Although few writers dare to address the issue, there is a direct connection between monogamy and security. You may wonder why you feel so insecure after finding out your spouse had an affair. It is not about the money, it is about the violation of the marriage. When the marriage ceases to be monogamous, the level of insecurity you feel will skyrocket. Many writers address the issue of financial security. Financial security is a poor substitute for relational and emotional security. The loss of the security in your marriage may even put you into an existential crisis, where you wonder “who am I?” That sounds extreme, yet when security is lost, there are often extreme reactions.
Your insecurity is not about the sudden emotional change in your marriage. It is directly related to the violation of the monogamous status of your relationship. You will find that many aspects of your marriage become more extreme when security is threatened or totally lost. You or the cheater may wonder, “Why the over-reaction?” or “Why the high drama?”. The reason for the reactions and drama is that the relationship is no longer secure. When the relationship is not secure, many trust-related matters are viewed as threats to the marriage or yourself. If you want the reactivity to settle down and there to be less drama driven, then your first step should be to make the relationship secure. Once the relationship is secure, the issues can be dealt with in a more realistic and reasonable manner. When there is no security, there is no foundation for people to be reasonable.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
