Martha came into my office with a series of questions about misogyny. From the time she came through the door, I felt like I was on trial.
Like a prosecuting attorney, she asked me a series of questions. Before I fully answered one, she already had another one. Her face was stern, bordering on anger. She made it clear that she was not happy. Her use of asking another question before I answered the first one also told me that she wasn’t listening to my replies.
It wasn’t until later that I realized that Martha wasn’t really interested in my answers. She was more interested in pushing her own agenda. In retrospect, I should have seen it coming. Martha has always been a very opinionated person.
She viewed her husband as a misogynist and before she started therapy with me she wanted to ask me about the subject, even though she seemed to already have her mind made up.
In the end, I was able to help Martha understand that not all men are misogynists. We discussed how her husband’s words and actions could be interpreted differently than she originally thought.
She not only had questions, she also gave me reading recommendations on the subject of misogyny including a reading list of books on the topic. I also understood her wanting to feel safe with me before opening up. She’d already been vulnerable to her husband, whom she viewed as a misogynist.
She reminded him of all she’d done for him and his lack of appreciation for it. Her hurts had soured into resentments.
Martha had many legitimate concerns. Her husband had withdrawn from their marriage. Her version of her husband put him in a box that she was not about to let him out of.
Her husband was displeased with many things. He wasn’t sure how to express his displeasure along with his concerns about their marriage.
Their marriage was at an impasse. Communication was choked to the point of being non-existent.
She insisted that he was a ‘hater’ and shut down any attempt he made at discussing his displeasure with their relationship.
The intense anger and frustration left me wondering how their marriage reached such a place. When communication breaks down, accusations are soon to follow.
Each of them hurts and desperately wants the connection they once had. Without communication, they are left in alone in their pain. Their situation left them vulnerable to affairs.
Moving out of the impasse they were in required each of them to make changes in how they dealt with each other. They had to change the way they talked, the way they treated each other, and how they played with each other.
Their journey started with changing how they talked with each other. They also changed how they viewed each other. They worked at finding better ways of listening, expressing themselves, and tuning into each other.
Their relationship improved as they tuned into each other. Even their sex life improved as a result of better communication.
You and your marriage can benefit from some of the same techniques I shared with them in the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions”.
You’ll learn ways of tearing down walls and opening things up that you may have thought were impossible. Instead of continuing to suffer in lonely silence, you can click, download and put these powerful techniques into practice today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
