After you find out about the affair, you may find it hard to think about the future with any confidence. Since you don’t know whether or not you can trust the cheater, your future is very uncertain.
When you have trouble trusting in the area of relationships, it’s hard trusting them in other areas as well. It may be hard to trust them with money, time, out of town trips, visits with friends or family, or being away from them.
You may even find yourself second guessing their every action, asking “Why did they do that?“, “Is there a reason that they dressed up?“, “Did they go to the bathroom or to make a call?“. Even simple things like taking phone calls are often filled with suspicions.
The solid foundation that you once had, no longer exists. You find yourself wondering what you can count on and how far it can be counted on.
You’re not loosing your mind, although it may feel like it. The uncertainty and the unknown are hard to deal with. If the cheater tends to keep secrets, it intensifies your insecurities.
Even before the affair, there weren’t many certainties about the future. Cheating destroys the foundation of your marriage.
When the foundation is damaged, you don’t know where you stand. You don’t know what your status is.
You don’t know how much pressure your marriage can handle. You don’t know if you can depend on the cheater.
That’s a major part of the trouble trusting. When you have stability in your marriage, you have a place to start making sense out of things. When that’s gone, it shakes you to your core.
The wobbly time after hearing about the affair is common to affairs. The intensity of the wobbliness will decrease, although when you are going through it, there are fears that it will never end.
In the video, “How Can I Trust You Again?“, you’ll discover the ingredients needed for a healthy trust. You can know ways of improving the stability in your marriage rather than guessing at what may or may not work.
Best Regards,
Jeff
3 Responses
hmmm something different….yes….I wake up every morning realizing the reality of my husbands choices over the past 31 years….all in direct opposition to the Lord that I have endeavored to serve….and now …his continued choices to lie , cheat and steal from our family …l found that for the past two years he has been in contact with the children of his adultery …I noticed a great difference in his attitude but did not think he was doing this …lying and stealing more money from our family without any concern for the fact that he knew this was in violation of all of his previous ‘sorrow’ and ‘apologies’ for his 14 years of adultery
I now have no doubts about his sorrow…he simply wants to have all of his own choices while continuing to enjoy what our family has to offer. He has made the rules while deceiving me to think he was going to follow the LORD ..both in the beginning of his career as it took off four years after a good start to our marriage…and then again after he could not separate himself from those children’
His choices…with knowledge ….now I realize he has CHOSEN his children of adultery with no respect for me or our marriage or the effect it has on our daughters who live with us .
His decisions have taken advantage of my efforts to obey the laws of the Lord as outlined and directed in the word. He feels he MUST be the responder to the children of his adultery …I see it as another method of CONTROL that the OW has over him by way of the children now.
I have watched my husband over the years…his point of vulnerability is his pride …and his ‘soft’ spot for a tale of woe some female brings to him to ‘help ‘ her with.
He has no problem doing what he does to ‘help ‘ them at the expense of our marriage and family…I see it as a ‘type’ of what the church does at time….it seems a lot ‘easier’ to do the second commandment rather than the kind of submitting that the FIRST commandment takes…and without that obedience and lifestyle change …the second commandment is not carried out in the truth …but by emotion and seeking of fleshly rewards…attention …affirmations ….and glory ..or as Jesus says …”They HAVE their ‘reward’ …gaining1111111100000111111111111 the whole world while losing their soul’
The children now interrupt his work day …our lives …and waking up each day to the reality that since his reconnection with the children ‘for their good’ he has moved upstairs to another bedroom …and has little concern about his life choices upon us all.
His ‘love’ for them is mostly centered upon how HE feels rather than what THEY NEED…in all of the ways a father is supposed to live effecting their children by way of example AND teaching ..training up children takes concern to learn HOW the LORD commands a man to do so .
My husband is not teachable …not for anyone …his life has been full of successes in doing whatever he chose to do .
I see that my life is at a point where …though I had made some progress in healing from his adultery ..having heard that he now HATES her …and sees her methods of manipulation ..He basically has made a choice to respond to the children who have learned how to manipulate him through their own mother.
He is determined to continue ..even declaring that he wants to die and go to hell rather than make any changes in his relationship with the kids. He leaves work daily to take them to breakfast and then to school…something none of our family could get him to care about in terms of taking time from his work .
It seems marriage for me is now one more lesson in being ‘dead and my life is hid in Christ .” and becoming less and less affection upon this world …my husband ..>The way women who marry ‘desire is for their husband’ makes this very hard…I have loved and disciplined myself to continuing to forgive and be thankful for a lifetime of being set aside for his lusts …his trips for him ..his various activities ..all of which have been a form of infidelity and I did not think of it that way …
I see the rest of what is left of my life is destine to be on the sidelines as he serves his flesh and the children of his adultery …He is deceived and cannot and will not see the way this is damaging to all….
One more year in the life of one who is in a marriage to a selfish , carnal man.
Zaza,
You are in a tough position that most women would not have the strength to handle. Since it is a long-standing situation, making changes will not be easy. Some places where you could start is to let go of the 31 year old laundry list. Holding onto your hurts that long often leads to resentments building up. Husbands often sense resentments and distance themselves from them. That may be part of why he is not ‘teachable’. There are some other reasons as well for his unteachable-ness. Letting go of the lengthy 31-year old list of wrong choices is a good place to start. He may sense that you are resistant to any of his direction, which often leads to husbands dismissing their wife’s concerns and lessens her influence over him. It is unfortunate that he made those choices, yet holding onto them will not change them.
OK…worth a try … ..It is like expecting an invalid to help with my healing …he is incapable….thank you .