Your affair situation may not involve suicidal threats. If there are no threats, consider yourself fortunate. Some affair situations do involve suicidal threats. The threat may come from the lover, the cheater or you may be the one making the threats.
From the results on the “Affair Recovery Survey”, I know that the threat of suicide are real ones. Such threats are not merely the products of Hollywood high drama theatrics.
When you’re in the midst of a highly emotional situation like an affair, the risk of suicidal threats is heightened.
If you have to resort to threats of suicide in order to keep the relationship, there are problems larger than the affair at work. Relationships that continue based solely on the threat of suicide are not healthy.
If anything they are a hostage taking scenario. Hostage taking relationships are not healthy. Although there may be episodes of genuine feelings, the circumstances are not healthy ones.
When people make such threats, they need to be taken seriously. Just by threatening suicide, things are already extreme. When others threaten suicide to keep things going, they are emotionally playing you.
They’re playing the ultimate trump card to put you on a guilt trip for their choices. Those making the threats are ‘out of control’. It is foolish assuming that you can prevent them from hurting themselves. They are reminding you that they are in control, not you.
If you are faced with such situations, you need an escape plan. Your plan will need to include housing arrangements, developing a support network, contacting a lawyer and possibly involving law enforcement.
You’ll need a place to stay and friends that can ‘hide you out’ or shelter you for a period of time. When desperation makes suicide an option, it is not that far of a stretch for a suicidal person to consider hurting others. They could easily turn into a ‘bunny boiler’, which poses some challenges.
Some lovers do not take kindly to suddenly having the relationship end. The sudden loss of a relationship that had meant a great deal to them can come as a shock.
Bear in mind that the easier it was for the cheater to get into the lover’s pants is likely a sign of weak or non-existent boundaries. When lovers have weak boundaries, the potential from trouble is high.
Any sign of extreme impulsive behavior on the part of the lover is something to consider. If they have tattoo cover-ups, it may be a sign of concern. They may have been obsessive and impulsive in the past as shown by the tattoos and their cover-ups.
If you suspect that one of the parties involved in the affair triangle is suicidal, you will need to do some planning in order to extricate you and your family from the situation.
I discuss the affair triangle in greater detail about how it develops and works in the Affair Recovery Workshop. For this post, we are considering the severing of the affair triangle.
It will be important to prosecute any violations of boundaries. If you allow some minor encroachment, you may be asking for further problems. Once you give way to ‘keep the peace’ it increases the chances you will do so in the future.
You may even need to move to another city and change identities along the way. In these days of social media, and smart phones, a determined party can easily go stalker on you.
In such circumstances you’ll need to emphasize saving yourself and your family way ahead of ‘keeping the peace’. The person making the suicidal threats is counting on you wanting to ‘keep the peace’. That desire to keep the peace is what they are exploiting in gaining emotional control over you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
8 Responses
Precious DrJeff,
On this subject……Yep, all kinds of manipulation going on with this!
On the part of the innocent mates, many of us truly ARE suicidal! I surely was! However, those of us that are TRULY suicidal due to the horrors engulfing us, well, we usually do not tell anyone we are suicidal. I didn’t…..We do not ‘threaten’, as we are in actuality just trying to stay alive. Generally, only fakers ‘threaten’ in order to keep the sick triangulation alive…..
And the adulterous mate does not give a ‘flyin’ flip’ if we do express ourselves! I know that was true for me! It is amazing I came out alive. When I shared with cheaterpants that I was suicidal, all I got was silence. Big Red Flag!
Therefore, you are so correct…….the ‘players’ in the ‘game’ of adultery that pull the “I’m gonna kill myself” card are truly ‘control freaks’! They are usually not suicidal in the least. (though there are exceptions & you should ALWAYS call 911 if someone ‘threatens’ / Life is precious!) That is one of the excuses that cheaterpants gave to me as to why he could not leave his floozy…..She was threatening to kill herself. (Oh, and what about me?! Your legal wife?! The one you promised to cherish?!)
If I had known better at the time, I would have given the advice that is given by professionals that deal with adultery suicide threats…..Get off the phone and call 911 for them.
Both the whore and cheaterpants man-whore pulled the ‘suicidal’ card. Both of them did it for drama and to ‘control’. Sick / Sick / Sick! So glad I am free of that sick drama.
Forge on, DrJeff…..and love to all
PS: Have you visited this web-site? http://www.divorceminister.com/
Sherri,
My heart ached in reading through what you experienced. Thank you for sharing that. Many people are suffering in desperate silence with suicidal and homicidal thoughts. Wrestling with such thoughts is a grueling challenge. I debated on whether to address the topic, yet your response reassures me that it was the right choice.
I also like the term ‘cheaterpants’. It is descriptive and accurate.
Threats of suicide are often used as manipulative traps in affair situations. When someone resorts to such threats as a way to keep you hooked into the relationship, it is bad news.
Thank you for mentioning divorceminister. I will check it out.
Jeff
And thank you, DrJeff, for continuing this most important ministry!
Addressing these harsh realities is so very vital. That is why I urge you to get to know the beloved DivorceMinister aka David. He truly understands God’s heart on these matters and, like you, is not afraid to speak that truth.
I was suicidal for many years. But, once I got some assistance (EFT / Emotional Freedom Technique aka ‘Tapping’) the stagnant, pooled up negative energy was released enough for me to see that it was NOT a moral or character weakness on my part to have these intense feeling. Rather, it was due to the distress heaped upon me by an uncaring & unfaithful spouse.
That was not the only tool or resource I benefited from, but for me it was a key to unlocking and forging onward.
(Of course, all through this, I put my relationship with my God and Creator first in my life! THAT is what actually kept me alive and led me to the resources I needed.)
To be free of all that sickness is so amazing! I am getting my feet under me emotionally, spiritually and financially. All thanks and credit go to our beloved and precious Creator!
Rest assured, my friend, I am well! And headed to your neck of the woods soon! Need to see my parents….
Love to you and Peggy…….and Love to all……Forge on……
Sherri,
Thank you for the background. The tapping/EFT technique has helped some people a great deal. When there has been a severe trauma, strong techniques are needed in restoring ‘balance’ and homeostasis in the nervous system. Tapping is one way that help in restoring that balance.
It is definitely a relief to be freed from the intense negative energy.
We wish you all of our Lord’s fullest blessings.
Jeff
PS: I ‘stole’ the cheaterpants moniker from commenters on chumplady.com.
Tracy allows some pretty rough language on her ChumpLady blog, but her community of innocent spouses has been one of the most healing and beneficial sources of assistance through my healing journey. You may want to check out her blog and links. She actually ‘preaches’ much the same message against adultery as you, but with a VERY different style!
And, as I said….be forewarned! Crude language and free use of ‘sentence enhancers’ is rife. But, some of the kindest, most genuine and authentic survivors of the horrors of infidelity are part of that on-line community. Some of the true-life accounts of what these people have survived while dealing with the horrors of cheating will curl your toes!
I understand about the rough language. When you are dealing with harsh realities and raw feelings, there is a time and place for rough language. It is definitely more healing to have honesty with the rough language than to be decent and nice on the outside while falling to pieces on the inside. Places where healing occur are not always nice, polite and pleasant. Even hospitals are often filled with all kinds of unpleasantness, especially when surgery is in progress. From what you say, the chumplady is one of those places where healing occurs.
Jeff
Precious DrJeff,
Thank you so much for your thoughts on the roughness surrounding healing…..of all sorts! Gotta admit, I had never viewed it quite that way. Gives me a whole new perspective!
Personally, I do steer clear of rough & crude language for the most part, as in my personal life it was only when cheaterpants was involved with another female that he resorted to foul language. Neither one of us had a ‘potty mouth’ normally. An occasional slip, yes. But not our habit by any means.
So, that kind of language is associated with his affairs, so therefore I still avoid, even when I post comments at chumplady. But, I do understand how many people get relief by using those terms.
(I admit, in my dreams, when I am forcefully confronting cheaterpants, some of those types of words are used. But since I rarely see him, this type of confrontation & language will likely never occur IRL)
On healing techniques…..I have found enormous relief using several different types of energy medicine in addition to the EFT. Acupuncture was MAJOR in releasing the PTSD for good! I also did biofeedback for several months (actually was referred to that by cheaterpants himself, as he was also going through the therapy) and a form of micro-current therapy called Bio-Electric Resonance Therapy—-New in this country; still experimental stages. Sooooo much better than mind-altering psychotropic meds.
Stay strong / stay sane / Stay close to our Heavenly Father
Love to all and Forge On, my friend