeper trouble.
Don’t blame yourself, too, if you feel angry. It is a natural response. What you do with such anger is what matters. Why don’t you turn it into passion for your marriage instead? Replace your negative thoughts with positive ones that affirm your marriage. Showing sweetness to your spouse will also help your marriage recover.
If you are passionate about your marriage, your spouse will soon notice and will even reciprocate such passion. Show it through the little things. Cook for your spouse. Do the things you know will bring back the fire of love and of your marriage.
In due time, you will be able to recover from the affair and be more passionate with your marriage than ever before.
adultery and anger, affairs and anger, controlling the passion of rage, rage and infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship
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Bring Back the Passion to Your Marriage after an Affair
One thing that would suffer during an affair is the passion in marriage. Slowly, the passion evaporates. You and your spouse just take each other for granted. Life goes on and then poof!
An affair happens, leaving you both in shock and your marriage in shambles.
Yet, your marriage is not too hopeless for saving. But both of you will need to work it out. You might see divorce as the only logical option but it is not. What you need to do is to recover your composure. Make sure that the affair is really over and you can start to bring back the passion in your marriage.
People fall in love for all sorts of reasons. What they don’t realize is that sometimes, love really isn’t always enough. There are bills to pay, there are negative character traits of your spouse that you have to live with and there are instances that you will have to elevate the quality of your love.
An affair can rock the very foundations of your marriage. If both of you decides to stick it out and affirm your love, you need to do more than just staying together. You need to bring back the passion in your marriage.
You should grow together, do things together and really live together. Sometimes, it’s not the big things that strengthen your relationship. Rather, it is the small things. Going out on bicycles on a Sunday afternoon, fishing with your spouse, or just sipping coffee on the porch on a nice evening. This way, you can communicate better and you slowly bring back the passion in your marriage.
If you successfully do this, marriage will no longer be routine and predictable, you live with awe and wonder everyday of your life.
affairs, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair
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Cell phones have become the number one way of catching infidelity in Britain. I suspect that is the case in the United States as well, although I have not seen the latest numbers on that issue. I was reminded of this when I received an inquiry call from a man who had concerns about his wife’s text messaging with another man. Sending messages to a person of the opposite sex is not a bad thing. It is a part of business. When there is secrecy, defensiveness, texting at odd hours or sending of pornographic/suggestive material , something is up. When boundaries are blurred in these areas, the texting is no longer innocent. These tell tale signs indicate that it is not a “friendship” or “business association”. Some of the tell tale signs include:
1. Texting at odd hours (late at night or early morning)
2. Secrecy regarding who sends the text and what it says
3. When your spouse keeps their phone password protected
4. When your spouse is secretive regarding the phone bill and how many text messages were sent. They may also be secretive about who the text messages were from.
5. When the texting goes on for an extended period of time.
6. Texting in a strange or coded manner.
7. When pornographic or suggestive material is sent or received.
8. When the caller/texter refuses to tell you who they are.
Be on the lookout for these or other tell tale signs indicating that something is not right. Early intervention can mean that you keep your marriage intact.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cell phones and affairs, cheating, infidelity, looking for signs of unfaithfulness, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what to look for on cell phones
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The hurt associated with affairs lasts a long time. Although you and your spouse may think that the hurt is over when all is finally forgiven or a commitment is made. Although such actions may end part of the hurt, affairs have a way of reaching across the generations. The reach of affairs goes both backwards and forwards. The scars and shame associated with affairs is often carried by the children and grand-children. These generations wanted forebearers they could count on, they could believe in and instead they are given someone who disappoints them.
I have also tried to put into words the pains that people experience. This hurt that goes across the generations is a dark, empty hollow experience. This is in contrast to the adulterer who may have described their life as one filled with experiences, some good, some bad. No matter how they sugar coat the episodes of their lives, the children and grand children continue carrying the shame.
Although each person may have some personal variations of their experience there are some common themes that come back to the dark empty pain.
This is also part of what needs to be addressed in overcoming affairs, but is often ignored.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs and Children, cheating, dealing with the shame of an affair, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, the effects of affairs on children and grand children, the effects of affairs on the parents
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Affairs often involve a lack of self control. People give into urges or fantasies that they have been keeping active in their minds. The whole affair situation worsens when a spouse attempts diminishing what happened with the excuse that they were drunk (or stoned). Such an admission suggests that there are substance abuse problems in addition to the poor self control related to the affair. Disorders of self control often happen in combination like that. One self control problem has a way of spilling over into another area of their lives. If you or your spouse has such multiple self-control problems, (over eating, purging, gambling addictions, drug addictions, drinking problems, spending addictions, etc.) you need professional help. Many people make the mistake of saying they are getting better when all they are doing is switching the self-control problem from one area of their lives to another.
The only exception I have seen regarding the self-control issue (where the person acts out their fantasy or urge) is related to affairs involving sexual addicitions, although that in itself is a self-control disorder as well. Some sexual addicts have affairs due to being driven to do so. It is almost as if their brain goes on automatic pilot and they are then driven to act out.
addictive behavior and affairs, addictive behaviors and affairs, drinking and affairs, eating addictions, infidelity, problems of self control, Sexual addiction, sexual addictions, shopping addictions, Understanding Affairs
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