Dealing with an affair is one of those things that may leave you feeling like you have lost faith. It could be that you did not loose faith, you just feel that way. The emotional tidal wave that hits you has a way of washing away both faith in your own abilities and your faith in God.
Loosing faith in your own abilities is a common effect from what just happened. You had confidence in your spouse, and believed them when they told you things. Finding out about the affair has a shock effect that rattles your faith in them, in yourself, and in your own decision making. Even though they did the cheating, it robs you of confidence in your own choices and thinking.
I recall when that experience came my way. When a person I was seeing suddenly told me that she was seeing someone else, AND their sister, it shook me like a coon hound shakes a squirrel. In a few seconds, my world collapsed around me and my faith in her and myself left faster than my last breath. I found out first hand how quickly my faith was gone. I was stunned and bewildered at the speed of the change. Wooosh, my world suddenly changed. My only comfort was that I was only dating her. I couldn’t even imagine how devastating it would have been had the relationship been different.
It is surprising, how quickly it happens. In a matter of minutes or seconds, it vanishes. You may wake up one morning with so much confidence that you never even question your faith, then it hits you. The impact of the news shakes your faith to the point that you are no longer sure what to believe about your spouse, yourself, and your own assumptions. All that you were so confident of earlier in the day is now GONE. It is not only gone, you are not sure what to believe any more.
You may be one of those that also loses faith in God. You made your wedding vows before Him and now wonder what is going on. You may have been a ‘good person’, yet news of the affairs shakes your faith to the point where you are not sure what you believe and what is good or bad anymore. You may even wonder why you tried to be good and what benefit it had for you.
Fortunately, all that lost faith can be regained. In many cases, your faith may have been placed in people or the promises they made. You trusted them based on your faith in them without ever having tested or questioned anything.
When you rebuild your faith, you learn the importance of basing your faith on things that are solid. You are less inclined to believe people based on their good intentions and promises. You want something solid to hold onto before you trust them again. You want proof before you place faith in them again.
I want you to regain your lost faith.
What I can tell you is that you will not find it in figuring out what kind of affair it was, or what motivated the affair or what happened in the affair. Although news of the affair washed away your faith, that is not where you are going to find it again.
Finding your lost faith requires you go to the foundation of your relationships. You will have to examine where you began having faith in them and yourself. The affair only tested the foundation that was put down long before the affair. When you have a weak or tepid foundation, news of an affair is devastating.
This is one reason why I address the importance of commitment in “The Trust Formula”. You need something solid to rebuild your faith on and in. A true commitment is not just another promise. You need something stronger than a promise. Going back to the basic commitments of the marriage is necessary.
Besides commitment, you will need to know the person you are wanting to restore faith in. This may mean that you will have to talk about things that you never talked about before. You may have to risk having a level of honesty in the relationship that you were too scared to consider before. The two of you will have to move beyond small talk and address topics that really matter to relationships.
Although you want to have faith again, do you even know what you need to bring up or talk about? Those can be learned. Once learned, you can take steps at opening up those important and life changing topics.
What I want to leave you with is that you can find your lost faith. It is not lost forever. You can once again have faith in your own choices and thinking. Your faith has been shaken and can be restored.
Best Regards,
Jeff
