After being hurt, many of you can separate yourself from the person that hurt you, unless it is your spouse or a family member. You may even torment yourself over this tendency. The tormenting often consists of emotionally going back and forth between extremes. There are moments of love and moments of rage. Moments of hope and fears of hopelessness. The going back and forth is like a roller coaster taking you from one extreme to another. Going through these extremes feels hellish. I am not sure if it fully fits the term hellish, although I can tell you that it is a painful torment.
In the midst of the torment are the questions. Questions about your love for them, and what continues drawing you back. Those very questions are part of what is weakening your relationship. You are second guessing yourself and planting seeds of self-doubt. Rather than torture yourself, consider the reality that “You love them” and let go instead of trying to understand “WHY” you continue loving them. Much like the cheater does not have the answer to your ‘why’ questions, you likely do not have answers either. Pushing for answers here often produces more questions rather than settling anything.
When you are tired of the self-torment, consider being thankful that you still have the ability to love. Then consider, “How can I show that love?”. Bear in mind that love is much more than sex. It also means that you want the best for you and them. It means that you strive for honesty about what you and they are feeling. It means that you look for what it will take to repair what has happened rather than obsessing only on what is wrong with your relationship. I understand that there are some of you that would find faults even if you were blind. You will need to let go of that. There are plenty of faults all around us. Think instead on what you need to do to change things, what you need to do in order to repair your marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
3 Responses
Good points Jeff.
I think one of the answers to ‘why or how can we STILL love someone who has done such a thing ” is that we have invested love into the person’s life . I see in many books etc about healing they echo just what GOD’s LAWS of marriage are ‘leave’ , ‘cleave’ and transparency[ nakedness both body , mind and all of life shared]
When the faithful spouse is puzzled they might look at the way they have lived …being concerned for the spouse, being observant of their spouses moods, tastes and variety of things.
Close focus upon the spouse is one of the things GOD has told husband’s in particular to DO …consciously ..and deliberately focusing on their wife with interest, singularity .
Why ? because for one thing the closer you examine something GOD has created the more you are able to see what is HIS hand in it …the human body for example. Flaws are present in all but if you ask some artists …their focus upon the unique form or details of something has rendered for them what is interesting or intriguing and unique about the subject of their study and art form .
When this kind of focus and appreciation of something is involved it increases ones appreciation of it ..and along with THANKFULNESS…it grows our sense of value and love for it ..or him or her.
This focus also if done with thankfulness and forgiveness as GOD advises to do …also keeps the flaws from being a deter-ant to our love for them
In the practice of this those who are faithful also practice contentment …all parts of our learning from a walk following the Lord ..but not impossible for those who LOVE and marry with an understanding it is for LIFE.
I for one saw that no matter WHO you see out ‘there’ they are going to have quirks and various ways that could be irritating but that is for us to SEE before we vow ..and make up our minds that we CAN and WILL love them despite whatever our ‘love LIGHT ‘ shines on the real person and we should note that love is NOT BLIND but SEES and loves anyway!
The character FLAW is far more vital a facet to the success to the marriage in the area of fidelity and is one difficult one to endure and continue with HOPE for the desired outcome …YET the one spouse who has loved well in the relationship has rooted too deeply in their investing love into the spouse and the joined loving that they assumed was mutual ..even with some distances that have been “excused ;’ because of ‘work’
I think just as the infidel must now realize their whole way of viewing marriage , love and their spouse has been detrimental to the marriage relationship and love …the faithful has to deal with the “new’ person that they had been assuming and treating with ongoing love and respect that was betrayed and not even ‘seen’ by the blinded adulterer.
For us this is what is going on …My husband has developed a whole way of dealing with women due to work and his position there and the way women behave and interact in the business realm and then his WAY of seeing and dealing with a woman in an adulterous arrangement ..NEITHER are marriage so in reality HE has NEVER really had the experience of what a true marriage and love relationship is …he has dealt with opposite sex relationships more or less on a business paradigm
While as a faithful and fully invested spouse in the process of marriage and committed to protecting it and growing in knowledge of how to make it great …I have viewed him on the same page but ‘busy ‘ making what supported and would support the goals we had shared.
He changed the rules and the goals without consulting me and I lived on under the impression that we were both making sacrifices for our future …wrong
I think the love that one invests is what keeps them going through this ..and the comfort of recieving and enjoying that care is what keeps the infidel wanting to keep what he has while getting more ..because they do not really INVEST themselves to the degree that WOULD have made cheating unthinkable
If you are lovING ..actively doing this …and are concerned with the state of the faithful spouse you simply would not dream of cheating and frankly you would not have time to .
I love Paul Newman’s statement when asked about if he ever cheated on his wife ..” why go out for hamburger when you have steak at home “! What an awesome statement of how focus and honor results in appreciation and love for one’s spouse…what a great couple he and his wife make !
They are secure in what they know comes from building ..or as Jimmy Evans put it …”IN marriage, men, we need to have a gardeners mentality ..not a shoppers mentality! ”
I know some men are tired of being the ones that this issue is focused upon …I think women are just as able to cheat ..but it has been from the standpoint that GOD noted that men are out and about …and opportunity confronts them in the WAYS that men are wired to be more impulsive because of the way their eyes connect to their hormones more rapidly .
Women are a bit more ‘moved’ by being approached with emotional promises.
The culture and media have brought more and more an equal opportunity for the women to be ‘hunter’s now seeking the men as ‘prey’ …that seems to be the plight of single women as men are less inclined to marry since more and more women are being stupid and giving what used to motivate men toward marriage without any ‘cost to them …the old ‘why by the cow’ still stands…and the “milk” does not get any sweeter as time goes by …
Women need to hold a higher value of themselves ..and that begins for them when DADDY invests in their lives as young girls…
SO it is ….men are given commands that seem ‘unfair’ to them in this culture that has wiped away these godly designs and neglected to point out the privileges along with the responsibilities.
When men has been ‘accosted ‘ with the ideas that women have the “RIGHT” to ‘be men’ …then women have really been stupid to buy into this ..they lose and so does everyone else…So men have reasoned if women can and want to do it ALL then let them!
What a mess….!
i was in a 5 year relationship with him/also was my best friend, until about 2years ago he was starting to act really different towards me/relationship??he started to do everything the opposite like he would allways make some stupid lie like how he would say he’ll be rite back just had to run to store but then his phone would ring once then when i tryed to call back it would b off…then i started to be snoopy and go throw phone and find stupid text messages like what he had planned to go do that night (“like”can u bring a normal movie instead of porn??) then i would ask him and he would flip out and brake phone and then have agood reason to leave then he would!!day or two. then it just got worst for me cause i started to bitch and iguess that drove him more away? to her place were it was supposelly more better to b at?but it was off and on like that cause he wanted to try to work us out but then every time chickies ex went to jail then it would start up again.but then finally i guess i drove him to the point were he had no interest and just started to hate being or hanging out with me,so last summeraweek befor my birthday he ended up packing his stuff befor i got home and moved to her place then shortly he decided to move right across park with her and her two babys,then he was started to become what i was expecting and it just got worst and worst cause now his girlfriend allways try to say some stupid thing like poor her ..and gets him to do/be who she wants and if not then he gets called aloser or texts him to make sure to bring boxes back,thats never happens cause he would ignore me or not come around for about aweek!! but why am i hangin on still to this day ,i seem to never giv e up the more he hurts me the more i miss him like earlier i was doing fine then of coarse he shows up and has to leave rite away so then i of coarse get really hurtand change my moods then i end up wanting to crawl under arock and shut the hole world off??but when baby comes out he’ll take ablood test to prove its his then he’ll come back to me!!no no no if he doesnt believe now or even out of my mouth then why do i want him to go back with someone he doesnt want to be withand only believe a stupid test!!the main time i need him the most would be the first nine months of pregnacny ???? i dont know what too do anymore nor how to move on to better things that dont hurt me?????
Gracie,
I understand how you feel torn. From what you wrote, it sounds like he has not been committed to a relationship with you for a while. Although you blame yourself for your ‘bitching’, he was emotionally and physically gone before that began. In many ways, he created what is called a ‘self-serving crisis’. Your complaining to him only allows him to do what he wanted to do in the fist place, only know he can do it with a clear conscience and play the role of victim, even though he was being unfaithful. It is painful to not have him around right when you need him the most. Although he showed up at various times and the two of you enjoyed some happy moments, his heart has been with the other woman for a LONNNGGG Time.