Have you ever tried “fixing” or repairing something with the wrong tools? Besides posing challenges, and frustrating you, the likelihood that you were able to actually repair what was broken is low.
Besides the right tools, you need a solid foundation to build your family on.
You do not want to confuse marriage improvement with affair recovery. These are two different things. Recovery from an affair will improve your marriage, but marriage improvement tools do not always help with affair recovery.
When an affair happens, something needs to be “fixed” or repaired. Until that repair is made or fixed, making improvements to your marriage will be of limited use. Sure, you can go to the marriage renewal weekends or take marriage courses, but they are not designed specifically for dealing with affairs. Using the weekend renewal retreats and marriage courses is helpful, yet getting your marriage running at a high performance level when there is major damage needing repair is asking for trouble.
Just the physics of home repairs should teach you a few things. Improving performance when a major piece is broken puts extreme stress on the whole thing. That extreme stress can lead to breakdowns. A broken foundation also weakens the whole family structure. Improving your marriage before you have dealt with the damage from the affair is similar. You can have a high performing marriage, yet with affair damage, everything will be stressed and strained.
This is a case of fixing the problem with the wrong tools.
Although some handymen brag about fixing anything with enough duct tape and WD-40, such repairs do not work so well when it comes to affairs. They may get your marriage running smoother, but the damage is still there. The duct tape and WD-40 are not the right tools for dealing with an affair.
You need tools and ways of keeping your marriage running smoothly. There are also ways to bring sparks of excitement back into your marriage. These are good tools, unless the foundation of your marriage is damaged. Throwing more excitement or sparks into lives that have not recovered from an affair is a potentially explosive situation.
If you use tools that keep things running smoothly in a marriage when there has been an affair, it may keep things running so smooth that the affair issue is smoothed over and NEVER resolved or dealt with. This is why you need the right tools and techniques for dealing with an affair.
Repairs after an affair call for your marriage to build a new foundation. Rebuilding a marriage on a foundation that is already damaged is asking for trouble. The old trust-based foundation is broken. Since your marriage is the foundation relationship of the family, it is crucial to get the repairs done right. The old trust-based foundation needs replacement.
When you try using marriage fix-alls for an affair-damaged marriage, you end up with a shaky foundation. You may even find yourself wondering if the next woman or man who comes along may steal the cheater’s heart away and send all your fix-alls into a pile of debris.
The foundation of your marriage needs repair, not a patch.
Once the new foundation is laid and ready for use, you can start rebuilding your family and future on it. In the Affair Recovery Workshop, I go into greater detail as to what this foundation is, along with the proper tools and ways to build the new foundation.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
I found your comment to strike a note, I do understand the feeling that even if I try to “smooth things over” with him, who’s to say he won’t do it again. I’m still dealing with the uncertainty that I want to work things out anymore. I asked to get counseling, over a year & a half ago & still have yet to. I feel as though it’s been swept under a rug & there it’s festered into resentment. I honestly don’t know how to feel anymore. To stay for the sake of our family or leave because I feel it’s becoming toxic…
Rikki,
I am glad that the comment struck a note. I strive to connect with the struggles you and others are facing. The ‘uncertain’ time is a tough place to be. There are a couple schools of though on such situations. One is that affair recovery happens SLOWLY, and that you do not want to proceed too fast. This line of though is that you need to give it time, then some more time and then double that time.
It is a stressful place to be when you operate under the assumption that if you ‘say something’, they may cheat again. It limits your options. It also does a weird twist on responsibility for the affair. Under such circumstances, the cheater start talking as if you ‘made’ them cheat. That is a real crazy making situation when they hold you hostage to where you can not say anything about their cheating because if you do, they will cheat again.
My own line of thinking is that realistic time frames and commitments are needed to move forward. A year and a half is definitely being more than generous. If a spouse can not commit after 18 months, that is a concern. That is over 540 days. When a spouse does not know whether they want a relationship with you and are willing to commit after 540 days, their indecision is a decision. They are choosing to have their cake and eat it too.
The longer you are kept in limbo, the more confusing your emotions become. That is often due to being torn between what you think you ‘should’ be feeling and what you are experiencing. That is an unpleasant place to be. You hope for the best, yet find yourself feeling discouraged, hopeless and angry.
Your perceptions are spot on. When resentments start developing, the relationship is becoming toxic. Resentments are relationship killers.