Did you give the cheater permission to have an affair? In many cases, you may have given them the ‘green light’ to have an affair. If you have told them such catty remarks as “Well just go out and sleep with some whore and see if I care!” or “Why don’t you just find some man who would have you!” or some other comment. Although such statements are said in anger or disgust, they often send a message to the cheaters brain that “It is OK to have an affair”. Although most of these kinds of messages are said in anger, there are also those spoken in resignation, such as “I understand that you are a (man/woman) and that you have needs that I can’t take care of”. It may be that you were making a statement of understanding, but the cheater turned it into something else. Cheating brains have a way of doing that.
Even in cases of disabilities, you may have given them permission to cheat or expressed a toleration of cheating that although you never intended them to take you up on it, they did.
If you have given your spouse permission to cheat, you need to sit down and talk with them. You will need to honestly deal with the issue of cheating, and the meaning of what you said and what they heard. I deal with this and how some spouses go even further by selecting who the cheater will cheat with in my “Sure-Fire Secrets to Restore Your Marriage After an Affair” course. In my discussion on the topic, I explain it further.
If you gave the cheater permission for the affair, you have a lot of work to do, and you will need support in completing it.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
5 Responses
Jeff!
Hey there! I have been receiving periodically some of your writings from my wife of 20yrs during and after her affair with a colleague for 3 years. I enjoy reading them and sometimes agree and other times scratch my head being the one on the OTHER SIDE of the affair. I understand the ingredients to an affair, but a lot of them I am either in denial or I am just a terrible husband. When i read articles like this last one and listen to my wife I have this Dicotomy inside me that is just short of a nuclear meltdown! At times of listening that I caused this I just shake my head in confusion and then get scared because I felt I did all I KNOW HOW RO DO! I am nowhere near perfect or some Holy Art Thou person, but I felt like I tried to do all in my power to keep her happy not only in words but more importantly by my actions of commitment and love! In short Beth was always special to me and we married after we were pregnant with 1st child… Had another child and then four total we were The All American Family people envied. Four solid kids, beautiful home, her mom living detached on our property to help with kids and 2 great jobs! Beth and I were The Ken and Barbie couple! I NEVER needed to look or want another woman because i was happy and content.. Beth always was the one who needed to be on the move and kept our life exciting! But fast forward 18 yrs ahead and beth is 40 and I’m 43 our kids are excelling and beth has taken off with her job and then Jeff! A millionaire same age guy who works in her field and she befriends him and brings him and his family into our lives which is fine and cool! I played hoops with him we went out as couples and then things changed and there was a full blown affair going on! Totally off guard and itristed wayyyy too much! So I could never prove it but the rumors were coming to me and I addresses Beth with on denial and lies to show for. So I told her to stop doing anything with him, chased after her, spied all The crazy things and actualy walked in on them at two different bars only to say “just friends”! Confronted jeff 5x to stay away even in his face without physical altercation. Never ceased! So I told beth don’t leave the house figure urself out.. One year later I went out of town and his wife called me and said they flew to NyC together…. Sure enough I caught them coming off the airplane and I told her to leave! I said you have 10 days to think it over… If in those 10 days you see call text jeff you have your answer. I monitored her 24-7 for those 10 days it NEVER STOPPED! she got an apartment and spent an entire year out of house seeing him.. In Virginia you Have to be separated for a year to divorce. So I waited without dating or sex and at the “11th hour” over a year she saw real colors of jeff and wanted to come home ( he lost his empire by the Feds and was bankrupt). so it was hard but agreed to try one time and see if we can make it work! I truly love her and want to see if this can be restored! BUT OMG THIS IS SOOOO DAMN HARD!!! so I brought her home and it has been hard! She is so emotionally needy (understand) that I have to breakthru so much pain anger irritation and bitterness it kills me to hear her tell me to do this or that etc… Seems like nonremorse and I’m compared often! She says I’m not attentive and all the emotions I just told you! I feel like listen you had you cake and now you have been released to start over why aren’t you being nice and overly appreciative! And the argument goes from there to her saying what I don’t do right! I know it’s more complex than that but that’s the gist !
So in summary I went to her counselor together and she bailed after 5 visits and I kept going to HER PSYCH! hahaha crazy! Then she started this emotional raging on me as if I just made her life awful? Head scratching… Now he would have all theses reasons why she does this why she did that to combat my story so I did myself saying well you are foundry have to sweep under the rug and completely try to forget it all! Which I have not had a day w/o thinking of them together! Not yet ! It’s been 6 months home!
So she starts another counselor June 2 which I pray can help her with clarity and hope she is honest to the bottom with him so that she is healed some way!
Thats enough for now but I will keep reading!
C
Hey also jeff! I feel the normal betrayed emotions BUT I feel as if she doesn’t want me because all of her accusations seem confusing to me! I must be awful I guess …. Then I get to a point where I say ok it was my fault and I must have not fulfilled her emotional bucket and I deserve it so move forward and do the best you can do! Then I’m like well all pride dignity and self-worth is totally obliterated! So I’m in this quagmire of an emotional struggle and it all comes down to keep your pants on and help me fill ur needs…. Or accept my downfalls like I accept hers! I could come up with 10 things to JUSTIFY an AFFAIR but accepted her for who she was and wasn’t demanding or I’ll toward her….. If she read this she would be off the chart! And would bash my entire written feeling but it’s how I feel! Anyway thank you!
C
C,
Thanks for writing. Wow, you have definitely been through the ringer. In reading your response, I felt like I was caught in an emotional washing machine that has super power gyrations. It is hard making changes and listening to your spouse. It takes time, practice and effort to learn how to tune in to their needs and emotions. Like an athlete, there are times you make the shot and times you don’t. Even trained experts miss on such issues. Sigmund Freud commented that one question he was never able to answer is “What do women want?” Given that he had a career of mainly working with women, that is a significant statement.
From what you have written, you have done many things right. Many people could learn from your experiences. There are many wives that would want a husband who has put forth the effort that you have. I regret that you came close to a nuclear meltdown in reading the article. The topic dealt with some relationships, and not all of them by any means. It was one that I debated on whether or not to address. So many times a wife will flippantly say something like, ‘Why don’t you just go find some big boobed whore to sleep with!” while in a fit of rage, only to find out six months later that her husband slept with a big-boobed whore. Cheaters often hear what they want to, including flippant comments. They often bend and distort them to justify what they have been desiring to do. My intent was to alert people to this, so that they do not make the mistake of unintentionally giving their spouse permission to cheat. The mind is a weird thing, in that it often needs permission to do things. When permission is given to cheat, be it intentional or unintentional, if often runs with it. This makes it scary to consider how many “off the cuff” comments actually plant seeds of future misery.
I hope that the writings help you in your struggle to overcome the affair. Let me know if you have any questions or things you want me to clarify.
Jeff
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What should i do if i just want to marry a big boobed whore, i also want to live a happy life with her ?
dinkar,
If that is who you want to marry, that is your choice and hers. Your expectations for the relationships need to be in line with what you are after.