It continues amazing me how one incident changes how you feel about people and things. During my teen years, I invited the next-door neighbor, Ricky Gardner, over for a game of monopoly.
In the middle of the game, he pulled out his pocketknife and began stabbing the money. I couldn’t believe he was doing it!
His actions startled me. I invited him over to play monopoly and he was stabbing the money. After a few seconds and requests for him to stop, I took action. In this situation, I tackled him so powerfully, we slammed into the wall, ripping out the sheet rock. Ever since then, I’ve not looked at monopoly money the same. Ricky changed my experience of playing monopoly.
Although I liked monopoly prior to that time. His actions cast a shadow on my ‘like’ of playing monopoly. Prior to that episode, I always looked forward to playing monopoly.
When you consider the things you ‘like’, many things come to mind. Although the various objects you like come to mind, there are some commonalities.
One of the things in common with what you like is that you have enjoyable interaction with it. Whether it’s an imaginary interaction or a real-life interaction, when you like something or someone you enjoy interacting with them.
The more pleasant interactions we have with what we like, the more we ‘like’ it. It’s when those objects lose their pleasantness that either boredom or negative reactions happen.
When it comes to people, you still need pleasant interactions. One way you and your spouse can have more pleasant interactions is to play. Even when you’re an adult, you still need play.
Your marriage relationship is no different. You need a spouse who is you enjoy playing with.
Couples develop problems when they no longer play with each other. Play takes many forms. There are many ways the two of you can play with each other in your daily relationship.
When the cheater’s actions interrupt the play, it changes things, much like Ricky Gardner’s actions changed my like of monopoly. It doesn’t mean I never play again, but it does change how I feel about playing.
For the couple, the infidelity becomes a dark cloud that hangs over their relationship. It’s not impossible to get past this, but it will take effort on both of your parts to work through it.
An affair is not just a betrayal, it disrupts play. Since we only play with those we feel safe with, the play stops with the cheater. You’re not sure whether or not they are safe to play with. Like a childhood friend who destroyed your toys, you are hesitant to share any more toys with them. I never played monopoly with Ricky Gardner again after that.
After the cheater hurt you, there’s a hesitancy when it comes to play. Since play and liking are linked, stopping the play cripples your liking of your spouse.
Getting trust back is only the start. Getting the like back along with the play is also important. It’s hard enjoying them, when the two of you are not playing well with each other.
In the downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop” you’ll learn ways of opening up your conversation with your spouse. It’s only when your conversation opens up that they two of you will be able to talk about things like play, and what you expect of each other.
The affair ruined many things. When the two of you are talking, you can begin rebuilding the kind of marriage each of you need.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
