Living with an angry spouse is much like living with a terrorist. You will have to endure the abuse, keep secrets, limit your social circle to ‘approved’ persons and accept control as a way of life. In extreme cases, the angry spouse may use religion to bolster their control and power. In such cases, you will feel like you are going against God to speak out against the anger and abuse. In such situations, there will be a sense of quite desperation. Those who have lived through it often use terms descriptive of being strangled or choking. In such relationships, control is often emphasized more than love. The main force used to motivate are fear and guilt rather than love and compassion.
When the angry spouse brings cheating into the equation, you are supposed to shut up and accept it. You may even be told that “I have needs” or “This is what men (women) do!” or “If you were more of a man (woman) I would not need to do this!”. Somehow they turn the affair into your fault. Since you are already feeling guilty, it just piles a little more on.
After years of living like this, many spouses find themselves mentally and emotionally broken. Living with broken-ness leaves you feeling helpless and powerless to change anything. You assume a ‘victim’ mindset. The terrorism is now complete. You have been broken and beat down mentally, spiritually and emotionally.
So, how do you deal with such situations?
First, start by taking better care of yourself. Rather than let yourself get run down, improve yourself. As you start taking better care of yourself, you will realize that you do have value.
Eventually, you will find sources of strength. Once there is enough strength, you can begin setting boundaries and taking more steps to improve yourself.
I address the need for self-care in my affair recovery book. You will need to have yourself in good shape BEFORE you start taking on issues like the affair and what you need from the cheater. It weakens your point to demand they treat you better, when you don’t even take good care of yourself.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
