One of the myths about infidelity is that ‘once the affair is over, the problems are over’. You are fooling yourself if you think that because the affair is over that ‘all is well’. Like a snake that bites and keeps on biting again and again, infidelity inflicts its hurt again and again. Once you cross the line into infidelity, it is easier to cross it again. It creates more temptations for you to have an affair a second, third or fourth time.
Another effect of the ‘affair toxin’ is how it impacts your problem solving. You stepped outside of the marriage to ‘fix’ something. Rather than improve your relationship with your spouse, you found another solution. Once this happens, it will be harder to function inside the marriage and solve the problems. There is a phenomena called ‘response set’ in psychology. This is the idea that you tend to repeat the same solution to the same problem when faced with it again. Affairs change your response set and create a mindset that is not conducive to marriage.
Affairs also weaken the bond of relationship commitment. Once the strength of the commitment has been weakened, it looses its power to restrain you. Your spouse also looses some of their willingness to ‘hang in there’. The weakened commitment often shows itself during times of stress. It will be much easier for you and your spouse to call it quits rather than work things out, now that the commitment bond has been weakened.
I referred to infidelity as a ‘gift’. My reason is that you may not have asked for it or remember asking for it. It may have been your spouse who asked for it. Someone asked for it and now it is in your lap. Like an unwanted Christmas gift, you have to decide what to do with it. The problem is that whenever you throw it away, it keeps coming back and doing more damage. Like an unwanted pet who stinks up your home and destroys your furniture, carpet and breakables, the affair dishes out its damage. You can’t hide the stench of the affair, no matter how you mask it. Once this gift arrives, you can not ‘return to sender’. It is yours from here on out.
If you are wondering what you can do, consider taking steps to rebuild intimacy in your marriage. That is where the problem started and that is where changes will occur. Find out more in my e-book, “Picking Up the Pieces”.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
