There are many paradoxes you’ll encounter in recovering from an affair. Consider this story of Marc and Gloria.
Gloria wanted to ‘keep the peace’ and do her best to not upset Marc more than needed in dealing with his affair.
When Gloria first encountered the paradox in Marc’s affair she wondered “What the hell just happened?” and her mind filled with questions of “Where did I go wrong?”
When she allowed Marc back into their home, he reacted angrily instead of being grateful. Not only that he was angry at her.
Although she had done plenty for him, Marc didn’t seem happy with anything she’d done. She knew that she avoided provoking him, including watching what she said and yet he was still angry all the time and she didn’t know why.
Those times are the epitome of frustration. In her mind she did everything ‘right’ in the relationship and things were still not working out.
This is the paradox of ‘keeping the peace’. This situation occurs when you do everything you know to ‘keep the peace’ rather than deal with the root problems under lying the affair.
It amounts to ‘taking the easy way out’. The self-help books didn’t tell you that the ‘keeping the peace’ strategy leads to more anger.
In following what was said, you find yourself dealing with more anger and more fighting when you though things would be getting better.
The problem with keeping the peace is that it doesn’t keep the peace. You don’t have peace, because you focused on surface symptoms rather than dealing with the root issues.
Treating the symptoms is a common rookie mistake. You want peace so bad that you’re willing to avoid provoking them by bringing up the ‘real’ problem.
In many marriages, you get into the habit of reacting to and treating the surface symptoms of any relationship problems. The symptoms are what you see, so typically, that’s what you react to. You’re not used to even thinking in terms of root problems and handling things that way.
Dealing with the ‘root problems’ takes you out of your comfort zone. You risk bringing up issues that the two of you have been avoiding either intentionally or out of ignorance of not really knowing what to bring up or deal with.
When you start dealing with root issues, it changes the situation. It forces you and your spouse to honesty face where your relationship is at along with what you need from each other.
It’s scary at first, but it keeps the two of you honest, and puts your marriage on a solid foundation rather than have you chasing fluff and focusing on surface symptoms.
The product I recommend for is the video “How to Rekindle Closeness and Bring Back Intimacy“. It guides you through ways of bringing back what you thought was lost, and developing real connection with each other.
Click the link and download the video. In a short time, you’ll see the affair in a new light and discover the real root issues behind the affair. That’s where the wounding is that needs attention.
When you change your focus, you start seeing new solutions and clear the way for healing to happen.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
