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Although I have not seen any specific studies published, I have noticed that there are some professions that are more prone to affairs than other professions. When working with clients, these are the professions that send up red flags inside me as I assess the situation.

1. The helping professions. Many times those in helping professions (teachers, ministers, counselors, healthcare workers) struggle with infidelity. In these professions, the public often looks up to and admires the profession. Since this admiration often comes with the profession, adulterers and lovers often confuse this admiration with infatuation. The mixing of the feelings often lends itself to affairs developing quickly.

2. Fast cash professions. This group includes car salesmen and those who handle large amounts of cash on a daily basis. The danger increases when they have to spend large amounts of time drinnking with their clients after hours. The time spent drinking combined with large amounts of fast cashe present temptations that many have a difficult time dealign with.

3. On the road and traveling Salesmen. Although there are many jokes about this profession, when a person is often on the road, going from city to city, there are some innate dangers in that lifestyle. This would include pilots, traveling salesmen, company representatives,traveling purchasers, etc. When adulterers are in new cities, they often operate under the assumption that no one will be able to see what they are up to. It is when they fall for this assumption, that poor decisions are often made.

4. High power positions. This group includes businessmen and politicians. Having access to power, be it financial or political is always a potential danger. Power is stimulating. When the stimulation of power is entangled with the stimulation of infidelity, it is a dangerous combination. The high power positions become even more dangerous when there are many late night hours that a person is required to work.

These are a few of the higher risk professions. Each of these groups has its own inherent dangers. If your spouse is in one of these groups and involved in an affair, these are issues that you will want to address with a professional counselor.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Those who are familiar with AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) are familiar with “Poor me, Poor Me, Pour me another drink”.  This same ‘poor me’ attitude is commonly heard in many relationships where couples are faced with affairs. The adulterer often plays the ‘poor me’ role. They often emphasize how mistreated or misunderstood they are. This struggle or ‘emotional wounding’ is then used to justify having an affair. They rationalize their actions based on the ‘poor me’ thinking. Much like some people in the singles or bar scene know how powerful playing the ‘helpless’ role can be in eliciting sympathy from others, the same game goes on with affairs. By the adulterer playing the martyr role, they elicit relationships based on sympathy. The lover joins with them in ‘understanding’ how much pressure they are under, how terrible their spouse is, how misunderstood they are, etc…The same line allows them to get into the lover’s pants and gives them mental rationalization for the affair.

Sometimes lovers are hooked into situations unawares. They actually think that they are helping out the adulterer, who only let the lover know select areas of their past. The lover falls for the lines and supports the adulterer in their actions.

It is an unhealthy game, that still works. By playing the victim/marytr, the adulterer excuses their behavior, gets support for their position and gets into someone’s pants all at the same time.

This kind of game playing will need to be confronted and stopped in order for a marriage to be healed. This is one of the reasons that honesty is so important. In affair situations, there are many people with hurts and they are all looking for ways of comforting themselves and avoiding pain. Working through the affair will require an honest discussion of these needs, both of the resolute spouse, the adulterer and how the lover was deceived.

Healing only comes in the aftermath of honesty. The honesty will need to be tempered with love. When the honesty is not tempered with love, the situations that triggered the affair can worsen.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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One of the dangers of using general statistics is that you assume a “one size fits all” mindset. When it comes to divorce numbers, the reality does not fit with popular myth. Although many people tout the 50% divorce rate as an accepted reality, researcher Betsey Stevenson looked into the matter and made some surprising discoveries. She found that for couples married in recent decades, the 50% number does not apply. The actual numbers of divorces are decreasing. She used US Census information to look at divorce rates. She found that for a valid comparison, one needed to consider not only when they were married, but also the age at which they married and the education level.  She has even developed a “Marriage Calculator” to provide more accurate numbers for couples to gain accurate comparisons. Some groups are above the 50% level, whereas others are below that level. Her findings suggest that many times we accept statistics as facts, when the reality may be far different.

Likewise, with affairs, couples need to base their decisions on facts rather than skewed statistics that mislead people in their decisions.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In the small city of La Florida, which is a suburb of Santiago, infidelity made it a tragic ending for 2008. In that community, Nelson Hector Medina Contardo came home to find his 33-year old wife in the midst of infidelity. In the heat of the moment, Nelson killed her with a knife. In the midst of his rage, he stabbed her 33 times. When police arrived, he was still holding the knife over her body.

The feelings aroused by affairs can be dangerous. I often tell clients that affairs are a life and death matter. Although the statement may seem dramatic, the reality is …they are a life and death matter. This recent incident from Chile is a grim reminder of how serious affairs and the reactions of spouses to them can be and the intensity of the rage they can arrouse in people. Although many may try to excuse affairs and advocate for free sex, human nature does not tolerate or allow for such liberties.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In addressing the question of “What causes unfaithfulness?”, the leaders in Uganda have a radically different perspective than Western nations. In Uganda, the cause of unfaithfulness in women is their lack of circumcision. It is a common belief that women who have not had their genitals mutilated are more likely to be unfaithful.

Although I find the practice repulsive, it is encourging that people all over the world are asking questions about infidelity and affairs. Marital fidelity is valued around the world. The solutions to marital infidelity range from tribal genital mutilation such as seen in Uganda to places like Japan where it is seen as an exciting secret. The attitude in Japan is that it is the men who are unfaithful and are expected to be. This is very different from the mindset of Uganda. An exceptionally different take is one being proposed in England where a writer (Pat Sikes) is encouraging people to rethink the student-teacher infidelity issue. She sees such relationships as the natural outcome of being exposed to the highly sexual environment that exists in the schools. So in her case, it is the environment that leads to affairs. So we have the lack of circumcision, human nature and sexual environments each proposed as the reason for unfaithfulness. Which of these is the answer to the practice of infidelity remains to be seen.

The solutions of each of these nations is vastly different. What they do agree on is that cheating, infidelity or adultery is a problem.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The star of Desperate Housewives, Eva Longoria lives a different life than the one conveyed by her show. In real life, she speaks out against infidelity. In an upcoming interview with Glamour magazine, she openly addresses her effort to stop cheating husbands. She herself has been the victim of spouses cheating on her and she is now speaking out on the topic and ways of dealing with it. In the case of Eva Longoria, the appearances are deceiving. The traits of her Desperate Housewife role are very different from the way she actually lives her life.

Those who think that the marriages and relationships portrayed in the movies and television are a reflection of reality are sadly mistaken.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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The first business day after the New Year is often regarded as “Divorce Day” in Great Britain.  The reason for this distinction is the large number of requests for divorce that are filed on that first business day in the wake of office party infidelities, financial pressures or other triggers. It seems that the office party shenanigans portrays in the movie “Love Actually” has some basis, at least concerning the office parties. This year the lawyers or solicitors are expecting lower numbers.  The reason for the lower numbers are the financial hard times that many are experiencing.

Such news indicates that during hard financial times, people look at their relationships differently. They suspect that couples are being more serious about their wedding vows concerning ’till death do us part’.

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The year 2008 was filled with infidelity stories. Some of the celebrities who were in the news regarding their indiscretions included Elliot Spitzer, Johnathan Edwards, Representative Tim Mahoney and Barbara Walters. For the politicians Spitzer, Mahoney and Edwards, the affairs were disastrous. For Barbara Walters, it helped her sell her autobiography. From reading through the stories, these are my pick for the top 10 of the 2008. There were many accounts of affairs in the military, which caused some problems. One led to international problems between the US and Romania. There were also several stories involving the use of telephone technology and affairs. From the many slimy stories, these are my top 10.

10. It is acceptable to lie to the police about affairs in Italy (3/8/2008)

9. It was a shock for one man to visit the local brothel and see his wife employed there.

8. Forbes did a story on the best cities for couples. Among the items looked at were divorce rate, frequency of infidelity and counseling resources available. (2/5/2008)

7. Polygamy is on the rise. (3/3/2008)

6. Uganda is removing all religious teaching from their public schools including prohibitions against adultery.

5. It was discovered that the new #1 sign of an affair is excessive texting

4. A survey found that the public believes most Congressional Representatives have had an affair.

3. The show Swingtown came and went

2. A spurned wife seeking revenge set feces covered in newspaper on fire on her spouses front porch, only to find that the house caught on fire.

1. An Australian woman came up with the creative solution to her husband’s affair. She auctioned off the evidence she found of the affair on eBay.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Years ago, I came across the saying “Adultery happens in the head before it happens in the bed”. Over the years of working with couples, I have seen the validity of that statement. In the cases I have worked with, the decision is made to have an affair before it happens physically. The decision to have an affair can be either a conscious choice to do so, or a rejection of one’s partner (e.g. “I’m leaving them”), which often sets the stage for an affair.

There will be signals and signs before an affair occurs. If the person seeking an affair does not actively seek it out, they at least make it easy to happen and often put themselves in potentially compromising situations. Once in the compromising situation, the excuse, “it just happened” is often invoked.

Rather than choose to make yourself vulnerable to an affair, choose instead to love your spouse and remain committed to them.  If you are the resolute spouse, changes in attitude often precede changes in behavior. Once the bahaviors start, they have made a choice to do so. When you see a change in attitude, it is time to act, while they are still deliberating. It is more difficult to change things once the decision to have an affair (or leave the spouse) is decided upon.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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When a cheater/adulterer/infidel are doing their thing, there are often many signs and indications of an affair. Many of these signs are disregarded or ignored by their spouse. The truth is out there, for those who are willing to look for it. One place that there are often signs and indications is the automobile. Below is a list of signs to look for.

1. The car smells different.

2. Your spouse is locking the car more often.

3. Your spouse leaves their phone or blackberry in the car at night.

4. You often have to re-adjust the seats on entering the passenger seat.

5.  There are hairs on the seat that are not yours.

6. Is your spouse washing the car more often?

7. Is your spouse cleaning and detailing the car more than they used to?

8. Are there increased gas or toll receipts?

9.  Strange or unexplained stains in the car?

10. Is your spouse hiding things in the trunk or glovebox? Do they become defensive when you look in those places?

These are some of the signs to look for in the car that are associated with affairs.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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