Each day I think that the media can’t mess thing up anymore, they find a new way. I cringe when I hear of new ways that cheaters dodge responsibility and blame someone or something else for what they do.
Today, a reporter for Fox News claims a new study shows that ‘infidelity is hereditary’. The story is based on research done by Dr. Dana Weiser at Texas Tech.
When cheaters hear such things as these reports, it gives them a way to dodge responsibility. Anything that contributes to their “I can’t help it” excuses gives them a new way of avoiding responsibility.
In one of my e-books (Picking Up the Pieces) and in the Affair Recovery Workshop, I addressed this topic of whether or not affairs are hereditary in more detail, including ways of finding out how deep the problems go.
It’s clear that the propensity to cheat is a pattern in some families. Whether or not one generation follows that pattern or not is a matter of choice. Cheating still involves choices.
They choose whether or not to follow any family patterns. Disturbingly, about 40% of cheaters follow in their family tradition. You may have a tendency to cheat, but that doesn’t mean you have to.
Let me be clear, the weakness to cheat is a pattern. They can choose to follow it or not. They are not doomed to cheat, nor is one generation doomed to be cheated on.
With such studies and reports, it is easy making a lot of emotional noise without explaining things or putting them in context.
If cheating is inherited, it’s not clear “how” cheating is passed on, whether in the form of attitudes, behavior toward the opposite sex, tendency toward addictive personalities, or some other mechanism. There is some evidence its passed on in the form of chemical imbalances.
The Bible even mentions the ‘sins of the fathers’ being passed on, which likely includes cheating. Although passing behavioral traits is mentioned, it does not indicate ‘how’ they are transmitted.
As I shared in the e-book section on genograms, many behaviors follow family patterns. Alcoholism, bad marriages, affairs, etc. Knowing about these family patterns can help you change such family patterns.
Although I have not found the study, the author, Dr. Dana Weiser has been studying intergenerational patterns behind infidelity for a while. Intergenerational is a fancy word for how some problems are patterns in families across generations.
Her findings are based on a study of 294 people. In that study, published in the Journal of Family Issues, they looked at parental infidelity, parental marital status, parental conflict, and parental marital satisfaction were associated with the likelihood of offspring having ever engaged in infidelity.
The news report didn’t mention these other items that were involved. Knowing whether or not parents are happily married, whether there is a history of family violence and the marital status of the parents are important to know.
The news report did not mention the size of the study. Making global statements about cheaters based on what happened to 294 people is tricky to say the least.
When parents are happily married, even though there may be some grand-parent or great-grand parent who strayed from their marriage suggests that those patterns can be broken. The patterns are not biological destiny.
Family therapy practitioners have long known about such intergenerational patterns behind infidelity and other behaviors. The dilemma in previous decades was whether or not to consider infidelity a ‘problem’ or not. Although therapists knew that affairs are often problematic, the researchers did not always address infidelity as being a ‘problem’.
Gregory Bateson and Margaret Mead are one example. Although their ideas shaped some of the early family therapists, their own infidelities were never considered as problematic.
For the most part, infidelity was largely considered a non-issue by early researchers in the field of family therapy. Since these early researches impacted the thinking of those in the field. Despite the bias of the ‘founders’, some researchers do consider infidelity problematic.
When there’s not agreement on whether or not it (infidelity) is a problem, how can you have family therapists or counselors all on the same team regarding infidelity?
When all parties do not share some of the same foundations, it is hard to have a coherent and consistent message. It also makes any kind of consistent research problematic as well.
This is why some therapists view cheating as a problem and some do not. When you do not see cheating as a problem, what is the likelihood that you will address it as an issue needed fixing in the counseling sessions?
I view infidelity as a problem. I also view it as a fixable problem. An affair does not have to end your marriage. You can overcome the affair and your marriage can survive the affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff
