In some recent exchanges with an AP (Affair Partner-a.k.a. the Lover), she raised some items needing attention. Although you may not want to even consider the AP’s opinion, thoughts or concerns, ignoring them is at your own peril.
Her emails referred to themes like ‘true love’ and the romantic notion of ‘fighting for love‘. These are powerful motives for anyone. Romantic notions like these give people inspiration and hope.
These motives are even more powerful if the AP is a ‘love addict’ with their eyes set on your spouse. She’s determined to keep the affair alive any way she can.
She’s not going to stop with being unfriended, her calls not answered and texts being ignored.
It also tells me that you’re not the only one ‘fighting for love’. The AP has some similar drives. In the past I’ve used the comment that ‘all’s fair in love and war.’
When someone is fighting for ‘true love’ they follow their own rule book. That means that the struggle for the attention and affection of the cheater won’t be respectable or decent.
This means boundaries won’t be respected, and nothing is ‘off limits’ in their efforts at getting what they’re after.
When you’re driven by ‘true love’ and fighting for it, the notion empowers you, even when you’re feeling desperate. When you feel hopeless, recalling what you’re fighting for has a way of energizing you. This is why soldiers are reminded of what they’re fighting for.
It also energizes the lover. This means it’s essential that the affair relationship is totally ended in order to extinguish it. If you allow time for good-bye’s or winding down, you risk breathing new life into the affair.
Although it sounds ruthless that you need to cut off all contact, it’s essential. Ending the affair requires not giving ground to your competition mentally, relationally or emotionally.
Negotiating a cease-fire for the affair means that the affair isn’t over. Begging the lover to leave is a desperate move that seldom accomplishes what you hoped.
If you don’t know how to handle the ending of the affair, download the video “Overcoming Affair Relapse.” Knowing about triggers and high risk situations along with ways of handling them are the kinds of tools you need is ending the affair.
Being ruthless about ending the affair includes dealing with affair fantasies and daydreams about what happened. There are ways of handling those items which you’ll discover.
A motivated AP threatens your marriage. Ignoring them opens the door to danger.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
