When you’re faced with an affair, you may not realize it, but you’re actually dealing with two separate affairs. The affair that actually occurred and then the one that occurred in your head. There are times that the two affairs line-up and there are times when the two are worlds apart.
The reality of having to deal with two affairs is hard for many people to grasp. I understand that it is an abstract idea, but it is something you have to face. The perception of the affair is more real than the actual affair.
You need to address the perception, in order to make changes in the relationship. Some spouses waste hours if not years defending what did or did not happen with the actual affair.
They are frustrated since they have to defend, repeat, defend, repeat, etc. If you are one of those who are frustrated at having to repeat the details, it could be that you have been discussing and intervening about the WRONG affair.
The affair you should have dealt with is the one in your spouse’s head. You needed to deal with that one, the one based on their perceptions, rather than debating the factual one. This can save you a lot of emotional turmoil and grief. If you do not deal with the perceived affair, your situation could worsen and risk finding yourself facing allegations of child abuse that are also ‘perceived’ (e.g. Parent Alienation Syndrome).
The perceptions have to be dealt with. It is all about perception.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey
You can find more on dealing with affairs in my e-books on the subject.
2 Responses
Jeff what happens is when you are being lied to and deceived the hurt spouse is forced to deal with our inner emotions of trusting them again and being ignorantly stupid! I appreciate your website and writings and views and will continue to visit and give my little cent$, BUT sometimes I feel like this is a website for the Cheater! Haha I know I’m probably wrong but was just making an uneducated assumption and that isn’t right! But if your spouse is hiding an affair and living the life with you too there is a huge problem! I mean if not caught I think they would try to get away with it all! Can you please write an article from the Hurt Side addressing the one that is venturing out and maybe the appropriate way of handling it? Or you force the Faithful to either stay black n white with morals and virtuals and frown upon the infidelity, forgive/forget and sweep under rug, or say the hell with it if you can’t beat them join them! No pun! So I eagerly await your next writing addressing the one venturing out! Because I ask my wife what do I need to do how to do it and seem to get nowhere and cannot voice my opinion on her actions that have us where we r today….. I know the answer … “you had plenty to do with this” I understand;) but I want to go on record…. Had I known thy my wife would cheat for 2 years behind me, then a year in house denying it, then outside the house a year I would have NOT WANTED THAT!!! so whatever I did wrong I guess this is my PUNISHMENT???? eagerly await! Cp
C,
Lying and deceiving always hurts. They weaken the trust in the relationship. When you are lied to it puts you in emotional turmoil. You may experience confusion as to whether to believe what they say, what their intentions are or what they do. You may want to place your hope in the intentions, although there are doubts as to what is the ‘truth’. In such confusing times, you need to look at their actions. The mental confusion often comes from you seeing one thing, yet your mind is told something else. The mixed message often leaves people bewildered and vulnerable.
When the mixed message is as extreme it is more painful. When your spouse is living at home, while their heart is elsewhere, and they lie about it, the betrayal cuts deep. You may find yourself wanting to believe the lies, since the truth is more painful. As humans, we often avoid what we perceive to be the most painful options. When faced with truth versus less pain, many choose ‘less pain’, even though truth would have given them something more solid.
Your comments are powerful ones that need responses. I will address your concerns in upcoming posts. You have given me many topics that need attention (handling the hurt, forgiveness, forcing choices, “to hell with it”, and dealing with Venturing Spouses). In terms of handling the hurt, I addressed that issue in a series of recorded sessions this month at the AffairRecoveryGroup. In those talks, I join with the couple that run EmotionalAffair and discuss the issue from the side of the hurt spouse, the cheater and from the counselor’s perspective. I mention that mainly due to having spent three hours discussing the handling of different emotions.
Each of these topics will take more time and space than comments will allow. I also know that when people are hurting from affairs, they need shorter, more bite-size answers. When in the midst of pain, it is often hard to digest a lot of material.
Thank you again for sharing your thoughts and frustrations.
Jeff Murrah
My site is primarily focused on “Surviving the Affair”. Since the affair hits everyone, I address the issues from several viewpoints (the family, the cheater, the one who was cheated on, the children, etc.).