In a recent comment, a reader asked about dealing with a ‘secret affair’. She defined it as when one spouse has an affair, yet ends it in order to not rock the world of her family, only to find she is now suffering in a roommate marriage. In many ways, her comment was a call for help in dealing with her situation along with wanting to know more about secret affairs.
First, most affairs are surrounded by secrets whether they are ended or not. By their very nature affairs are about seeking something that was missing in their marriage. It is clear that something is missing in her marriage. When you are in that situation where you know something is missing, do you know what it is and how to get it back?
That secret life starts with each of them living separate lives independent of each other. Rather than having a spirit of oneness in the marriage, each seeks their own fulfillment without the intertwining of their two lives. Over time, the separateness increases the distance between them. Sure, they live in the same house, but without any spirit of oneness. This is where the roommate marriage dynamic comes in.
The fact that her affair is kept secret tells me that she knows what she is doing is not okay. She knows it’s wrong and feels uncomfortable about it. I also know she still loves her family, so the affair is not driven by a hatred of her spouse and family. She is torn when it comes to her relationships. Yet the affair and its associated secrets keep her locked into her current situation as if she is trapped.
Second, when you are wounded in one of your relationships, seeking healing in another relationship is not the answer that is needed. It provides a distraction, but not the answer. If she was wounded in the relationship with her husband, healing comes from dealing with that relationship wounding.
Although couples marry and profess their love to one another, when the time comes to actually put love into practice, it is another story. Learning how to love your spouse requires letting go of selfishness and pride. If you want all the benefits of love while holding onto your own selfishness, sensual gratification and pride, there will be problems.
When your marriage relationship needs healing, it requires effort. You have to move beyond your comfort zone. This is a stark contrast to affairs, where the effort required is minimal. With the affair, you just give in to your urges without considering the consequences.
When you work on your marriage relationship, you have to deal with taking risks, being vulnerable and being willing to hear unpleasant truths about yourself. You learn the differences between genuine love and the rom-com type of love.
In the Affair Recovery Workshop, you can learn what areas you need to discuss with your spouse so that you can know what needs attention in your marriage. When you don’t know where to start, it makes it hard to heal your relationship.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
