Growing up, I received advice from people who would say “It ain’t natural” about certain situations and behaviors. They believed that these things went against the natural order of things and that “that’s not how things work”. At the time, this advice seemed too simple and vague to me. I often dismissed it, thinking that it wasn’t relevant to the changing times.
Back in the sixties and seventies, people didn’t consider this advice to be modern or progressive. They would say “It’s 1973″ and do whatever they wanted, whether it was natural or not. However, now I can see the wisdom behind the admonition of “It ain’t natural”. If I had listened to it, I could have avoided a lot of stress that comes with unnatural situations.
One area where this advice would have been helpful is in blended families affected by affairs. When an affair breaks up a blended family, it creates tensions and loyalty issues that are “unnatural”. It’s difficult to navigate between being a parent and maintaining natural family bonds. Who should you prioritize and be loyal to?
Affairs create enough tensions and loyalty problems on their own. In blended families, these issues are intensified due to existing wounds and weak loyalties. This can create a complicated and problematic situation.
It’s not natural for a step-parent to have to deal with the aftermath of an affair that their partner had before they even met. It’s not natural for children to have to choose sides between their biological parent and step-parent. It’s not natural for grandparents to have to witness the breakdown of their child’s family.
A new affair exacerbates the tensions and loyalties, making it difficult to navigate through the aftermath. You have to deal with wounded individuals who are grappling with new wounds and hurt caused by feelings of rejection and abandonment.
Another unnatural situation arises when you and the person who cheated disagree on how to disclose the affair to the children. This is unnatural because you have to put aside your parental responsibilities. The cheater takes on the role of the parent because they have formed new relationships with the stepchildren and/or their mother.
Telling the truth will hurt the children, but lying to them will destroy trust. There’s no winning in such a situation.
An affair puts your marriage and your position in a complicated position. Being in an unnatural situation causes stress and tension that no parent should experience. You love your children, but you can’t treat them as your own in this situation.
There are limits to what you can do and say, turning this unnatural situation into a no-win nightmare.
There are no good options. The choices you want to make are no longer available to you. As my dad would say, “I’ve looked at all the options, and they all suck.”
Even simple questions now present difficult challenges.
Do you do what’s morally right?
Do you do what will save your marriage?
Do you keep peace in the family?
Do you speak the truth and accept the consequences?
Some problems cannot be solved in the current situation. Unsolvable problems are more stressful than solvable ones. Sometimes, you have to find a situation you can live with.
The hard truth is that some situations don’t have pleasant solutions. In these times, it’s important to have a place to share and discuss your thoughts. You need somewhere to vent and work through the situation in your mind.
I now have some availability in my schedule for consultations. If you need help navigating through a situation filled with unnatural binds and traps, email me at Jeff@RestoreTheFamily.com for times and rates.
When facing difficulties that feel unnatural and overwhelming, it’s crucial to have support to get through it.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
