Those involved with affairs often compartmentalize their lives. They separate out the affair from the rest of their lives. Such compartmentalizing does not stop when the affair is over. When this habit begins, it is often difficult for those afflicted with it to be honest. The lack of honesty makes it difficult if not impossible to openly address the affair and the issues related to it.
If those involved were honest with themselves from the beginning, they would have seen where the affair would lead. They would of have an inkling of what the outcome of their actions would be. In order to keep an affair going, it is common to seperate out the portions of their lives. They make excuses like “It’s my life, I deserve some happiness!” or “What they don’t know will not hurt them” or “We are both consenting adults and no one is getting hurt!” Each of these are excuses. They serve to confuse the mind and keep the person from seeing how their actions do have consequences.
Being honest with yourself and your spouse is essential in overcoming the effects of an affair. The secrets need to be replaced with honesty.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
honesty and adultery, honesty and affairs, honesty and cheating, Rebuilding the relationship
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With the Christmas and holiday season upon us, there is also the increased danger of affairs. Although many people associate the holidays with family times, the holidays are also an important time for affairs. The holidays often bring high expectations and emotional upheavals. The expectations and upheavals are also a breeding ground for affairs. With all the money spent on gifts and time spent shopping, adulterers often use the chaos as an opportunity to sneak off and spend time with their paramour.
An affairs is not a pleasant gift to unwrap for Christmas. It has a way of giving more pain and hurt than it takes away. They totally change any associations that may have existed concerning the holidays. At the time an affair is underway, those involved do not view themselves as ‘grinches’ that steal joy and happiness, instead they see themselves as hurting and deserving of some joy in their lives. Between the expectations of their family and themselves, someone is going to get hurt. In most cases, everyone loses. Affairs often promise joy and the realization of a fantasy, but the reality is that they bring with them pain, loneliness, conflicts and lies.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Christmas and infidelity, holiday expectations and cheating, Holidays and affairs, Infidelity over the holidays, Understanding Affairs
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Although it sounds romantic to throw yourself into “doing everything you can do”, such actions are often driven by emotions. It is always wise to consider the cost. Is the relationship and everything associated with it worth all that you are putting up with. One needs to consider at what point do you draw a line and say, “enough is enough!”. It is not unheard of that a spouse or partner will intentionally have an affair as a way to leave the relationship. They may not have the courage to just walk out and instead make things so miserable for their spouse that they are ‘kicked out’.
By advocating “counting the cost”, I am not suggesting giving up on the relationship. It is important to do what is reasonable and what you should do. There does come a point when you are overextending yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually. When you have overextended yourself, you may find yourself making compromises that are detrimental to the relationship. The focus needs to be on doing the right thing, and allowing God to do his work, rather than you play the role of God and try to “do it all”. You can not force them to love you. When you endanger your family and end up putting more people at risk than necessary, you are likely playing “God” in the matters at hand.
Before you throw everything into ’saving’ the relationship, including the kitchen sink, you may be doing too much. What is important is to do the right thing. You may have to conduct some soul searching to uncover what the right thing is. Doing the ‘right thing’ is more important than doing ‘everything’.
When a person plays the role of ‘God’, I have often seen that their pride becomes inflated and in the long run, they have to make major attitude changes. You want your spouse to return to you based on their love for you and commitment to the relationship, NOT based on your ability to manipulate them. You want them to come back of their own accord, not your persuasiveness. If they do come back based on your persuasiveness, then all it will take for them to stray is some better persuasiveness from someone else.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
getting your spouse back after an affair, getting your spouse back after cheating, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, recovering from cheating, recovering from infidelity
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It seems that the title of the old play, “No sex please, we’re British” no longer applies. In a recent study that was published in the London Times, Britain has a new distinction. They are now the top Western nation for casual sex. The study looked at promiscuity in several areas and found that Britain leads other industrialized nations. Although some groups were more promiscuous, the British were 11th overall. It was suggested the the decline in religious principles among many in Britain led to a greater acceptance of extra-marital relationships. (From my own experience, there are many in Britain who hold to traditional values, although they do not seem to be the ones who were involved in the survey).
What does this mean? It could mean that in general, the British people are more tolerant of cheating/infidelity and affairs than some other nations. Although they are accepting, it does not mean that the behavior is condoned.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs in the News, British acceptance of infidelity, cheating, infidelity, infidelity among nations
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With affairs, as with other human relationship issues there is a tendency for things to complicate quickly. With how quickly them complicate, there is a need for direction or focus. One of the ways to maintain focus I learned from sailors. In order to maintain their course, they have a clear and defined idea where they are going. They plot a course. During their journey, they take readings and readjust their vessel to account for storms, waves, etc. and return to the original course.
Navigating through human relationships can be stormy. By using the example of the sailor, we need to stay on course. If your destination is reconciliation, then do not get caught up in paybacks and punishment. If you just want peace of mind, you may have to give up control and other issues that take away that peace of mind. Focus on what is your final destination rather than allowing yourself to become distracted by the rocking of the boat.
Focus is an important tool, when you use it. In making through an affair, it is essential to maintain focus.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
dealing with affairs, dealing with cheating, how to maintain focus, maintaining focus, Rebuilding the relationship
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Years ago, the prophet Moses stated “Be sure your sins will find you out”. I was reminded of this over the Thanksgiving holidays. During this time, I reviewed photo albums. I was surprised at how revealing that photos were. Family conflicts and crises can not be hidden. Photos capture our non-verbal gestures which often give away underlying issues. With an uncanny accuracy, marriages that were in danger could clearly be identified by the non-verbal gestures captures on film.
Although people often attempt to dismiss the non-verbal gestures, tics and slips, they often reveal a reality of unment needs and desires. It is as if they reveal a hidden language. In some of the family get-togethers over the holiday, I saw many warning signs of problems. I often wonder, “Can’t they see this?” “It is so obvious!”. The reality is many people do not see the signals or either do not want to see them. This is especially true with infidelity or cheating. The signals are there, yet couples (and family members) often ignore, dismiss or joke about the signals rather than deal with them. Although the details of events may be a well-kept secret, the prescence of the affair is not.
Cues that involve eye contact, hand gestures, jokes, behavior sequences, and distance are some of the signals that provide clues as to what is going on in their psychic world. The cheater may act like everything is normal, yet the body reveals the truth of their existence.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, how do I catch a cheater, looking for non verbal gestures, signs of cheating, signs of infidelity, Understanding Affairs, what do non verbal gestures indicate?
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One of the issues that complicates recovery from an affair, is when there are other issues with recovery. When a person is struggling with addiction to alcohol or drugs, the pain of an affair is even more difficult to deal with. In such populations, the agenda is often one of avoiding pain, rather than facing it.
The avoidance of pain for such populations becomes a way of life. With any crisis, including the affair, the standard method of coping is to drug/drink. Recovery from addiction is hard enough without having to deal with an affair. Resorting to the bottle or pills may numb the pain, but it does nothing in terms of helping one get through the pain or what caused the pain in the first place.
Learn to work through the pain. Although it may seem overwhelming, it will need to be faced and overcome. When a position or attitude of hopelessness sets in, there is a loss of motivation that occurs. It is important to keep up hope and work through the pain rather than giving in to it. Avoiding issues and pain is what led to the affair in the first place. Using the same technique as a way to cope with the affair is an excercise in futility.
Keep a clear head, you will need it for the days ahead.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
alcohol and affairs, alcohol and cheating, drug abuse and affairs, recovery from addiction and an affair, recovery from an affair, Understanding Affairs
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With the holiday season around the corner, the possibility of affairs increases. The question soon arises as to whether or not you are at risk for an affair.
1. Do you or your spouse spend large quantities of time away from home?
2. Do you or your spouse take frequent business trips?
3. Do you or your spouse work in a business where there are large sums of cash?
4. Do you or your spouse drink too much?
5. Do you or your spouse spend large amounts of time engaged in viewing pornography?
6. Do you or your spouse have sudden changes in sexual tastes or behaviors?
7. Have you or your spouse suddenly changed your hairstyles or frequent the gym more often?
8. Do you or your spouse often maintain separate computer e-mail accounts?
9. Do you or your spouse engage in secretive behavior on the computer?
10. Do you or your spouse have different bedtimes?
11. Are there unexplained gifts or expenses?
12. Do you or your spouse have cell phone bills and charge card bills sent to an address other than the home?
These are just a few of some of the signs to be on the look out for. These will alert you to possible situations that are at high risk for affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
high risk for affairs, infidelity, Resources, signs of an affair, signs of cheating, Understanding Affairs
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One of the dangers of the internet, and especially social network sites is that many people use them to stalk others. This feature brings an element of danger to any affair, whether it is virtual or otherwise. The ability to stalk means that the spurned lover may hunt down your partner or even the resolute spouse during and after the affair. This feature also poses a danger for the lover. The lover can also be stalked by an anger or obsessed spouse.
Getting involved in an affair is often akin to Russian Roulette in that the unsuspecting spouse may not have considered the psychological make up of the person they selected to have an affair with (or who had an affair with them). When you can get into another person’s pants, the likelihood is that there are some self-control issues at work. Those same poor self-control that made it easy to score, makes that person dangerous. The easy score may also have limited self-control when it comes to revenge or respecting boundaries.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating and stalking, cyber stalking and affairs, poor self control, revenge and cheating, stalking, Understanding Affairs
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I have written several postings on the use of technology and affairs. In a recent news article, the latest offering from Apple, the iPhone has been used in a cheating situation. The accused claims that his iPhone had a glitch, which sent a questionable picture of him to a female’s e-mail account. Although the spouse called Apple about the supposed glitch, questions still remain about the incident.
Although technolgy has the potential to be helpful, when in the hands of a cheater, with their devious planning, many applications can be found for the technology to enhance their cheating experience.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs in the News, technolgy and cheating, technology and infidelity, using an iPhone to cheat
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