Recovery from affairs, like other forms of recovery involves you going through a series of stages. One of the hazards you will face in recovery is the temptation for you and the cheater to quit working once the pain level each of you are experiencing decreases.
No one enjoys pain, not even you. It is during such times, you may have to remind yourself that ‘pain is a protection of life’. Those pains you and your spouse are feeling are signals alerting a need for attention and action. Ignoring or medicating those pains will keep you from being aware of important matters.
The first stage you will encounter is ‘denial’. It can be on your part, or the cheater’s or by both of you. The denial keeps each of you from seeing the issues, or the affair or wrestling with the discomfort of pain.
Denial can show up in many ways. The whole purpose of denial is the distortion of the issues. These distortions can run the spectrum from mild to extreme. Yours can be anywhere along that spectrum.
The next stage is that of Admission/Discovery. Once you find out about the affair or experience discovery, the next stage, “admission”, should begin. Some cheaters will drag out the denial part way into the admission stage. The longer the denial continues, the longer it will take to work through the admission. Although they cheated on you, they can not cheat the stages of recovery they will have to go through.
After admission comes ‘compliance’. Here the two of you are working on your marriage. Some of you do it on your own, others seek out counselors or affair recovery resources (such as the Affair Recovery Workshop to help you through this stage.)
The compliance stage is also where the two of you will have to start being honest with each other about your marriage, each of your issues and your own struggles when it comes to the affair. There are often confrontations during this stage.
The compliance stage also takes you and your spouse out of your comfort zones. The temptation to stop working on recovery is at its highest risk during this stage.
After compliance, comes the stage known as “acceptance”. This is where the denial finally ends in a major way as each of you accept each other, the affair, your marriage and yourself for who you are. Honesty was important before, yet here it is essential.
It is hard to accept what you are not honest about. For this reason, being honest and accepting that honesty is the main work of this stage. As you begin operating in this new arena, you may find yourself feeling either totally helpless or over confident. Both extremes pose their own dangers.
This stage is also where some solid problem solving takes place. That problem solving always goes smoother when the two of you are working together on the issues rather than against each other. At this stage, you will find out how well the two of you can work together.
The final stage is that of ‘surrender’. In order to complete this stage, you will have to face your helplessness or over confidence, face it head-on and admit that you can make it with help and are willing to seek that help out. The help may come in the form of a counselor, pastor, workshop, retreat or special weekend with the two of you. With surrender, you realize that you need the help of God in bringing healing to your marriage. You need someone bigger than you are as you surrender your selfish tendencies.
You will also have to surrender pride and the tendency to control. There may even be some other issues you find that you have to surrender as well. This stage also involves surrendering those secret corners of your life and heart to your spouse’s inspection and them doing likewise toward you.
Best Regards,
Jeff
