When your spouse cheats, it’s natural assuming that something is wrong with them. What that assumption is the belief that they can be ‘fixed’ with the right medicine.
You may even read up on affairs looking for a cure. Unlike common diseases, there’s no ‘one cure’ that magically fixes or cures them. Although many illnesses show up in relationship issues, the relationship is not the primary problem.
Treating the Affair as an Illness <<– listen to the audio here
Hi, this is Jeff Murrah with Affair Recovery Radio. I’m glad that you’re here with me today. In today’s podcast we’re going to be dealing with the issue of treating affairs as illnesses.
When your spouse cheats it’s natural assuming something’s wrong. The first place you start, you think something’s wrong with them. With that assumption comes this belief that if something’s wrong it can be fixed with the right medicine.
As you go along this line of thinking you may even go through this time period where you read up on affairs seeking the cure. What is the fix?
Unlike common diseases there’s no one cure that magically fixes or cures them. No matter how much you’re wishing that there was, with affairs, one size does not fit all. One cure is not going to fix everything.
I know in our minds we have this thinking that there’s got to be this magic silver bullet that’s going to fix everything.
In all the self-help books you read about how to handle the affairs, and you start assuming that what ‘book A’ says will work, or what ‘book B’ says will work. And you’re going to be disappointed.
Although many illnesses show up in relationship issues, the relationship is not the primary problem here. It’s where things are showing up.
We’re going to be talking about that. Because the solution to the situation of treating the affairs as illness is going to be realizing that illnesses are illnesses and relationships are relationships.
With that in mind,
- The cheater used the affair as their cure. The affair was their fix for a problem.
Hang in there with me, because the problem is not the affair, but what they used the affair to fix. Let me give you an example.
If they felt like there was not enough sexual activity in your relationship they used the affair as a quick fix. And the affair’s not the problem. The problem goes back to what’s going on in the relationship.
They may have felt like they weren’t getting enough attention in the relationship and they used the affair, or that you were too busy for them and they used the affair as the fix.
You’re going to have to get back to what they used the affair to fix. That’s going to give you a better idea what you’re dealing with.
2. Choices are primary action, relationships are the result. In other words, people make choices. As a result of those choices there are changes in the relationship. Let that sink in.
People make choices. Relationships are the result.
If things are not working in your relationship with the cheater, it goes back to the choices that either you or the cheater have made. And that’s what you’re going to need to take a look at changing.
3. Listen to the symptoms before trying to fix things. I say this because as many of you have done, you took off, you treated the affair as a disease and you want to fix it right away, before you fully understand what’s going on. That’s a big mistake.
You need to fully understand what’s going on, listen to all the symptoms before you try to fix things. Hear the symptoms, then take action.
Let me repeat that, because that’s important. Hear the symptoms, then take action.
As you sit down with your spouse to talk about what happened with the affair, listen for what they were trying to fix in their life. That’s going to give you a clearer idea of what’s the problem at the root of things, as opposed to the lover.
Your main issue isn’t what the lover looks like, what the lover’s sexual appetite is, or any of those types of issues. It’s what was missing in the cheater’s life.
What was missing in y’all’s marriage ? That’s going to be at the root of what you need to deal with.
When you’re ready to repair your marriage, the downloadable ‘Affair Recovery Workshop’ gives you the tools you need. You need changes in your relationship, but do you know how and where to make those changes?
With the workshop, you’ll know what to do, where to do it and how to do it.
Best Regards,
Jeff
