When parents or in some cases, older children find out about an affair, they often have strong opinions. Don’t be surprised when they tell you to get rid of the cheater. They are tired of seeing you hurt. They also do not see the cheater the way that you do. They never will. In some cases, the statements are expressions of their frustration or anger, in others, they really are heart felt statements. Either way, such sentiments put pressure on you and on your situation.
They will not want to see or acknowledge any hope or changes. They will automatically see the bad and report it to you. They often put more spin on events than a Washington politician. During those times, you may find yourself alone. The path of working through things is often solitary.
In dealing with such situations, there are some things that you can do:
1. Recognize that they love you.
2. Recognize that once emotions kick in, people do not see things objectively
3. They do not love the cheater the way that you do.
4. They are not the ones that have to live with the life long consequences the way that you do
5. Learn to recognize spin when you see it
6. Learn to acknowledge what they tell you without agreeing with them
7. Reject any lies that they or others tell you.
8. Do your own thinking. It is always dangerous to let others do your thinking for you.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
3 Responses
This is helpful information because most articles/blogs don’t touch on the issue of familial involvement beyond that of young children. However, the tone of this post seems to suggest little beyond “here’s how you cope with/ignore family input” — What about HELPING the family members cope and forgive? While I’m sure some may never forgive, I can’t imagine that’s true for everyone. It just seems that if the recovering couple is going to thrive, they need the support of the family, otherwise I would think the additional conflict or awkwardness associated with family interactions would impede the recovery process. What does it take for the betrayed person’s family to move past it and accept the cheater again?
I would imagine part of the problem results from the family (parents) not having the opportunity to see the couple together very frequently and therefore cannot see the changes. So does it just take time? Or are there things (e.g., writing letters, talking on the phone/in person, etc) the cheater and/or betrayed person can do to help the family members move on? What do the family members themselves need to do?
Liz,
Thank you for your comments. Cheating impacts the whole family, and extended family. The extended family often do not have the closure that the spouse has in dealing with the affair and ending of the marriage if it comes to that. Although little is written about it, the loss of brother in laws, sister in laws, uncles, aunts, etc. are often hard for those members of the family. What makes it harder is that they have no control on the events. They only view the family through selective snapshots of life, rather than in the form of the on-going events and drama.
I will make it a point to address more of these issues in upcoming posts.
In my case, I have chosen not to tell my family about his affair. We live in a different city from them, and so I’ve been able to hide it. If they were here and saw me all the time, I wouldn’t have been able to keep up the front.
At first I didn’t tell anyone because I felt humiliated. Now it’s because I don’t want to ruin the relationship my husband has with them. If we manage to get through this together, it definitely will be awkward, and I doubt they will be willing to go through any kind of “help.” They will just write him off. They love me, and I know them well enough to know they would never forgive him.
It makes it extra hard on me. I am going through this without any of my support people. Only my children and I know. I often want to tell my sister, but I just can’t.