In dealing with affairs, I’ve learned to work with people where they are at. Many couples are still learning how marriage and relationships work.
The same people who played relationship games before they married each other are the same people. That means that they bring their baggage with them into their marriage.
Included in their baggage are their habits and secrets. Where this shows up clearly is with players.
Players are so accustomed to being in and out of relationships that it comes like second nature to them. They may have sincerely wanted to marry, but struggle with the commitment piece.
Consider a reader who asked “Is it adultery if my spouse is aware?” The question is a sincere one. The reader thinks that awareness or ‘permission’ makes adultery acceptable.
This is a dangerous assumption. It assumes that if your spouse doesn’t make a big deal about the affair, it becomes acceptable. The logic is if they don’t say anything about it, then it must be alright.
At that point, they can’t tell right from wrong. They’re depending on the other spouse to set that limit.
A spouse’s awareness or timid response doesn’t make infidelity acceptable for the other.
There are reasons for this. The first is that your marriage vows were before God and the witnesses. Stepping out on your spouse violates the vows you made in front of them.
Secondly, it’s dangerous and presumptuous assuming that your spouse’s silence is approval. They may not know what to say or do. They could also be in denial to the point that they don’t realize what’s transpiring.
Third, it shows disrespect toward your marriage and your spouse. It sends the message of “I don’t care. My own needs are more important than yours.” You may have not said it with your words, but actions speak very loudly.
The action of having an affair like that also sends the message, “You’re not good enough!” If your spouse grew up in a dysfunctional home, they may not know that they can say something or disapprove of what you’re doing.
In many ways, this is similar to the slippery slope of adultery in the swinger community where infidelity is ‘redefined’ so that it’s not adultery if you have permission.
Giving permission or being aware of the affair doesn’t make it acceptable. Disloyalty is still disloyalty.
This very excuse is popular in the swinger community, where extramarital activity isn’t an affair as long as you give permission. They fool themselves with this pseudo morality. They think they’re avoiding affairs, when they’re engaging in affairs.
The question about permission, also tells me that this couple so caught up in extra-marital relationships that they can’t tell right from wrong. They may be so deep into the situation that they want to continue being deceived.
If you’re having second thoughts about the affair and your situation, there are things you can do. One is to download the video “Help for the Cheater: Starting the Road to Recovery”.
The video addresses what is needed in starting a turnaround. You can start changing things rather than let them grow more and more extreme.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
