About 23 years ago, my mother-in-law lived with us. There were times when she was out of control with her rage and vitriol.
She was experienced at triggering angry reactions. She intentionally poked the most sensitive topics in her efforts to get me to react. She loved to play the victim and did her best to provoke reactions from me.
During those times, I found myself using skills I learned in working with psychiatric populations. It’s likely she would have freaked out if she knew that I was using hospital-proven techniques in dealing with her.
Although it seemed forever at the time, within about 15 minutes she would be noticeably calmer.
There are times you may find yourself facing an out-of-control spouse, especially when dealing with the affair. When those situations happen, do you know what to do?
In dealing with the affair, there’s a high likelihood that if either of you had traumas earlier in life one is triggered by the other. Those early life traumas have ways of returning to your heart and mind. In some ways it is like a record stuck on replay.
There are ways of calming yourself and them down, even if either one of you has a history of being traumatized. The effects of earlier life traumas can be overcome when you know how.
Besides what you do, the environment where you address the affair matters. Doing it in the wrong place can make matters worse.
As odd as it sounds, besides the environment, your actions and your brain are key components in calming them and you down. The research of Dr. Stephen Porges finds that one person’s mind has the capacity to calm down another person’s mind.
Dr. Stephen Porges’ research in psychophysiology has led to the development of the Polyvagal Theory, which posits that human beings have a physiological system that establishes our capacity to engage with others without feeling fear. This system, the Social Engagement System, allows us to read people’s intentions, creating feelings of safety and connection. It also helps us to calm down when we’re stressed or anxious.
In essence, Porges suggests that our physiological state influences our ability to establish and maintain relationships. A person’s tone of voice, body language, and especially facial expressions can effectively soothe another individual’s nervous system, promoting a sense of calmness and safety. This ‘co-regulation’ of emotions has a significant impact on our overall well-being and ability to operate in stressful situations.
By understanding these mechanisms, we can better control our own reactions and potentially soothe others, even in highly emotional contexts such as dealing with an affair. This knowledge can also shed light on why certain environments, actions, and mental states can exacerbate or alleviate stress.
Think about what that means. Your thinking and reactions either aggravate or calms the situation in ways you are not aware of.
This is my reason for embedding brain hack techniques into the interventions I cover in the ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’. When you’re hurting, you want techniques that get results. You’re not interested in long discussions of why they work or how you just want something that works.
The workshop takes a practical hands-on approach rather than overloading you with theory and all the whys behind the techniques and sequencing.
The unique sequence used builds on you developing the needed skills that help you through affair recovery. That sequence also has built-in hacks designed to help both of you through this, even when it feels out of control.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
