Since there was such a response to the previous post addressing the “Exit Affair Syndrome”, a follow-up was needed.
There are questions some of you have had about exit affairs and the ‘Exit Affair Syndrome”. Let’s start with what an exit affair is. The exit affair are those flings a spouse initiates as part of their exit strategy. The cheater wants out of the marriage and uses the affair to make that happen.
Using the affair to exit their marriage to you can be intentional or unintentional, conscious or unconscious. The possibility of an exit affair is higher in marriages if you have the mindset of “an affair = end of marriage”.
When an affair is equated with the end of the marriage, there’s a strategy of using the affair as part of an exit strategy. They know that your marriage is conditional, like a conditional contract. They know that a violation of that contract is their way out of that contract.
The motivations for an exit affair is where the ‘exit affair syndrome’ comes in. The cheater may have some avoidance issues. They want to avoid dealing with some aspect of the marriage relationship.The affair is a way of making sure they don’t face what they’re avoiding.
What they are avoiding varies from an avoidance of conflict, to avoidance of the closure of ending relationships, to an avoidance of intimacy to an avoidance of facing/confronting their fears.
The cheater uses the affair in ‘solving’ what they view as a problem. What they think is the problem, may be some area of your marriage that’s been neglected or that you weren’t aware of.
You’ll want to find out what their ‘real’ problem is. The affair, in the case of exit affairs, is only the cheaters solution to that ‘problem’. When you focus on the solution rather than the ‘real’ problem, you miss out on an opportunity to work on what’s actually going on in your marriage.
I use the term ‘opportunity’ since both you and the cheater end up facing the same issues again if both of you re-marry. Re-marrying only changes the playing field where your relationship problems are acted out. Another marriage does not fix anyone. Another marriage doesn’t fix relationship problems and it won’t fix you.
If anything divorce and re-marriage limits many of your options. The courts often limit what you can do and when you can do it.
Relationship problems are only worked out by facing and working through them. It’s only in addressing those problems relating to each other and interactional issues that you’ll finally resolve the issues and achieve true personal growth.
In other words, the two of you need to look at how you treat each other, talk to each other and think about each other. The magic or the pain is in the relationship between the two of you.
That’s where my video, How To Rekindle Closeness And Bring Back Intimacy In Your Marriage product comes in. It shows you ways of bringing back closeness and intimacy. It reveals those areas of your marriage that have been avoided or the ones you didn’t realize impacted the intimacy in your marriage in such powerful ways.
Best Regards,
Jeff
9 Responses
This is truly one very important aspect of the way my husband dealt with whatever he has not wanted to deal with.
His work place relationships have always gone smoothly and I believe , as I have observed over the many years and the many offices he managed that this was in part because he was large and in charge there …seen as a ‘great guy’ and one who was thought of very highly in every way …especially in integrity and honesty!
It seems he does very well in relationships that do not demand personal disclosures and deeper involvements.
This was not the case in our first years of marriage when he was also involved in our fellowship and bible ministry more with many people who were pretty much all on the same financial level.
Success and the distance and independence his new career offered along with our first child offered him a venue to create a separate life which he dove right into.
I noticed that whenever there was something that we needed to discuss within the range of our personal lives with each other , instead of dealing with it and discussing it he would leave .
This continual exiting when things were requiring mature discussion and working things out was making it difficult for me to learn what it was that he wanted in marriage, life and from me.
I felt like I always had to be a mind reader and learn to please by observation …I tried the more female methods to bring about a comfort for him to open up by being open about my own life with being aware that somehow I had to be careful not to push, pry or nag ….I kept this in mind when approaching him to discuss anything that most couples need to discuss in a marriage relationship.
My husband is good in public interactions but does not like to be known . He even told me he did not share much with the OW either…[something which is offensive as if anyone else’s relationship is equal somehow to what a wife is supposed to be privy to!]
Actually the OW at least KNEW what they were up to and so she actually had a clearer view into my private life than I have ever enjoyed about my own husband.
In fact I only learned of my husband’s plans to never retire by overhearing him speak to someone he worked with at one of the company parties.
His usual distancing technique with me whenever I asked about how we might discuss our future was to say ” Are you writing a book? Leave that chapter out’ …This kind of flip remark was really uncharacteristic and now I realize it was due to the infidelity he was involved in, as were several other remarks that seemed out of character for him.
My husband continues to pull the wool over the eyes of all who work with him ….as even today I spoke briefly with a receptionist who I had not met since I do not go to his office and certainly have not met the new people in his new office.
She was so enthusiastic to say how impressed she was with my husband’s integrity and honesty….I just listened …happy that she at least did not seem surprised to learn my husband is married!
Since he moved out I have heard little to none from him except through his time when he picks up our daughters for his ‘time’ with them. They are adults whose own lives have been truncated by their father’s adultery and departure.
In retrospect my husband’s ‘exit’ began when his first child was born ..his mom died…and he began to HAVE to create an office culture wherein people were comfortable with him and felt he was ‘approachable’ …at least that was the line I got.
He is good at deceiving even himself with this kind of thing…
Compartmentalization is a word I loathe…to me it is counter the intentions of our God who is ONE and whose command for us was to become ONE FLESH in marriage and to be ONE in spirit among believers.
This idea of compartmentalization is just another rational for doing whatever one wants…another outcome of the sinful philosophy of the ‘greater good’ begun sometime in the latter 17th century as a sort of panacea for society wanting it’s own way apart from law and order of healthy living according to the design of man by GOD ….
Zaza,
Your story is quite a vivid living illustration of an exit affair. Exiting can occur in many ways, from just shutting people out, to fully leaving the marriage or any place in between. Those using the exit affair often have trouble with good-byes/closure in other areas of their lives as well. The marriage is often where it is easiest to see, but it is never limited to the marriage.
I liked what you said about compartmentalization. That is often the way that such people are able to carry on. What they do not realize is that it becomes progressive. They have to compartmentalize more and more aspects of their lives. They also become emotional cripples who are unable to handle anything that starts to make them have to get real. In other words, they lose touch with reality in terms of the ability to be real or genuine. The time will come when they will have trouble telling the difference between the real and the compartmentalized worlds they live in.
I see what you have said about compartmentalization….people seem to have made this a ‘norm’ state since selfishness requires it and our day and time seems to demand more and more of people’s time and attention
Anything to distract from the necessity to seek and know the Lord….it is part of a systematic work of the god of this world to steal, kill and destroy even as the scriptures give plenty of records of how this kind of state of mind and way of spending one’s lifespan will soon use up what time they may have to seek Him.
Anyway .,..nothing is beyond the reach of our God who is ever merciful and willing to receive all who will seek Him …will find Him …while they yet live.
Thanks for the reply Jeff ….life goes on….it is good to make the choice which will determine one’s eternity ..sooner rather than later …Some great counsel THIS…
Isaiah 55:6 Seek ye the Lord while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:
7 Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts: and let him return unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him; and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.
10 For as the rain cometh down, and the snow from heaven, and returneth not thither, but watereth the earth, and maketh it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower, and bread to the eater:
11 So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it.
Psa 118:1 O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever.
Mat 11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
I have written another follow up post on the ‘exit affair syndrome’ which should be online next week. It goes into more detail on some of the issues like compartmentalization.
Jas 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
Gotta love ya!
your welcome!