I was recently asked by a spouse, “Why did you not tell me, and left it for me to discover 2 years later?” Finding out about cheating is bad enough. Finding out about it two years after it happened puts a twist on the whole situation.
You feel like you have been living a lie. The life you thought you had is not what was really happening. It has an ‘unreal’ feel to it. It amounts to feeling like you just wasted two years of your life.
So what would make a cheater wait so long? There are two possible explanations. One is “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” mindset, the other is the “Time heals all wounds” mindset.
With the “What they don’t know won’t hurt them” mindset, the spouse is often driven by an avoidance of pain. They keep the secret as a way to keep away the pain of having to face the affair. It is a way to ‘keep the peace’. Since many couples place the ‘happiness’ of their spouse a higher priority than honesty, it creates a situation where secrets breed and multiply. Since they kept their spouse ‘happy’ (or out of pain) they tell themselves that they are doing their job.
Although it is counter-intuitive, making ‘happiness’ the top priority is often destructive to a marriage. I encourage couples to make ‘teamwork’ the top priority instead.
The “Time heals all wounds” approach often occurs when spouses are trying to put the affair behind them. They want to move on with the healing without having to go through the pain. Time does heal many things, but ONLY after the issues have been resolved. Another variation is when couples pay lip service to the affair, but never deal with the ‘deeper’ issues of trust, communication and intimacy. In such cases, their conscience is satiated by mentioning the affair, even though the issues have not been resolved. After being mentioned a few times, they consider it resolved and refuse talking about it any more. The only difference between them and the cheaters who refuse to ever talk about it is that they feel a little less guilty, even though they are both playing the ‘time heals all wounds’ game.
Time does not heal all wounds. With wounds like affairs, time causes them to fester and rot. Rotting is not healing. Time allows the recollection to grow dim, but if you were the one hurt by the affair, you recall VERY clearly what happened and what you felt.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
