When it comes to relationships, the issues of ‘grief and regrets’ are often misunderstood. When you confuse these terms, it makes working through relationship issues more difficult than it needs to be.
My friend Nancy used to run the best cigar store in the small town where I live. Being a small town cigar store, her shop was often a place to stop and talk about local events and see what the pulse of the community is. You can always count on hearing some story or anecdote when you visited with Nancy.
One of her sayings was “Everyone has some baggage”. Although the story associated with the saying is forgotten, the truism that everyone has some baggage has stuck with me.
She often used that expression when talking with young people about relationships, pointing out that when you are looking for a perspective mate, you get them PLUS their baggage. The person and the baggage are a package deal. All their hurts, mistakes, and previous relationships are part of their baggage.
She pointed out that in selecting perspective mates, young people need to look at the person AND their baggage. In some cases, they may be a wonderful person, yet the baggage that comes with them is more than you bargained for.
Although she used it for dating situations, it also has application for affairs. With affairs, comes the baggage. You did not want it, did not ask for it, yet because the cheater did what they did, that luggage has been dropped off on your door stoop.
Nancy’s story also has a lesson about grief and regrets. Grief is part of the baggage of any relationship. After every loss, there will be grief. That grief is about adjusting to the changes that the loss brought with it. Grief is natural.
If you expect the cheater not to grieve over the affair relationship, you are being unrealistic. They will need to grieve the loss. They lost a relationship and all the hopes, dreams, etc., that goes with it.
Granted, the circumstances of the relationship were not good. Even though the relationship started under bad circumstances, they will still have to grieve.
When you do not allow them to grieve/get over it/ get closure, you are turning on the timer for a ticking time bomb. Part of grieving is the letting go. After the physical relationship ends, it will take some more time for the emotional and psychic relationship to end as well.
Regrets, on the other hand are about self-induced punishment. They amount to burying yourself under a pile of “shoulds”. There are often a few regrets with any relationship ending. It would be nice if each of us handled relationships in mature, healthy ways.
The truth is, you and the cheater do not handle your relationships in mature, healthy ways. There are still some bad habits, like regrets where you beat yourself up for things that either happened, or you wished had happened.
Regrets are also natural, yet they are generally not healthy. Obsessing or ruminating over regrets does nothing for the old relationship and complicates the present relationships. Those regrets become obstacles which interfere with anyone trying to get close to the person surrounded by them.
Grief subsides over time, whereas regrets only grow stronger over time. This will help you make sense of grief and regrets.
When you apply Nancy’s story to the two, the baggage of grief will get smaller over time, while the relationship baggage of regrets grows heavier each time it’s used.
If you’re still struggling with grief and can’t seem to move past it, there’s a reason. You are still stuck in “Affair Trauma”. Your emotions can get stuck and not turn themselves off when you want them to.
The good news is that the video, “Dealing with Affair Trauma” addresses these issues and more, along with ways of moving past them.
Best Regards,
Jeff
