A common question people ask when talking with them in social settings is “What does it mean when…” The questioner goes on in describing a behavior they recently experienced.
The questioner is puzzled by what they experienced and want explanations. I would say the truth, but in most cases, they prefer explanations to the truth.
The preference for explanations over truth still astounds me. These days, many are deemed experts when they announce plausible explanations to human behaviors.
The most recent incident concerned a cheating spouse who confessed their infidelity, then refused talking about it much after that. Although the cheater expressed a desire for working things out, the bewildered betrayed spouse wasn’t sure what their behavior meant.
One things I can tell you is that they are sending you a double-message. On one level, they express wanting to work things out, while on another level they aren’t working things out.
This kind of situation leaves you unsure whether to believe them or not. Double-messages like that leave you feeling like you’re going crazy. You don’t know which one to believe.
They leave you in a select-a-solution situation. Whatever solution you choose, you’ll be accused of misunderstanding them.
When faced with double-message situations, the best solution is neither. The double-message screams ambivalence. They’re torn between their options. In this case, the refusal to talk about things further is a clear signal about the status of the relationship. These kinds of situations call for looking at what they do rather than being distracted by what they’re telling you with their words.
Double-message situations also tell me that there are some serious communication problems. The two of you may be talking at each other, but there’s not much ‘real’ communication going on. It’s a clear sign that the communication in your marriage needs help.
Improving the ability of each of you being able to tune into each other goes a long way. That kind of connection opens the possibility of problem solving and being listened to.
As long as each of you feels ignored, neither one of you will ‘get’ the other. It’s unfortunate when that happens. You love each other, yet can’t find a way of really connecting with each other.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions” I share with you ways of improving the communication in your marriage. Improving your ability to tune into each other always pays dividends.
Instead of being unsure of what they meant, or what they’re really saying, you can instead have improved confidence in how the two of you connect with each other.
Click and download your copy today. Obtaining clarity in communication will save the two of you hours and days of frustration.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
