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One of the dynamics that often occurs in troubled relationships is that of the ‘diagnosing husband’. Many husbands resort to diagnosing their wife with mental health labels when they cannot prevail in intellectual arguments. The practice of diagnosing one’s wife is damaging to the relationship and hurtful to their wife. It changes the relationship into one where one spouse dominates and controls the other rather than a relationship consisting of a loving wife and husband. It has turned into a physician-patient relationship, except that the physician in this case often does not provide good patient care in terms of encouragement and support.
It amazes me how many men have proclaimed themselves experts in mental health issues when their wives disagree with them. It is also concerning that many wives begin questioning their own mindset when the spouse begins slinging out diagnostic labels. Rather than questioning the husband’s ability to make such mental health diagnoses, they instead question whether or not the label fits or explains what they have been experiencing.
The diagnosing husband takes on extra meanness when there is an affair. Whether the spouse having the affair is the husband or the spouse, the labels are thrown about with greater intensity.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
diagnosing husband, labelling, mental health and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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I used to have no idea if a marriage in the throes of an affair could be saved.
I would be sitting there, counseling a couple and wonder if we were just wasting our time. I hadn’t been counseling long enough to know the tell-tale signs of whether a marriage could weather this storm.
Here’s what I do now:
If I’m working with a couple and I want to know the chances of marriage survival, I’ll gently ask these 10 questions:
1. Did your spouse try to hide evidence of the affair?
2. Does your spouse avoid eye contact with you?
3. Does your spouse avoid discussing the topic of the affair?
4. Has your spouse had more symptoms of nausea, upset stomach, or other gastro-intestinal complaints since you discovered the affair?
5. Has your spouse changed their routine since you discovered the affair?
6. Has your spouse paid more attention to you since you discovered the affair?
7. Does your spouse avoid using or mentioning the word “divorce”?
8. Does your spouse show a regard for the children and their reactions to the affair?
9. Does your spouse have religious convictions against divorce?
10. Does your spouse spend 5 or more hours talking with you each week?
Believe it or not, just three “yesses” to these questions tell me there’s a good chance your marriage can survive.
What were your responses? Leave your comments below.
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One of the dangers of affairs is that once the neurons have been activated, by the excitement and relating to a new person in a new manner, they become permanent. The connections made by the firing neurons create new patterns within the brain. The affair litterally reprograms the brain. In the aftermath of an affair, the external environment can be cleaned, but the alterations in the brain are permanantly there. The new connections can weaken over time if they are not stimulated and re-stimulated repeatedly.
The reprogramming of the brain shows that affairs are not a ‘victimless’ activity where no one was hurt. In the process of infidelity, new connections were made, new intimacies developed which may fade over time, but they can not be forgotten. The body often remembers what the mind forgets.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
effects of affairs on the brain, neurons and affairs, reprogramming the brain, Understanding Affairs
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In the recovery community, the term ‘rigorous honesty’ is often used in dealing with out of control behaviors. They know that the heart is deceitful and will often find excuses and rationalizations to continue the out of control behavior and make sound acceptable. Rigorous honesty is the weapon used to shine the light of truth on their actions. When faced with rigorous honesty, many people initially react with anger. They did not want to be exposed or revealed for what they are doing. In a similar manner, the heart, when it comes to affairs is deceitful. It generates excuses and rationalizations to make the unacceptable —acceptable. With excuses like “I deserve some happiness”, “Who is really going to be hurt?”, “It is a victimless behavior”, “It’s human nature”, “It’s not an affair since we did not have sex” or any one of several hundreds of excuses are used.
The questions that need to be asked are more like:
-Am I being faithful to my spouse?
-Am I honoring the promises made to my spouse at our wedding?
-Will this improve my relationship with my spouse?
-Is this something that I can be proud of and talk about in public?
Such questions cut more to the heart of the matter. Rigorous honest cuts through the deceit, vanity and self-deception that often surrounds affairs. With more rigorous honesty, there will be fewer affairs. If your marriage is in trouble or is not where you want it to be, you need to take action on this matter NOW! Rather than waiting until the dust settles or denial hides many aspects of the relationship, take action in purchasing Infidelity: A Survivor’s Guide at the surviveyourpartnersaffair website. The guide will tell you more about rigorous honesty and what is needed in recovering from an affair. You can choose to wait and suffer in desperation, yet that will not improve your marriage or your life any sooner.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
honest and affairs, honesty and infidelity, Understanding Affairs
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One of the problems of working in an environment that is results oriented is that spreads into other areas. People begin to evaluate their manhood/womanhood in terms of the bottom line. Since their sexuality is tied in with their personhood, a common problem is to begin keeping score of their progress in terms of sexual conquests. They sincerely believe that the number of sexual conquests they have accumulated is related to their own evaluation of themselves as a person. Whether or not they are a success is determined by how many people they have had relations with.
When quantity replaces quality in terms of sexual relationships, the likelihood of affairs is increased. The risk of quantity replacing quality will increase with the amount of performance pressure a job involves. When you feel that quantity is replacing quality in your relationships, the time to take action is at that moment.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs and professionals, cheating and professionals, Understanding Affairs
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Some people are enamored of professionals when it comes to affairs. They assume that because they are a (doctor, lawyer, architect, etc.) ___________ that said person is safe to have an affair with. Just because they have some schooling, and professional credentials does not mean that they have better morals or sense of duty than other people. It is also a mistake to assume that that professional that you are having an affair with is physically safe either. Venereal diseases do not discriminate. They can infect doctors as well as other professionals as easily as they can infect a truck driver or carpenter.
People who are not professionals often admire and respect the professional. At times that respect can manifest itself as ‘infatuation’. Although the professional should realize the infatuation for what it is, they often don’t. Rather than avoid affairs with non-professionals, they often exploit they special standing they have in society and give in to their animal desires. Most have never been trained in handling the phenomena and they genuinely believe that the other person does love them. It is no surprise that men (and women) in uniform or professions often exploit non-professionals. The uniforms and licenses are often used to hide the carnal creature they become when involved in an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
infidelity and professionals, infidelity and professions, professionals and affairs, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs, uniforms and affairs, VD and affairs
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As youngsters, many people played the game of freeze tag. Once you have been touched, you are touched you are to remain frozen in position. In a similar manner, when a person has an affair, the distance which existed in the relationship is frozen into position. The distance between husband and wife effectively becomes cemented. The distance impacts how they communicate and how they interact with each other. If any meaningful change is to occur in the relationship, this distance will need to be addressed. It is not enough to just forgive to talk about what happened. The couple will need to address the distance between the two of them them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affair and communication, affairs and intimacy, Understanding Affairs
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Feeling trapped by an affair? If you are trapped, or just feeling trapped, it is important to escape. The longer you choose to stay in an affair, the greater the damage is done. Delays in making a major intervention just to protect the feelings of others is a mistake. Traps can be made of emotional material as well as iron bars. There are times that the emotional ties are stronger than iron bars. Whether it is a physical or emotional trap, it is imperative to escape at the earliest time you can. Whether or not it is convenient, or easy, you need to pull out of the affair. Yes, the lover may be upset (or lonely, or angry, or …). You may be called names or be threatened. It is better to leave with bruised pride rather than a damaged body or mind. Once you are out, then you can think things through. That is when you can recover and find yourself. Trying to find yourself while in an affair is a sure way to loose yourself.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
entrapment and affairs, entrapment and cheating, escaping and affair, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs
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Is it possible to have an affair without realizing it? The answer is an unqualified “YES”. In the dating world, people are not always upfront with the information a person needs in order to make wise choices. That woman that you are taking out on a date may not have told you that she is married. When the date began, you may have operated on the assumption that everything was copasetic. You may be operating that her interest in you was genuine. IN such cases, many are caught in traps they never intended to be a part of. It is not beyond married men and women to portray themselves as ‘available’ and single when the reality is that they are not so. When spouses are away as part of overseas assignments or in prison, their counterparts may not remain totally loyal to them. When faced with a prolonged absence, some spouses operate as if they were ’single’. In some cases, it is intentional, in others, such situations are due to you being caught up in their delusional thinking and values about how they are available. Although the lonely spouse may be enticing, the ‘well’ is a poisoned one. In such situations it is best to exit quickly, no matter how charming and enticing they are.
It is a mistake to think that the person who was tricked was actively seeking an affair. People can be tricked or deceived into an affair. When the person who was tricked happens to go along with the situation, then they are literally asking for trouble.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
military wives and affairs, prison and affairs, Reducing the Risk, tricked into an affair, tricked into cheating, Understanding Affairs, unintended affairs
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Since affairs hurt people at a very personal level, the risk of revenge is extremely high. One of the major dangers is that there are often more people that want revenge than the infidel can keep track of. The offended spouse, the lover, the lover’s ex, family members of the offended spouse, etc. Affairs are often easier to jump into than out of.
Not only is it hard to predict who will seek revenge, it is also difficult to predict when, where and against who it will come. Some offended parties will attack directly. Others prefer indirect attacks which are designed to inflict peer and a sense of helplessness. The greater the offense, the higher the likelihood of vengeful retaliation. If you are having an affair with a married person the risks are even higher. Keep in mind that more than half of all women killed in the United States are killed by family members. In terms of men, 90% of men who are murdered every year are killed by acquaintances or friends.
These are high numbers which anyone who is planning an affair or involved in an affair should be aware of.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
dangers of affairs, murder and affairs, revenge and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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