In dealing with the affair, you may be correcting the wrong problem and responding to the wrong threat. When an affair happens, you may assume that the main threat is the physical attractiveness of the lover, and you would be wrong. It is often used to entice the cheater, but the ‘hook’ is not the looks. The danger is with their ‘words’. The lovers are often smooth talkers. Even when they are not smooth talkers, the cheater is caught up with their voice and their words. They replay them over and over in their heads.
This means that in dealing with the threat, the answer is NOT to look more attractive than the lover. You will need to ‘talk’ better than the lover. You will need to have better words to tell them than the lover does. What the lover tells the cheater often scrambles their heart and brain. You will need to deal with this danger, rather than trying to be better ‘eye candy’ than the lover is.
The words of the lover often make the cheater believe in their fantasy. The lovers words ‘energize’ the fantasy. This is why you do not want to let the talk to the lover ‘one more time’ or see them. The danger is not in the image or the appearance of the lover, it is in their words.
For more information on how to deal with an affair, obtain your copy of my e-book on surviving your partners affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
2 Responses
Yes, In our case the words of the children of the adultery have a huge impact upon my husband . He sees the OW only rarely and keeps himself from going into the house and usually is only picking them up for a meal when she is gone…However the appeal from the daughter impacts him a great deal ..he broods over the state that he perceives from her accounts.
I warned him again that this is effecting our marriage just as badly as his adultery did …but he continues to pursue and allow the girl [age 12 ] to have easy access to him by phone.
Throughout our marriage I did not interrupt his work day …I respected his ‘need’ to be left to work without intruding …this young child is able to call at any time and he often leaves his office to get them food …of take them for food since the mother does not keep food in the house
I asked him how did he think they ate when he did not contact them for two years prior to his reconnect …he did not know the answer .I think that since he is reconnected the mother manipulates him through the kids by his emotions and guilt ..
IN any case he has ‘left the marriage’ in all ways emotional …he is here …helps with chores…some …and eats here ..sleeps upstairs in the spare bedroom …he is cordial ..but not really joined to me or our family in all the ways that should be there .
It is very difficult to be just one of the many in his life …but that has been so for many years. He is totally selfish in this regard but sees himself as very loving and generous …but it is spread around ..to all but me ..
My daughter remarked that she feels like ‘a second class person ‘ in his life ….he does not hear that from her since she fears to speak to him about it …since obeserving his coldness to me and often his defensive arguments for his own sake…
He does not seem to think he CAN do ‘anything ‘ here for us so he is trying to do for the children of adultery …sooner or later they too will learn that he is not able to meet all of the needs they should be able to count on him for .
The false front of ‘blended families’ I believe has led men to think they CAN do all of this without harm to the chidlren involved…they think ‘children are resilient ‘ …I feel what choice does a child have …if they object they risk losing more of the parents love in their minds….
The book I have on the effects of adultery upon grown children is telling ..>My own father left my mother when I was twenty one …I had a career in place and was busy …I did not realize the effects of my dads life of independence upon my own way of living in a marriage where I allowed that my husband’s career needs were ahead of our marriage and family …I thought it was ‘normal’
It turns out that though I did not want the same marriage as my mom ..or dad….I ended up allowing things in my own relationship despite my knowledge from the Bible …that they had …Much of what I was taught by men in ministry actually fed into this idea.
I have since learned that marriage and family are NOT for the support of a man’s career but his career is to support the MARRIAGE and FAMILY!
HOw backwards this lifestyle is …and how damaged my own marriage was due to not observing a godly marriage during my childhood.
I thought I had a good childhood…but the truth in retrospect is that my exposure as a young child to my dad’s Playboy left me with a skewed image of what a woman should look like…I kept waiting to develop as the photos in the magazine …put that with the many young boys being attracted to girls who ‘developed’ in school …left me thinking I was not attractive…Later on I learned that many of the popular girls were so because they were ‘putting out ‘ …I never would have dreamed these girls were doing this …that era frowned upon loose behavior ..but the effects upon the minds of people lacking the truth of God’s word was huge
The void caused by the lack of knowledge of the truth and the willingness to sit under teachers that had been taught false doctrinal bents has been huge in it’s destructiveness.
I sat listening to preachers tell women that the marriage would succeed or fail due to their willingness to have sex with their husbands and if not there were plenty of women who WOULD ! This message could not fail to give men the impression that they would have cause to commit adultery ! It came from the pulpit.
It also gave the impression that they were not responsible to live rightly in marriage ..this is a skewed and shallow view of scripture ..that was abounding as I have heard other women in other denominations recount the same thing!
Relieving the man of his responsiblities as outlined by GOD in the Bible leaves them ‘free’ to play …and to ignore the household
My own husband used to go out the door having been told about some need our house had by saying ‘Hire someone ‘ as he fled to go to work and his lover!
THis left me and our young children and their grandmother to deal with whatever …and it felt lonely and heavy …but we did it .
Taking up those responsiblities has become the norm for women whose husband’s are on the upward ladder of success…and the men ‘love to have it so”
I admire and long after the ways that many godly men are standing up and taking up their responsiblilties in their marriages and families…My husband hates the idea…he only wants to do what HE wants to do and nothing more …
His ‘out’ is that he has caused too much damage and he can’t put forth any more effort toward our marriage or healing …he gave two years of really FAINT effort to sit through some counselling …one or two seminars…and some books…He has had little desire to change since his life goes on outside our home pretty much as it always has …
He is set in his mind …his heart is hardened toward me and his eyes are on the workplace and his other children …his own children here are HERE as he has said..he KNOWS he will see them when he comes home so he makes no effort to reach out to them during his day .
His lack of willingness to pursue me and our daughters seems to him justified.
I pray he will be effected sooner rather than later by his selfish and blind attitude…but it does not seem to be something that is going to happen soon.
Zaza,
If there is no food in the house, he may need to call Children’s Protective Services (even though I dislike the thought of bringing them into anyone’s life) rather than doing what he does. His actions are only perpetuating the problem.
It is horrid that such teaching was going on from the pulpit. What you are describing sounds more like something out of a fertility ‘cult’ than what should be coming from a Christian pastor. Come to think of it, the old Baal worshipers were a fertility cult.