The Happiness Connection

There may be times that you have told your spouse “Do whatever makes you happy!” It is natural that you want your spouse to be happy. There is something about an unhappy spouse that puts a huge emotional drain on your marriage.

I don’t like it when my spouse is unhappy, and I am sure that you do not either. You really do want them to be happy, you just assume that they know that there are limits that they need to impose in themselves in seeking after their happiness. Although you know their are limits, your spouse may be like a teenager and test those limits.

Operating within limits is skill that few people have. They want to “send one over the wall” when they seek after happiness. They go to extremes. One of the hallmarks of addicted minds is that they go from one extreme to another.

Happiness also turns into a problem when it becomes the main driving force in your marriage. When you do make that emotional state the main driving force, many of the other aspects of your marriage become secondary. Things like commitment, loyalty, devotion, and self-control, which should restrain pure hedonism are often pushed aside.

When happiness is the main priority, it turns into hedonism. A potential cheater will hear the statement “Do whatever makes you happy!” as you giving them permission to indulge in their hedonistic desire for an affair. You may have never intended it to be taken that way, yet when some minds hears such statements, they take off like a rocket in chasing after their fantasy.

So what causes this bending of happiness into hedonism? Was there a hidden evil lurking there the whole time, are they selfish, or is it about immaturity? These are all serious questions and concerns.

There are some situations where what you are dealing with is a lurking evil, some where the affair is driven by selfishness, yet my thoughts are that most are driven by immaturity. Immature people often get themselves into trouble when told to do whatever makes them happy. Their immaturity turns the seeking of happiness into problems.

The immaturity I am referring to is that cheaters are often unaware of their emotions and drives behind their behaviors. Although they can become aware of such things, for whatever reason, they do not ‘tune into’ their emotions behind their behavior.

Since they are ‘unaware’ they chase after what they think is happiness, but in reality is ‘intensity’. They go for the strong emotions rather than what makes them happy. Among those strong emotions are lust and fear. When you do not know what you emotions are, you often gravitate toward whatever feelings are strong. Since there may have been momentary happiness along the way, they assume that those sensations are ‘happiness’.

If your spouse can not talk to you about their feelings, it is likely that they are unaware of many of their feelings. If they are unaware, you have to consider how mature they are in identifying emotions, much less handling them? When they can not tell you how they feel, they for sure are not experienced in handling strong emotions like happiness.

Developing an awareness of their emotions along with having an awareness of how their actions will impact others is a critical skill for cheaters to develop in affair recovery. That awareness is also a kill you will want to develop in affair recovery as well.

When this skill is never developed, you will find the cheater living an existence where they are driven by triggers, yet not know how the triggers work and work on them. They will be victims of their own drives and stimuli.

Best Regards,

Jeff