How to cope with a cheating spouse

In responding to a post from yesterday, I realized that I have not addressed the differences in affairs of husbands and wives. Although modern thought often wants to

portray the affairs of each as interchangeable, they are not. Husbands and wives are driven by different motives for affairs. They are also differences in the bonding and connections they form. I recognize that not all affairs are the same, even among the same gender. There will be individual differences in bonding and attachment. The dynamics I am addressing are generalities. These generalities are based on my experiences in dealing with couples in the United States. There may be cultural differences in other nations or sub-cultures.

Without getting too technical, the types of bonding that happens has effects. With husbands, there is often the desire for conquest. The intensity of the bonding is often of a more superficial nature. They often want another ‘victory’ in the form of another woman. In such situations, they can often surrender the conquest and return to their wives.

When wives stray, whether or not they come back has a great deal to do with the intensity of bonding occurring. When they have thrown their all into the affair relationship as opposed to being seduced, they are often hooked. By being ‘hooked’, I am referring to the intensive level of bonding, where they throw join with the man in their lives. Although some women can go through men, a great majority bond to one man at a time. Getting them unhooked after they have engaged their whole heart into the relationship is a major undertaking. When there is intensive bonding, they may turn their back on children and home as well. The metaphor of an analog switch is a way to view it. With intensive bonding, they are either all on or all off.

Bear in mind, these are my thoughts based on experiences and observations based on couples who have come in for help. I have not done surveys, large scale experiments or cross-cultural studies to explore this phenomena.

What I can say with confidence is that “All affairs are not the same”. The reasons for the affair and intensity of bonding are not the same. The nature of relationships that men and women have with affairs are also not the same although there are some similarities and patterns. Treating all affairs with one size fits all answers does not work. The affair is the cheaters solution to what they view as their problem. What problem is ‘solved’ by the affair solution varies from person to person.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

You want the cheater to talk to you and listen to you. Although you want these things, my experience has been that many spouses put roadblocks in the way of this happening. You may be putting up roadblocks that interfere with the very thing you say that you want. If you talk more than you listen, you may be contributing to the communication problem in a major way. I have heard some spouses say, “They won’t say anything, so I keep on talking!” Talking to fill up the silence is a mistake. In rebuilding the relationship, you will need to get comfortable with the silence. You will need to give your spouse an opportunity to talk.

When you ask a question, allow them to answer it. Jumping in with the answer yourself is akin to you having a conversation with yourself. When you can talk to yourself and answer yourself, many spouses take the “Why bother with this” response to such self-stimulation.

It is often hard to listen, due to bad habits, discomfort with silence, your own internal noise and the pain of what the cheater may say. Some of you may be talking to yourself so that you do not have to hear what the cheater has to say. In such cases, it is protecting yourself, yet it is also putting up a wall that keeps your spouse out of your heart and out of your life.

The simple solution is to listen more than you talk.

The next lesson is to consider “What did they actually say?” What they said and what you heard may be two different things. They may be playing word games and avoiding issues. Even if they are playing word games, hearing what they actually said is an important piece in putting together your relationship. When you know what they said, you can respond to what they actually said, rather than what you think they said. Keep in mind that they may be struggling to improve communication as well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

I am sure that many of you want to get the cheater out of the fog that they have been in regarding the affair. When they are at home, they are not ‘at home’. The first place to start in getting them out of the fog is to start with you. You need to get out of your own fog before you can see events clearly enough to lead them out. A big mistake is when you try getting them out before you get yourself out.

So what does it mean for you to get out of the fog? It means that you will need to see the affair for what it is. It means looking at it objectively rather than taking it all personally. When you take it as a personal attack (which it is) your tendency will be to attack the cheater personally as well. Making personal attacks, even though it may make you feel a little better, does little to bring the cheater back or restore intimacy to the marriage.

You will need to be clear on what you know versus what you assume. You will need to be aware of your own feelings and accept responsibility for them rather than blaming the cheater for what you feel. If you blame them for what you feel, they will blame YOU for what they are feeling and doing.

Once you gain clarity on what you know and what you are feeling, then you can begin talking about the fog with your spouse.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

If you have thought about an affair, have you considered what it would do for you? Having an affair will bring excitement and passion, yet

the price tag of that excitement and passion is high. First, there is the risk of communicable diseases, then there is the emotional upheaval the affair brings. With emotional turmoil, there are the physical symptoms that go with it which includes sleepless nights, high blood pressure, nervous stomach and other issues. The emotional turmoil also impacts the state of mind of all parties surrounding you. That means that you are increasing the risk of domestic violence or murder within your own family. Sure the risk is always there, yet when you have an affair, you are tripling if not quadrupling the risk of such an event happening. If you knew that making particular adjustments to your car would increase your chance of a wreck by 3-4x would you do it? If you would not do it in your car, what would make you think that doing it at home is any better? The equivalent behavior would be like drinking and texting while driving at a high speed. If your neighbor did that you would call them a fool and not let your children ride with them, yet when you have an affair, you put your family at risk in a similar manner.

Bear in mind that even the word ‘passion’ means pain producing. When you hear it said that an affair will increase passion, it is true. What is left out is showing you the kind of pain that passion produces. Your emotions will be stronger both in the pleasant and especially stronger in the unpleasant area.

In the relationship dynamic, affairs bring with them lies and deceit. They also bring an increase in selfishness and fighting. If you really want to stir things up in a home, an affair will do it.

Mentally, an affair will change your brain chemistry. The new connections formed in your brain are permanent. You alter your brain when you have an affair, which brings new ways of looking at yourself and the world around you.

If you want to bring in the new age mindset, your affair binds you spiritually to the lover. You create a new bond between your souls that you will never be able to break.

When you bring in the Biblical dimension, adultery is a capitol offense. It brings with it a curse on you, your family, your home and your nation. Yes, that is a strong statement, yet that is the reality of the Biblical price tag for an affair. What makes it worse is that the curse sticks around for 3-4 generations. This amounts to conducting demonic blood rituals in your home and front yard. I suspect that many churches do not present this due to how many toes it would step on and how many feathers would get ruffled if the truth was presented to the congregation.

I have not even touched on the generational impact of affairs and how the family patterns continue for some time. As you can see, the price tag is high. I suspect that Ashley Madison and the others promoting affairs do not tell people the true cost.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah