When my son was given a speeding ticket, it was natural as a parent to want to know the circumstances behind it. He told us and we accepted his story. We did not question him in detail regarding what he was wearing, what the officer was wearing, what he was thinking when his foot was on the pedal, or items like that. Where did you have your hands on the wheel when you got caught? Did it excite you to get caught like that? Were you scared? etc. It was enough to know that he was speeding and has since taken action to correct the problem. I did not need to know his attitude about speeding, or how many times he sped before, etc. Knowing the minutia did not improve the situation or change my response to my son.
If we take another scenario, and make it about an affair rather than speeding, things change dramatically. When it comes to affairs, you may be one that wants to know all the details. You want to know the circumstance AND MORE. What perfume or cologne was being worn? Who was it with? What were they wearing (or not wearing)? how many times has this happened before? where did you meet them? What were your intentions? What were you thinking? How many times did you do the offending behavior? etc., etc., etc.
Do you really need to know all that in order to forgive them? In all likelihood, No. In most cases, knowing all that will actually make it harder to forgive what happened. It is human nature to want to know EVERYTHING. Knowing everything is often a two-edged sword. There are some that find it harder to forgive knowing everything, and there are some spouses who want to know everything due to the voyeuristic excitement it brings. Either extreme has their own dangers.
When you are faced with such a situation, consider “How much do you really need to know in order to forgive?”
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
