A reader wrote: “My personal feelings were that of helplessness and no book or advice or anything else would help.” On reading the comment, my initial reaction was one of being astounded at how hurt she must be.
I wondered to myself, “What would help someone like this?” When you’re surrounded by the sensations of helplessness, what can reach you? If you’re like this woman, nothing. There is little to nothing that can be done in reaching someone in a place like her.
That may sound shocking to you, especially when you have grown up thinking that “There’s a solution or help to any problem”. Although she could be helped, she has surrounded herself with a wall preventing any help from reaching her. If you were her friend, she would likely frustrate any attempt you made at comforting her or helping her.
You may be wondering, “How can he be so sure?” “How can he know that?”
The answer is that her dominant thought is one of “helplessness”. This means she views herself as without help. The kicker is that right after that dominant thought of helplessness, she adds that “no book or advice or anything else would help.” When you tell yourself that nothing will help, you immediately construct blinders to anything that will help.
Your dominant thoughts commands your brain what to think. They program your brain in terms of what gets in and what does not get in. You literally program behaviors into your brain.
At times, that programming may be interfering with your recovery from the affair (I address this in greater detail in the Affair Recovery Workshop). Your self-programming may be turning you into the biggest obstacle in recovery from the affair.
Comments like “I’ll never trust him again!” or “I will never trust any man again!” or “There is no way in hell that I will ever…” actually open and close potential options for you in terms of recovering from an affair. If you tell yourself that there are no options, you will neither see nor consider any options.
In her case, she got specific. She identified that neither books, nor advice, nor anything else was going to help her. That is a drastic position to take. Drastic people take drastic positions.
What may surprise you is that she is not unusual. You may even find yourself hurt and resistant to any help. You may ask, “Why would anyone do that?” or “Why did she take such a drastic position?” The answer is, …’resistance’.
For her, getting any help would mean that things would change. When things change in marriage, there is a risk of loss. For her, it was more important to remain helpless, than to make changes. The changes and risks associated with getting help were more frightening than the suffering associated with the affair. At least with the affair, she could play the victim.
There are times when it is preferred to suffer, clinging to the hope that “Time changes all things” than to actually make changes that could upset the precarious balance of your marriage. In such cases, the choice is made to continue suffering rather than change, since change is so risky.
If instead, she sought help, she may have to give up the victim role and the power associated with it. Yes, there is power in staying ‘helpless’. I address this very issue of helplessness and mental programming in greater detail in “Why wasn’t I Enough?”
Part of the power is the idea of the ‘grudge’. Somehow when you are a victim and have a grudge, there is a part of you that may assume that it gives you power over the cheater. Although in reality, it does not, this is a popular myth within the affair recovery community.
Playing the role of victim is also very popular in contemporary society as well. When you are a ‘victim’ it gives you special status (at least you think it does). You may even identify with other victims, to the point where you have a victim’s support group. Although it is called a support group, there is often more support for remaining a victim, than for reducing helplessness and moving forward.
If you are in a support group, you may want to make an honest assessment as to whether there is more support for moving forward or for staying a victim.
Best Regards,
Jeff
