You have moved beyond nagging gut feelings and suspicions of an affair. You found evidence. You know they cheated on you. When you brought it to their attention they either dismissed it with allegations that you are paranoid, jealous, crazy or _________ (fill in the blank).
Your spouse questioned your ‘evidence’ and dispute what it means. They have you questioning your own self as to what really happened.
You know what you saw. Now you wonder what to do next. What are your options in this situation?
1. You can ignore it and wait…wait…wait
2. You can nag them about it again and again…
3. You can suffer in quiet desperation.
4. You can try something different.
If you are wanting to try something different, consider the approach of talking about the emotional reality of the relationship.
-The two of you are not as close as you used to be
-There is tension in the relationship
-There is frequent avoidance of talk about your relationship
-You don’t go to bed at the same time
-You feel shut out of their lives
-Television has replaced time spent talking
-You do not feel close to them
You can start talking about these items. Although they may dispute what was on the computer or what was on the phone, these are things that they cannot disprove. They can not say you don’t feel something that you do feel.
Bear in mind, that the cheater may be twisting their thinking about cheating. They may not want to admit it to themselves or to you. This is especially true if they disapprove of cheating. Cheating often flourishes in situations that seem contradictory. Contradictions make for secrets, and add strength to the denial. Try to make discussion of the distance in your relationship the priority rather than making your job #1 being having them admit to the cheating. You may need to make job#1 being the admission that there is distance in your relationship. From there you can discuss what is causing the distance.
My e-book on “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” has other suggestions of things to talk about to improve your relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
