You may find that you and your spouse have some disagreements over what the definition of infidelity is. I addressed some aspects of this in my hub on the language of infidelity. When I am working with couples, my preference is to use the idea of marital unfaithfulness. When you believe your spouse has been unfaithful, the emotions and dynamics are stirred up, whether or not the act in question was ‘heavy flirting’, ‘messing around’, ‘nothing physical’ or some other attempt at rationalizing what happened. Once your spouse or yourself labels what happened as ‘unfaithfulness’, you will have to deal with the damage, regardless of whether it meets Webster’s definition or the legal definition of what you or they did.
Arguing over whether flirting, fondling or fellatio or cunnilingus qualify as “infidelity” amounts to splitting hairs. When there is unfaithfulness, there is emotional fall out. You will have to deal with the fall out, whether you consider the act in question acceptable or unacceptable. If your spouse considers it unacceptable or you do, it will have to be dealt with. Many hours of fighting and high drama has taken place over “What is the definition of Infidelity?” If you are at the point of considering such a question a “What is the definition of infidelity?” you are likely in the middle of marital unfaithfulness. The only person who benefits from nailing down THE DEFINITION of infidelity is the lawyer while in the middle of a divorce proceeding, yet by then it is too late. Whether or not your actions meet the ‘official’ legal definition at this point is horse hockey, so it is best left to the lawyers to settle the legal definition. What you need to consider is the EMOTIONAL definition of infidelity. If your spouse thinks it is, it is. If you think it is, it is. If you are unsure, it is. Given that you and your spouse are wrangling over infidelity on the emotional level, that is where you need to deal with it, and deal with it NOW. Waiting to get clarification from a counselor, lawyer, dictionary or google will be a waste of time until you deal with the emotional reality of what is in your lap now.
If you are dealing with it, you may want to consider my e-book on How to Survive Your Partner’s Affair.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
